Why Lord, Oh Why?

Every once in while I wake up forget where I am think "Oh what a beautiful day.
Gee today is the first day of the rest of my life. I am going to make something of it!
“Yeah! Wahoo. Good morning Mr. blue bird! What a great day!
And then I am sent a video that I actually watch and I think yep I am back on planet earth alright.
Because there can be no other place in the god forsaken universe that this shit can happen


This tough guy better be sucking dick in prison.
I want to go to prison just to beat on this fuckers head.
I want to put this fucker in my garage and beat him daily.
Pull his fucking teeth out one at a time.
Pull his nails out after I put paper cuts on his finger webs.
This mother fuck should be fed to dogs.
What to do with Vick's dogs?? Use them as teaching instruments.
If this fucker can live for 7 days with these dogs retrained to eat him then,
Yeah he can have his 37 years sucking dick in prison.
How can I implore upon anybody the hate I feel right now? There is no know measurement known to the human race
I am so full of hate I think I may have a stroke. I am a crucible of hate and anger.
This piece of shit stink has no right to be allowed on the same planetary surface as me.
I would suspend this fucker by his ankles and whip his skin until he was raw.
I would then cover his body with sugar and let the fire ants have their way him.
This is too close to home for me.
I need a day off and some serious medications to forget this video.
Now why do I need the medications?
He is the one with the problem. Why is he still alive??
Oh god in heaven here the voice of your humble servant John Sleestaxx.
Why is this man alive oh lord?
I know you can not have a lesson for me here.
Why do I need a reminder of these horrors lord? Do I not deserve a night without the
Yes I have nightmares.
I have zombie nightmares. About 5-6 a month.
I have people I know from the past chasing me and my family
And I am always trying to protect my family from the zombies
And I wake up in real sweats seriously dripping in water.
Two quarts of water is what is needed to quench the thirst. And for days I can't shake the
Feeling of loss, the feeling of dread every night.
The fear that I will not escape these nightmares is distracting and gets in my waking way
The next day. Then the feelings dissipate and I begin to get normal and then POW! BIFF!
WHAM! I get blind sided by some person I have known in the past, who is undead and wants to......
What are they trying to do to my family and me??
Maybe they are trying to get just me?
Maybe I have guilt.....LOL.... for past actions and the past is what I am trying
To get away from and I fear that I can not escape my past.
Hell I can believe most of this but this does not sound like it is fixable.
I would rather have the feelings everyday then to have them go away and come back.
Like every Sunday have the zombie dream get geared and ready for the week and then taper off for the weekend

Ah fucket this is my hell and I have made it and I have to live with it.
But the fucker seriously needs a 3 times daily ass whooping.
No 4 times daily, let us not forget the fourth meal. Crunchy, squishy, howling in pain, and dripping in his own blood, vomit, and shit.
FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
fuck fuck fuck
Damn him and the fucking video
I would have been so much better not having seen this travesty.


