Elbow Snakes and Lawn Gnomes

It was in the middle of the night and I woke drenched in sweat. I had another one of those dreams were the zombies are after me and they all look like old dead friends.

My best girl did not stir so I must not have been screaming this time.

I lifted my feet over the edge of the bed to get up and fuck me if the room was not filled with water. Not spring water either but black brackish swamp water. The smell of rotting dead vegetation was tremendous.

I turned to wake my lover, but now I see she why she was not stirring because she was dead, her cold eyes staring at the ceiling like so many other nights making love.

I lifted my hand to my mouth and there I saw it, a freaking snake or something and it was at least three feet long and growing from my elbow. I leaped from the bed making a huge splash. I ran like a clown in the water to the bathroom.

I flicked the light switch. Sparks flew from the switch plate, but in that quick instant in the flash of orange light I saw the snake writher and turn to face me. I saw it’s eyes and TEETH the freaking goddamn snake had teeth and huge sharp gnarly fangs.

In a panic I turned to hide my face from that hideous sight on my elbow and slipped on the half floating bathroom rug. As I went under water I saw that freaking gnome from my neighbor’s yard.

What the hell is it doing here? I thought.

He turned and smiled at me. Yeah the lawn gnome smiled, AT me.

Holy Jesus this is too weird. I thought.

And then I really woke up covered in blood and my girlfriend yelling my name.

I looked around at the blood and then I found I had picked this wart off my finger.

Extreme road crossing

Extreme road crossing

“Why should I let you hang with us?” asked Joe taking a drag on his cigarette.
Steven swallowed hard, “I can run fast and jump high and I know where the sweet grass is”. This did not make Steven special because all jackrabbits can do and know these things.
“Big deal Stevie.” Joe said and flicked the burning butt into Steven’s fury chest.
“Tell you what,” Joe said, “cross that highway when a car is coming and if that car gets close to you, I will let you into out gang.”
That is how extreme road crossing became a sport.