This weekend I umpired a state tournament. No this was not a World Series but the winner received a berth to a world series and no again, it would not be a world series that would be on ESPN.
I started the weekend by doing 9s. Aaaahh nine year olds so focused so attentive so unable to stop the ball before it hits the umpire. Dads in the back with radar guns and talking about curves and sliders and changeups.
If I have, one more dad tell me to hang with the curve I swear I will eat him with red beans and rice and wash the entire meal down with the blood of a badger.
Therefore, I have done this tourney a few times in the past few years and I know this is life and death, the winner of every game gets to decide the gas prices, someone's grandmother is held captive by ninjas and her life and the life of 500 virgins hang on the balance of this game. However, I also know that the shit has to be stopped before it gets out of hand.
I decide to approach it differently then in the past. In the past, I wait until I can no longer take the insults the jabs the drive bys and I warn a coach and then I never ever get to eject him because I keep re-drawing the line. Therefore, this year I am drawing the line at the top and hold it fast.
First chirp gets a "we are not going there today. We are not going there do I make myself clear?" I start the plate meeting with a personable pleasant attitude and humor but when they chirp I jerk the lease tight and hard. This seemed to be very effective.
My son said that he was embarrassed at one point because I came out too fast on one dad but when I asked my son if he thought the game was more enjoyable after the dad was told to keep quite. He admitted that I was right.
I did 18 games in three days I will not talk about all 18 as many went with no issue.
Game one 9s
Red vs. white
I on bases and newbie [not my son] on plate.
No one on
Screamer up third base line
I pivot but I peek at the ball as it passes third (it is foul but I hear no indication)
[I now that if I do not hear foul I am going to have a shit storm on my hands]
I watch the runner cross first and go to second I hear the shit storm thunder "what's the call blue?.....you have to make a call blue!" now there is no way to convey the anger and rage that is in this voice but trust me when I turned I expected to see this coach holding my 16 year old partner by the throat.
Runner stops I turn to handle the shit storm and there is my partner doe eyed and in full panic mode. The coach is screaming and he is not telling the coach a thing. I call time and the coach starts to come out to me. I hold the umpire hand out to him and tell him to stay there he keeps coming "No coach you will go to the dug out right now!" he stops. I offer the umpire a chance to come talk to me.
"What’s the call?"
I do not know
It is either fair or foul
What do you think?
First, I was not supposed to look, I should not make that call from first base line. You had the angle it was your ball.
Yeah I know but I do not know what to call it.
Well in this case ... what is the count?
Two Two
OK if you call it foul everybody gets to go back and the batters count does not change.
I peeked at the drive and I can say that it was foul but do not plan on that rather help all the time be ready to make a call.
OK I will call it foul.
He calls it foul and not a soul complains not one chirp.
Later in the same, there is contact and although I did not see it as I watched my play, I know it was malicious. The world is screaming at the kid the pitcher is 8 feet from the plate and the runner is trotting back to the dug out. I call time the coach again wants to yell at me I hold him at bay and I talk to my partner.
The runner is out
No pitcher dropped the ball
No the runner is out for contact
You have to decide was the contact malicious.
No, it was not
Are you sure, because my back was turned on another potential play.
Yes, it was not malicious.
Turn around and call the runner out for contact he did not exercise one of his four options.
He turns, calls the runner, the coach comes out to me you cannot turn his call over.
No, I cannot
However, you just did
No, I did not
He changed his call
However, you told him to
no I did not we discussed the rule and clearly your player failed to slide, your player failed to stop, your player failed to go around, and he clearly failed to go back, so the only discussion we had was to eject him and you or just call him out.
Is he ejected?
Are you still in this game talking to me?
He turns and goes back to the dug out.
I explain the conditions to the other coach. He wants malicious contact I tell him I cannot give him that because I did not see the play.
Why not?
Because you might have wanted that out at second too.
We did not get one at second but you might have and I would have missed it if I were watching the play at home.
OK you are right.
Thanks coach.