A couple games last night

You know when I umpire I looked like an asshole. I do not mean to look like an asshole. But there you go I am an asshole on the field that is just because if look like the nice guy I am the coaches all get outta hand real quick.
In my plate meeting I finish with;
"If there is a play on the field and you want to talk about the play, let the play finish wait for the call, ask for time, wait for time to be granted, approach the official that made the call and we can have a positive discussion. I expect sportsmanship from both sides. Any questions"
We started with some jokes about some other umpires being bad and that they maybe friends of mine and I said since I becomes an umpire I have no friends. Do not feel bad for me though this is good. I save allot of money on alcohol and food when I have people over for a party.
I told them I was alone on the field and that I would be making all the calls tonight. They said that was ok.
I said well because we all have no choice in the matter (I am an asshole).
Game is good second batter up makes a close double into a close triple causing me to run the field.
I look good I am in position at all times.
Boy tryst to steal second, good idea with on umpire, the catcher gets the ball there first and the runner slides into the tag. The glove with the ball is under the knees of the runner.
I call "show me the ball" the short stop pulls the glove out and the ball flees outta his mitt. "Safe"
The usual chirping about the balls and strikes actually the balls the strikes were quite.
At the bottom of the 4th the batter chips the ball into the ground in front of the plate.
It is now like a bunt and barely rolls up the third base side with a loose runner on third.
The ball spins on the line -ON THE LINE- a 2 and half inch ball is spinning like a top on a 2 inch line. Catcher and pitcher hover. Ball stops and they look at me. My right arm shoots out pitcher picks the ball up looks back and throws to the base but the batter is on base by 3 steps. Runner on third comes in on the throw to first and scores.
Coach calls time.
I expect a talk about the line.
He says "the ball came off the batters toe when he was in the box"
"No it did not"
"Uh YES it did" like duh big red truck tone.
"No it did not"
"Yes it did"
"No coach the call is mine not yours the ball did not touch the batter"
"Yes it did"
"I did not see contact therefore contact did not occur"
"Yes it did”
"You know what this conversation is over"
"You said we would have a positive conversation"
"And the conversation was positive until you said I was wrong"
"I never raised my voice"
"Neither have I yet"
"Now again this conversation is over and this is your warning."
"My warning there was contact and ..."
"Now coach I have stated that this conversation is over AND I have given you your warning
This is your second and last."
He walks away and mutters.
What should have occurred was "coach what the hell you want me to do? Appeal? Come on I 1 umpire doing 1 man mechanics and you want to try and bust my balls on a bullshit call like that fuck you! And tell that loud mouth fucking mom to shut the hell up. She can not see the fucking plate from there so can not tell little Donny that the pitch was a strike. Fuck off and here let me help you to the dugout with a swift kick to the ass."

I remember a time when I liked the game of baseball
The smell of wet grass, the throwing the ball with my son, the "anything can happen" feeling, the thought of how happy and proud my son is when he completes a well played game. Man the great life lessons he is learning.
I was probably the only parent that rooted for the team until the umpire called ball game.
I remember coaching and I remember the umpires and I never argued with the umpires. I knew they were not there to get me but to get the game right. Today coaches watch the sports highlights and think that the umpires are there to abuse. The kids learn that the umpires are blind, stupid, they suck and they are worthless. They could not make a call to save their lives, and the team must not only beat the other team but they must beat the umpires too.
Man these fucking parents and coaches are way the fuck outta control.
The second game was good until a coach asked for time and then asked about my strike zone. I told him that the strike zone is not up for discussion, but are they outside?
You know what coach I will give you a free one. They are outside just as I have motioned through out the game.
No coach a free one does not mean that you can ask another question.
He moves his catcher and wow strike. the kid already has a smoking fast ball and the other team is basically a rec team he could finish the game with 9 pitch innings and we could go home early but know you and that loudmouth bitchy mom gotta play like it is the world fucking series.

stupid quizes

Honestly i have taken 2 now 4 internet quizes the first one is because i liked the retrun of the living dead horror movie. I know it was a bad B movie and it was campy and bla bla bla fuck you.
I liked it.

Which Return of the Living Dead Character Are You???

You're Zombie Freddy!
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

And then this thing was on the choice list two and well hell i am here so what the fuck!

What kind of Goth would you be?

You're a Denial Goth! You are so not Goth. In fact you're Post-Punk/Darkwave/Whatever lesser-known synonym for goth is popular this week. Give it up, it's obvious you're a Goth.
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

I am an old punk. I was one of the first real hardcores in my town. We would scare little old ladies at stop signs and women woudl clutch their kids and purses in the mall.
I eventually morphed into death rock and my friends did too. they call it grunge. there was some goth to it but not enough to say i was goth. well there were the animal bones and chicken feet strung with blessed rosery beads. but no i was not goth.

