To the class of 2012.
Grant us the strength to vanquish the evil that opposes your will. Grant us the courage to stand up for what is right and might. Help us to evangelize your word through our accomplishments. Though our wins lord the blasphemers and the unrighteous will see you your strength and your might.
As I look out on the fresh seemingly innocent faces, I am reminded of how awesome it was when I was young. How when I was taking on the world not as a bringer of justice or herald of the lord, but like most of you, a young mind filled with lusty ideas and fleshy desires. I went out into the world shoving my dick in just about everything it would fit into. I thought that if I fucked enough that I would become powerful and I could change the world.
But alas the lord knows better and he beat me at every turn, until I found my calling. [Looking skyward and holding up my hands] Oh lord the lessons you taught me! [Now smile at the audience].
You too will go out into the world and fuck it up! You will go out and camp in a park and [air quotes] Blog about how it is unfair that you have to work to find a job and how [air quotes] unfair it all is that the ones before have had all the great ideas and have collected so much wealth.
But you what you don’t realize is that every one of those bastard pirates and corporate whore mongers have sold their soul to get what they have. And they will go to hell for it! They will have their feet placed to the fire for all eternity. And they will be below watching as you, the young, inherit everything that they have built, and stolen. [loud] You will have the opportunity to smelt down their golden calf and cast it into a new image, a new muther fucking idol! You will write a new freaking book on how shit gets done.
You will choose who eats and who doesn’t, you will be in charge or whether or not the pirates and corporate whores get their diapers changed. You and your classmates will be the bringers of a new apocalypse, you will be tearing down this world and building a new one. You all will bring about a new era of how shit is done and who gets to do the shit. But, [long pause and a wicked smile] there is always a but [look to your left at the last chair or oldest asshole over there], you have to get the power. And the power is sadly more education, [laugh and pause] yeah I know you just finished school and now the good Reverend Sleestaxx is telling you that you have more school ahead of you.
But do not be surprised to find your road a bit hard and rough. They do not want you to wrest the control from them. Right now they are already building defensive blockades raising tuition and mucking up the economy to drive a greater divide between the classes. So do not dally, do not procrastinate, do not go and spend your time foolishly shoving your dick into every hole you find. Get in, get down, and get the fuck out.
The nice thing for y’all is that with the right amount of power your fight with the fuckers of this world is not going to be very bloody or very costly. Because those grubby, fat fingered piss ants in charge will have retired or be too old and too blind from compliancy to even see you coming,
So please do not waste your youth on the road side crying about the inequities of the establishment and how the poor stay poor and the rich stay rich. Go out and work hard, learn hard, and play mother fucking hard. Break things, get messy and for the love of god do not cry, because, you know what, when you are their age they will be in need of you to change their diapers and care for them and that is when you can extract your revenge for having to live in a world where we have to fight for stupid shit like same sex marriages, and whether or not some pro-athlete did drugs.
When you are in charge, and you will be, you can fix all the mistakes we have made. You will have the opportunity to right all of our wrongs.
[signal the sound manager for more bass] [raising voice] You will become the new rulers of the new world! [Yelling] You will be the writers of the new rule book! YOU WILL BE IN CHARGE!
You will be in more control of more shit than just the small little spit of dirt called a country, you will be FUCKING GLOBAL! You and your generation will be in charge of EVERYTHING!
Now go out there and fuck it all up like we did! Congratulations to the class of 2012.