In my neighborhood #11
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
There is always room for Jello.
The neighborhood association had their yearly meeting last Friday.
There was a bit of turmoil about some of the people moving in and some of the riff raff that have been seen walking the streets.
Many of the association are upset with Lee Ving about his handing of the board and his surprise placement on the board as president.
I understand that the president had to move due to health and personal reasons but also when you are known to associate with heroin users like Axle Rose does you know that you that are a health risk and should not accept any responsibilities.
How was Axle able to get financing to buy that house? I mean seriously though he looks like a drug addict, he sings about drugs.
And he should have never run for president but he did then he got "sick" and then he had to do a quick sale on the house.
A quick sale?? Why when your credit score is that of a welfare queen you need not to worry about a foreclosure on your report. But who am I to say anything? I do not want to gossip.
So Axle had to leave and in some secret unannounced board meeting Lee was placed in the president slot and the other spot is vacant. The subdivision has grown and the developer is releasing another board position to be held also so now we have two vacancies and a president that was not voted on.
This was a meeting I wanted to attend. I had some grievances to bring up and I think that to protect my investment I may need to participate.
The meeting was in a barrowed gymnasium of a church down the street. Apparently there was a lot of hoo ha because the management company had hired a couple of police to stand around eat cookies and drink coffee.
I was there early with my wife and son I wanted to maybe press flesh with a few and maybe feel out some of my neighbors on voting for me. I met with Wendy and Hammer they said that they would vote they did not care. Johnny said he would as long as I promised to keep the freaks out and I would not talk about Marilyn Mason any more.
Rollins said he was going to run just so he could get a spot on the board and get the approval of bird baths in the deed restrictions.
Kidd and Pam said they wanted to go but they decided to go to the lake. ha I think I smell a scandal. They gave me their vote in proxy.
Pink and Britney said they were having a party and did not want to go and they claim that they were giving their proxy to Henry as they know about the letter I wrote complaining about them and decided to waste their votes on freaking Henry Rollins! The bitches! com'on a wasted vote is a forefather's death being marginalized. Democracy is the breath of humanism and Judo Christianity. The pagan hedonist slut lesbians do not care about the neighbor and they deserve Ice T as a neighbor.
I arrived at what I thought was an early enough time to meet people as they came in and signed up but I was wrong, Jello was there handing out porn and popcorn to everyone coming saying, “A vote for Jello is a vote for me. ha ha ha no seriously vote for me Jello I am your new neighbor and I want to represent you on the board. I will pay attention to the needs, wants and desires of you common folk. I will protect the value of your homes while maintaining a free and artistic view on the deed restrictions.”
I am a former green party candidate nearly chosen to run for president but ousted by Ralph Nader the really old guy who hates convertibles and pintos.
I will bring you all to the meetings and I will speak your words to the board when decisions need to be made and restrictions placed on the neighborhood. I know you all I ...."
“Jello” I interrupted, “you do not know me and you do not care about my needs or the needs of anyone else in the neighborhood. You just want to run for a position and win. You have lost too many elections and your penis is shrinking for it. You want to swing your dick and you decide that my community is the place to do it.”
I continued, “You have not the slightest clue what the issues are do you?”
“Yes I do.” He shot back with the mannerisms of an autistic, “I know that there are basket ball hoops on the street and that some of our neighbors are also have birdbaths both of which are violations of the deed restrictions. I plan to right these wrongs and bring the value of our houses up.”
Shit now there were three candidates and two positions. I was fucked. I only had 1 proxy vote and maybe two votes promised. I had completely underestimated my goal.
I mean who can compete with porn AND popcorn?
Well I figured I could beat Henry, as I know that most hate bird baths so my plan now was to either beat Henry or get Henry to throw his support to my side. Either way I had to be on the board to oppose Jello or he would insist that all the dogs had to be dressed in Elmo suits and the kids had to learn the history of some obscure country that no-one knows exists. I could see it, every other house had to be painted purple and we will need armed guards at the subdivision entrances. We all know Jello is nuts and a hypocrite right?
I talked to Henry.
“Hey Henry” I said to get his attention away from the bird lovers magazine, “How do you feel about running against Jello?”
Henry looked up over his reading glasses, “Pretty good he is a nut job and everyone knows it.”
“Yeah and what do you think about me running against the two of you?”
“Aww Dude you got it in the bag.” Very confident like a performer should be, “I mean Johnny Cash has been going around talking you up to everyone and you know that everyone respects Johnny. Shit I wish I thought about getting the Cash-man's support.”