Reality For The Win

The other day I wrote this;

This guy got everything was looking for. Yes Virginia there is a Santa.
He wanted to raise awareness. He wanted to create a ruckus. He wanted to make a freaking statement and he did all of that and now he is famous for it like abbey Hoffman and Patty Hearst. He forever will be the epitome of free thinkers

About the don’t taser me bro video that has become a virus

And this fella freaks and starts talking about love and universe and koolaid
"If a person enjoys this, they need to check themselves in for a mental check-up.
They would obviously have some serious issues.
They would have to be considered a danger to themselves and society in general.
Necessary or not - not talking about tasering - talking about enjoyment of it.
Would have to be pretty sick
I read your blog on umpiring - it was awesome - is this the same person writing this?
Worried about teaching respect?
Then he makes the kool aid comment about umpiring and questioning my ability to umpire a game.
Teaching respect??? No shoving the lesson of respect down the throats of grown people who can not behave for 1 hour and 40 minutes is more like it.
So I think hey maybe this whinny tree huggin fur kissin dirt munchin druid has me confused with someone else and well I am all about fair play so to be sure his umpire hero is not maligned because he can't pay attention to which porn window is open I message him.
I ask him which umpire blog he is speaking about.
Yeah its mine but I can not think of a single kool aid moment in anything I speak about umpiring.
“Umpire in the blog on myspace!
Yes that is me. And there is nothing wrong if you look at the comments and see the point. "
And more love and universe and hug a tree shit later
"I thought what you said as an umpire was great. About the respect. About living by the rules going for one as well as the other. Talking about acceptance here... common ground... being a grown up in a grown-up's body...

Troubles me that the same person who wrote this could be so calloused to this kid getting tased.

Just hearing his voice, whether he's faking it or not, at the end, crying out, disturbs my soul. Even though I feel like he's a whiny baby. It’s still disturbing, and I hate it.

We can't have one set of rules for us and another for everyone else. Just like your buddy in the dug-out. We can't have our feet on both sides of the fence. We may be deceived into thinking it is possible, but I assure you that it isn't.

Be aware: God offers a choice:
"Choose life, or choose death."
Then He offers a little hint... "Choose life"

He who has ears to hear - let him hear - I will trouble you no further.

God Bless you brother – Name withheld because it is my soap box."
And I reply
"Do not be mistaken I have no friends in the dugout. No I never wrote any of that about being an umpire.
Umpiring is great in that I can be in control. And it is stressful and I love stressful situations they make you feel alive.
The guy is asking for what he got. Plain and simple.
I am sorry that life has been so good to you that you can think that everything is fair. Read my blog about evil among us and another sandwich.
You are too soft for me"

I will wipe them out and beat them to death; the can not get up; they will fall at my feet
Samuel 22:39
Rev. John Sleestaxx

And then this is where the funny stuff starts.
He try’s to show how tough he is
You know NOTHING about me my friend (wait I never invited him to be a friend)
Try me
Try me
Don’t kid yourself
Nor am I so afraid that I hide behind a cartoon picture and use the name of the biggest coward out there
The biggest liar out there
Why don't you grow up and be a man -
You’re 42 for God's sake

Fucking whiney little babies. You know if the sound of someone being tasered makes you ill then you are too soft. Your sensibilities are mush! You think that life is fair.
You think that the cops should not be aloud to yell. And you think that children should not be spanked.
Well "buddy" where was your thinking when my step father was abusing me? Where was your perfect fair world when I finally ran away and the next grownup I met did the same thing to me? And how about when I left that nut job and ended up in San Francisco, The hippie nirvana. And there some other nut job thinks that I should get paid for the abuse huh??
Yeah you know what fuck you and your perfect fucking world.
My world is the real world, in my world people get hurt for no reason, and people get hurt when they do the wrong thing, people die for no reason, and wives nearly die over a fucking common cold. You rack up bills you can not pay just to live and then you fucking work forever. In my world 8 year old boys are taught things that would make pussies like you vomit. Fuck you and your sensibilities and your “disturbed to the soul shit” I have been through the fires, I have lived in a hell, I have crawled clawed and fought my way out of a hell and you want to tell me about fair and respect and grownups. LOL yeah uh oh fucking kay sure tell me another faerie tell uncle whiner. Yeah fucking right!
Eat a pile of shit and maggots and go for rides with traveling sales men. Let them park their rented car in a alley or parking lot and tell you about their son your age and how proud of them they are. Let them talk about how important they are and how this car is nothing like the one they have home.
They will bla bla bla about everything about themselves but never ask why is a twelve year old expected to….
Then there are the freaks that lose control of their anger and get angry at you for doing what they asked in the first place.
Are these twisted fuckers in you world brother?? Huh?? Are they?? I bet you had no idea that this fucking twisted shit happens at all in this wonderful country.
Your world is great and so wonderful. And the sun always shines and there is never a dead body on the side of the fucking road in your fucking world.
[Showing my middle finger at you] Your world of unicorns and elves and fairies has been deforested and paved over so that my world can put in a fucking Wal-Mart and a race track.
Have a sandwich and such the fuck up.
Reality For The win

