In My Neighborhood #26

By John Sleestaxx

It was time for the yearly HOA meeting. The developer was to release another seat. The rest of the seats were two year terms as was this one so I was not in need of re election but I wanted a partner for the new seat. I wanted someone in the chair that would play ball and look out for the best interest of the neighborhood.
We were going over the old business and just finished reading the minutes from the last meeting. When Bono walked in, he was followed by the Edge and an entourage of ass-wiping, yes people and ego strokers that would leave any real politician in a state of koro so severe that he would run out of the room crying.
Bono tried to address the assembly but was politely reminded that this was the old business and any new business from the floor had it’s time and this was not it.
“I am sorry for interrupting” Bono apologized, “I just got here from an AID concert somewhere on the planet that was to benefit some oppressed global citizen somewhere not even near the concert and probably was not even interested in the music my band mates and I produce.”
“That is fine” Lee said “but..”
“I heard there was a seat on the committee of this community and I decided that I would like to be on the board.” Bono just spoke over Lee.
“The seat is for residents of the neighborhood” I interjected.
“Yes I bought two houses one for me and the other for my hat.” He said.
“Fine but we are still not to that part of the meeting.” Lee said
“I want to make positive changes in the community like I have globally.” Bono said. “I demand that this position be appointed to me. For I am Bono of U2.”
Everyone sort of shifted in their chairs when they realized that there was an asshole in the room.
Lee looked down at his notes and then to me. I shrugged.
Edge just leaned on the wall in the back watching the spectacle unfold.
Bono begins to talk about how there is too many houses and not enough green space and that what we need to do is tear down one house and put a park space on every street.
Henry gets all giddy like a school girl. Henry starts to bounce in his chair, eyes wide in admiration and star struck non-gay love for Bono.
Henry starts to ooh and aww over the drivel Bono is spewing onto the floor. So much so that he can’t help himself and he does not care that Bono is trying to take over.
“That would mean more animal habitats and more wild life, we need less displacement of the natural residents before we moved in.” Bono spoke to no-one.
Henry finds a pause in the diatribe and shoots his hand up and speaks in a nervous cadence “What about lawn art?”
Bono shakes his head and Henry sags. “No lawn art, but bird baths should be a mandatory artifact in all the remaining yards.” Henry beams with joy.
Just then Brit and Pink break into a fight.
Everyone starts to chant “Fight, fight, fight.”
They roll around on the ground knocking over chairs. They grapple and pull hair “bitch” “fucker”. They slap and gouge and begin to tear each others clothes, it was quite the cat fight spectacle.
Finally Bono breaks them up. He separates them and they are sitting on the floor legs spread and hair all a mess. He squats down between them and talks to them.
“You know there is too much rage in the world. Too much hate. And too much anger. The other night I had a dream. And I was on this space ship and I was taken into space and I was looking back on the world from afar. And I could see all the hate and anger radiating from the big blue marble.”
“And I could see how ugly the humans look when they are arguing and fighting. And this being an alien spaceship the aliens told me that we humans are the most primitive creatures in the universe because of our hate and anger. I wept and cried like a baby asking him to tell what to do and he said that I should play more of my music and make more albums because our U2 music is the most humanizing sounds anywhere."
Just then Pink and Britney started crying and they hugged each other and apologized to one another and then hugged again then the kissed. And the community gave a collective ahhh and clapped.
Then Jello nominated Bono for the new position and Sammie Hagar babbled something drunken and incoherent and fell face first into the ground. Rob Halford looks away and shakes his head.
We all kind of looked round because of the distraction. Since we were lost I tried to put us back on the rails with.
"Look we can't all just tear down houses and make parks. We can't just decide to let this freak on the board."
Bono starts to jump up and down and yell. “Who the hell are you? I am the great Bono and I deserve that position because I am Bono.”
Well I am the Great Reverend Sleestaxx. This neighborhood is mine and I am the sword and the plow of the lord.
“You should have no say.” He said.
“Yeah, I said this is MY neighborhood.” And at that Bono just disappeared. The crowd gasped and awed.
The Edge looked about.
“FUCK yeah! Finally the piece shit sheep shagger is gone man” Edge’s arms flailing, spit flying from his lips showing his passion and pent up rage. “If I had to hear about the world’s poor one more fucking time I thought I was going to fuckin’ puke. I just want play and drink and bed women.” Said the Edge.
“I “ The Edge continued, “am so glad the damaged fucker is gone.”
And Bono reappears in the back of the room.
“I “ The Edge starts to prowl around the rooms perimeter, “hated that bitch since I kicked his pussy ass in some pub in Dublin. Man he whines...” Bono taps the Edge on the shoulder.
“Hey Bono, and good to have you back it seems this reverend guy is a witch he made you disappear.”
And he made me talk ill of you while you were gone.
No that is fine I under understand now. I would like to request a position.
Henry chimes in "What about the bird baths?"
Bono looked to me. I shook my head. Bono said "No Henry that would not be prudent or in the neighborhood’s best interest.”






Like A Monkey With A Handgun

By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

Also reading

With A Mouthful Of Razorblades

By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

2 comments:

malflic said...

Bono the arrogant bastard. Off to fill up my bird bath.

cwtstraydog(c) (TM) said...

yeah i bet your neighbors love you