Game 3 nine
Me on bases
Newbie [not my son] on plate (you have to do it at some point)
He gets a fucked up convoluted play at the plate and I would have made the same call as him but the coach wants to yell and intimidate the young man. He yells, "That is horrible that is terrible that is totally UN acceptable"
I call time and I make the coach walk all the way to me at first base. I tell him that his attitude is horrible that it is a terrible example and that it is unacceptable and if he is to lose his cool one more time, I do not care the reason and how much time is left on the clock I will send him to the parking lot and then my report will ensure that he is out for the rest of the tournament.
He says that I am right and that he is sorry
I tell him that he needs to apologize to the players not me.
Game 13
White vs. blue nine
98ºF 88%H
High shoulder pitch for the third ball in a row at the top of the first half (third pitch of the game) white moans and says something.
I turn and say We Will Not Go There Today. No, we will not. Am I clear?
Five heads nod yes
An out later runner steals third catcher throws and beats the runner but the fielder is too slow to swipe a proper tag my son calls the runner safe.
A coach screams BULLSHIT!
I did not hear it
My son did and he turned and in three steps crossed from third to first base line and says to the white team "there will be no profanity on the fields at any time". The five coaches all look like whip lash victims. Here is a 16-year-old telling 30-year-old gansta/MS13 looking men to stop swearing and he does so with all the authority of a grown man. I tell you I was never so proud at that moment.
Not a word fro the rest of the inning.
At the half-blue coach comes down to warm the pitcher. “I am going to call you the no nonsense umpires"
It is too hot to deal with anything other than just baseball.
He agrees.
My son arrives at the plate
I say to him "a warning for profanity?" man that coach owes you a steak dinner." he has no idea that he should be in his car right now.
My son says he did not know which coach said it.
I said if you had tossed the manger, he would have ponies the man up right quick
Yeah you are right
Wow, he is lucky I did not hear the profanity.
The white coach walks up, apologizes, and says that he has the situation under control.
My son says I hope so because it will not be tolerated around these young men.
You are right blue I am sorry
((You know what? My son fucking rocks!))(At 16 he gets it, he has the maturity to do the things it takes to be a man. I did not I was still trying to live and stay alive)
Game 16
Green vs. Blue 13s
me at the dish
3 minutes left of playtime losing team at the plate
Coach complains about a narrow escape at home.
I hear something from his side about picking sides
In addition, he has just said, "you have to call that pitch for both sides blue"
I stop the game.
"Coach, I know that there is 3 minutes left to play and I do not care if there is 30 seconds left to play if I hear one more remark that questions my integrity of my sportsmanship I will toss you to the parking lot and then call ball game.
Do not ever question my honesty I am not here to pick a winner I am here to make the decisions the two coaches cannot.
Yes blue I am sorry.
Game 18
Championship 12s
Yellow vs. white
This game was a tightly played well-pitched game that resembled two boxers in the ring trading punches. Honest to god the first two innings had no more than 13 pitches thrown.
No runner advanced past third base, we played for 3 hours something like 8 innings, and the game ended 7-0.
How you might asked.
White’s #12 was on the mound and the coach told me he was going to sub him in this half as he only had one out left in his allowable count for the tournament, but he was going to let him pitch while his number 2 boys was warming up.
Are you?
Yes.
Yellow coach says hey coach you now he has only one out right.
Yeah I am going to leave him in for it. Thanks for reminding me.
No problem.
I start the game. The pitcher clearly walks the first batter to burn sometime.
I look to white coach to see if he wants time.
I let the yellow batter in the box and he sees three balls and then the pitcher lets one drop into the zone just enough and the batter hits it to third. Third scoops and throws to second. OUT! In addition, the second turns and throws to first for a banger. OUT!
The play could have gone the other excessively. The white coach drops to his knees. The yellow coach is calmly walking up to me. The players and the parents have no clue what just happened except a double play was made and on a bang bang. The umpire on the field has no idea either because he is going back to his position.
Yellow coach goes to me and says the pitcher has pitched too many outs. Yes, I think you may be right, get the tourney director.
The white coach is now explaining to his side what just happened. My partner hears and he just smiles.
The tourney director confirms that the double was too many outs and the white has to forfeit the game.
I told my partner that this is the first time in history that a defensive coach is pissed that an umpire called a double play.
Like A Monkey With A HandgunBy Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..
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