Questions for the universe

Are farts suppose to be lumpy??
Manage time, save time, but we all die anyways??
This guy got everything was was looking for. Yes virginia there is a santa.
He wanted to raise awareness. He wanted to create a ruckus. he wanted to make a freaking statement and he did all of that and now he is famous for it like abby hoffman and patty hearst. he forever will be the epitomy of free thinkers

My Freaking Tuesday night games

My freaking games on Tuesday.
I have the field.
My partner has the plate. He asks me to handle the plate meeting.
I state unlimited runs and the run rules are 15,10,8 3, 4, 5
0and the rest of the stuff
No questions we play a slow game of baseball
Next game...
My plate my speech
Coach red asks about balk warnings.
I say sure it is fall if you both want them then I will give 2 per pitcher.
I am also lenient in league a little shoulder no call allot of shoulder then yeah I will.
Flinch because he is nervous warning; flinch because he trying to trick I will flat-out call. This is fall we want to be instructing.
All say great let us get started.
Blue pitcher balks as red steals third. I stop I send the runner back to second and explain the balk to the pitcher.
Dad in dugout starts to chirp. This chirping continues through out the whole game did he go did not go ball strike safe blab the kids get started also now I have a problem he is teaching the kids to be disrespectful.
The red coach wants to know why I sent his runner back to second.
I explain "You wanted warnings I will send the runner back"
But he was stealing how can you send him back?
Because he was not at the base when I called time and I had to call time to give the warning and instruction.
Man you know he was pissed because it was his request for warnings.
Blue on defense Infield blooper behind the pitchers mound short comes in to catch and does. Did he trap or not??? I can not see or say my partner has the call he says yes and throws runner on first out.
Red manager wants to call time says he wants to appeal. I smile nicely san say no he can not. That was a judgment call and not an appeasable play.
He says what?
I say that was not a rules call it was judgment call. You can appeal judgment calls.
And I continue the game
At the half the red manager wants to get clarification on the appeal process. Sure.
I explain that had there been rules incrustation he can ask the umpire that made the call why he made the call, then say that you feel the rule says this and then ask him to get some help on it. then we two umpires will talk get the rule right because that is what we want to do and then my partner will make the correct changes if needed.
But that was a judge net call. You have to ask the umpire that made the call if he could ask me what I saw. He will either ask or not it is his choice. If he asks I will meet with him discuss what I saw and then he will change the call if needed. But I will not talk to him about a judgment call unless he asks for it.
Red plays a very aggressive stand on your neck baseball through the entire game. They lead the entire game they like to stomp on the players.
Close play at first partner calls blue safe. Foot off the bag. Red manager asks my partner for time. My partner says no I will not discuss it with you. Red manager looks at me I shrug, "I said if he chooses it is his chose."
Dad starts off he did not drop the ball how can you let him make that call?
I turn "sir I have had enough of you commentary. He did not say he roped the ball he said the foot was off the bag. We are not going to have anymore from you tonight.
What did I say?
That will be enough. This is now your last warning.
We get to the last inning and home (blue) is behind by 5 runs. Blue shuts red down on 1 run.
Red takes the field
Blue starts to get some hits and now is 2 from tying with one out. Red manager calls time.
Hey blue aren't we doing the 5 run limit?
No sir at the plate I stated unlimited run rule in effect 15,10,8 3, 4, 5.
You did?
Yes I did ... that’s right you chose not to be at the plate meeting that is why you did not know.
But last game we played 5 run...
Was I the umpire at that game?
Well then I can not speak about that game.
Was that part of the plate meeting at that game?
Well then you all agreed to that then.
Today we are playing by the rules with no league modifications as I was told at the beginning of the season.
Now I have to finish the game.
I continue.
Blue gets an out and then a run.
Red manager calls time again.
Yes sir?
Now let me get this straight.
Coach I want to go home as much as you do. It is late the boys have homework I have homework. Let us just finish the game. I explained this to you before. I was told no moods so there are no moods.
If you agreed to something the other day that is the other day
So you umpires can come onto the field with what ever rules you...
Sir we are done with this conversation.
He walks off mutter about something and he tells the stands that umpire gets to makeup the rules.
I stop the game.
Coach. I have stated that this is over. That this conversation is complete. I have heard you and I am telling you that that is enough. I do not care how close to the end of the game we are I have no problem changing your perspective of the game.
We finish the game blue wins by the 1 run needed.
I check the website and yes there is a 5 run rule.
I e-mail my UIC the story and say that I was under the impression that USSSA rules are in effect and that I was sorry.
He informs me I was right the website was old and that any AA game is unlimited. That the coach was already e-mailing that his boys were devastated.
Him and the president looked at my game card and noted that if the red manager thought the game was 5 limits he would have tried to finish the game 1 inning back and 25 minutes short.
They told him that I was right and to just learn from it.

