In my neighborhood #4 By John Sleestaxx

In my neighborhood #4
By John Sleestaxx

Did you know that MC-Hammer is a preacher?? And he lives in my neighborhood.
MC Hammer lives on the street next to Wendy on her left.
Saturday he was having a Christmas/church/office party.
The whole church was there. And there were ponies and carts for rides up and down the street but none of the grownups were riding as they were all dressed in white suits and wide brimmed hats.
Have you ever seen horse hair on a white suit it is despicable.
Any way they were all milling around in the front yard and back yard drinking Hennessey and Gold Monkey watching the kids play in the pool and ride the ponies.
There were cars all parked up and down the street. Lincolns and Cadillac, Excursions and Lexus’s, there were Hummers coming pout of my ass.
I was asked twice if I would park their car for them.
Hey 10 bucks is 10 bucks why the fuck not.
When MC-Hammer has a party it is once a year and there is nothing but entertainment. He does it like the rappers in the 80s did it, BIG.
He had midgets and clowns in little cars running around like fire men.
The ladies were all in their best like in church.
But some moron parked their car in my driveway and then another bone head parked their car in front of Wendy’s drive way. She was pissed. She yelled at me and I shrugged and stepped closer to my front door, Just in case, ‘cause I remember that one time when I told her they were having a sale at home depot on electrical tape. Hey I thought it was funny, so yeah I give Wendy a wide berth when she is mad.
She stomped over to Hammer’s house and there was some yelling as I could hear it over the disc jockey.
“Get it together Hammer. Come on Hammer it is time to move the car. Move the damn car Hammer.
Then the music stops, a record scratch comes through the air from his backyard and then a 12 inch vinyl record comes sailing over the fence and a man screams.
Some of the ladies come out of the backyard like chickens when the gate is left open and here comes Wendy and she is wound up now.
I run over to get Henry but he is out and I turn to Kidd’s house and Pam and him are just pulling in from the grocery store.
They both jump out and stand on my lawn with me.
We all just smile at each other. When Kidd looks away I take in Pam in all her Baywatch one piece glory, I see her catch me and she smiles, the slut. I flush red from my nipples to my ears and I break a small sweat.
Kidd does not notice as he is watching Wendy come out of her house with a portable cutting saw, one just like the rescue workers use in car accidents.
She hops on the car and just starts slicing through the roof.
Now Hammers guests start to run and yell.
Hammer comes out of the backyard and is screaming at Wendy " you stupid bitch what are you doing."
Wendy stops and sets the saw down.
I yell "don't hurt him Wendy". It is a joke and Hammer shoots me a sideways look. And Wendy kicks Hammer in the crotch but never connects with his testes because the pants are those hammer pants we know and secretly loved.
His crowd all starts to chant HAMMMER! HAMMEER!
And he pulls back and hits Wendy and they just go down from there into a huge boxing match.
They box for another minute until the midgets dressed like the keystone cops come in and break up the two trading punches.
Wendy goes in to her house crying and hammer is helped back to his house by the crowd that gathered.
The garage door begins to open slowly and I hope and pray I see it.
And I do.
Just as I begin to see the black bumper contrasted against the yellow paint. Hammer and his crew turn.
They hear the diesel engine roar and the black smoke billow out of the garage and they know it is all over and they run for the hills.
Kidd and Pam grab my shoulders but I try to stay in the yard but they are stronger together than me and I fall back dragging on my heels.
The door fully rolls back and the school bus lurches out of the garage.
There is a guitar tearing the air from somewhere.
I am about inside Kidd's house and just as the bus collided with the car, an orange fire ball erupts and Pam slams the door.

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