Hell now I had a renewed vigor and purpose and personal self-doubt and self loathing.
Maybe I was not right for the position I mean this is a lot of responsibility.
Naw fuck it! I want to run and I want to run some fuckers out of the neighborhood too.
Lee stood up in front of the neighbors and they boo'd and they razzed and they called for the tar, feathers and a rail.
"ok ok" Lee began, “We are here to go over the proposed increase in dues and the list of defaulted homes.”
“We have many changes that are up for vote...."” he was interrupted.
“BOO” “Fuck Off” A voice from the side.
“You suck.” From the back
“Now wait a minute we're from Frisco.” Lee said rolling his eyes back in a very bored action.
There was some laughing.
“Here some real money we want you to like us!” Digging into his pocket.
“Seriously why do I have to go the same shtick every time we meet?” obviously pissed.
“Because you suck donkey nuts!” Came from the back
“But now the agenda calls for...”
And Lee rambled on and on for like 45 minutes with many interruptions. Then someone stood up and asked for Lee to step down. He called them a homo and told them to fuck off and then came the board member positions announcement.
Johnny Cash stood up and said that he would like to nominate Reverend John Sleestaxx.
Some murmuring and a female spoke in the back to second the nomination I turned around and it was Olga D'Volga.
Olga then stood up and said “John lives down the street from me and I just want to say Reverend Sleestaxx is very concerned about everybody and their safety. Whenever there is a party, the good reverend is out front to keep an eye on everything to be sure that everyone is safe.”
Britney stood up but she was so smashed that no-one could understand what she said.
They said they were not coming but here they are. I knew you could not trust the lesbians they are always too shifty to be trusted.
Jello stood up and started to nominate himself and everyone began to boo and spit.
“Look what he did to his own band mates. And he called his fan base dumb punks in a song.”
“Fuck him! Get out now while you still have functioning lungs!”
“Now wait.” Jello started raising his hands in a defensive posture, “I know that you have concerns and you all want to protect your house values. I can do that if you all let me represent you.”
Henry stood up and nominated himself.
Crickets, nothing, dead air, silence.
“I want to affect change. I am about change; I will bring about positive change.”
“We know what you will bring.” Joey Shithead yelled from the front row “You will bring about bird baths and yard art.”
“No that is not what I am about!”
“I am about change and positive change that can co-exist with self expression and value retention.”
“I am about nature and communing with the earth and the little creatures that create the diversity that is earth.”
“I am about bringing in an era. Escorting in a new culture, and a new belief system into our diverse ecosystem that is our living space. Where we can express our desire to commune with nature and preserve our investments.”
“I want to find common platforms that we all can harmoniously co-exist.”
“Not some restrictive stifling, smothering, cookie cutter, complex of wood, brick, and stucco. Not a place where one’s beliefs are rammed down the throat of everyone in the subdivision because one person has all the power.”
"Henry shut the fuck up" shouted Lemmy "We all voted for “no yard art”, we all know that yard art leaves too many questions about what is art and what is not."
“We need to vote, we have three candidates and two positions. Henry Rollins, Jello Biafra, and Reverend John Sleestaxx, Please write down a name, one name, and only one name the two names with the highest votes will be brought onto the board.”
“What about the president spot chimed.” MC Hammer
Lee spoke; “I currently hold the spot because Axle defaulted on his loan. This was a decision by the entire board and not some arbitrary decision made by me and when the other two spots are filled we will meet later and vote to see who will hold the president spot for the next year.”
Ballots were cast, ballots were counted and the elected candidates were announced.
Henry and I received the most votes, 137 182 respectively. Jello received 5 votes. Jello cried like a little girl who was just told by her BFF that she was ugly.
Henry and I did the dance of victory in front of Jello we pointed and yelled "in your face bitch" and did high fives.
Did I ever tell you all that I was a bad winner? I am. I like to enjoy my win; I want everyone to know that I won. So yeah, I am, by today’s PC standards, a bad winner.
This was the best time I had with Henry and I knew this was the start of a long whinny war about a goddamn bird bath.
It was nice to see some of my other neighbors and it was nice to know some of the new ones. It was nice to know that I am well liked in the subdivision and that Johnny is on my side.
Lemmy scares me though, I am afraid he is going to turn his garage into a biker ice house. We will have to see.
But right now I am in charge and ready to make some real changes across the board.
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