Memories and darker places

I was touching bad memories and evoking disturbing emotions the other day and thought that hey this ruined my Sunday how about I ruin everybody’s Tuesday. I am sorry but this is a bit of therapy for me and I now think I can start putting this to down I a tangable format.

I remember lying in bed at night praying that I would get to sleep before they got home. She would be too drunk to occupy him and once she fell asleep and he found me awake....well never mind that horror show. But I remember lying in bed thinking that there has to be a better place than this. Some place that did not hurt. Some place that was warm and nothing was threatening.
I used to think that I could remember a time when that was true. That if I squinted just right and pulled on the edges of my young memory I could see my real dad and my mom smiling and the sun out and there is a fish on the end of my line on my bamboo pole.
I remember laughing at my mom running from the fish as I pulled it out of the water too fast. I remember my dad, my real dad and how brave he was grabbing the squirming flopping fish without hesitation and pulling the hook out of the mouth that made the OH but never spoke.
Another time
I remember the principle coming to my house. I felt so proud when I opened the door and he was there. Man he seemed tall in the door way.
I remember the smile he greeted me with. I remember my mother asking if I was in trouble and him laughing and saying "John? Heavens no."
Then my square headed “Frankenstein” step dad coming in from the back yard and grumbling "who is this"
And my principle introduced him self.
My mother asking if he would like a drink or something. And he said that would not be necessary.
I got embarrassed then because principles do not eat or drink anything, and this must be a special occasion for him to leave school. Man, Mom you had to have known that!
My step father demanding to know why he was here.
He said 'he was here to talk about john'
I was told to go to my room.
I heard the principle say that last week there was test and
The dip shit failed...
No..... I shut the door.
There was murmuring and laughter
Then I heard my step father yelling and then I heard a slap
Then I heard my name being called
And I came out and I was asked what my name was and I told him “John Sleestaxx”.
My mother just sat there with her hand on her cheek and the principle sat there uncomfortable looking at his shoes.
Then my step father said, "there you go he's a Sleestaxx and there is no way a Sleestaxx is smart his real daddy is stupid and he is too.
You made a mistake and I want you all at the school to forget it. There will be no more tests for him and you will leave him in the class he is in." Leave me in my class? Man I must have really failed bad. They wanted to put me back into third grade.
I was glad about that because Miss Meyers was pretty and I liked being in her class.
Mom just sat there as the principle got up, looked at me and smiled, and said that he was sorry for intruding. He shook my hand and I remember my hand just disappearing in his.
And then my step father said that he had overstayed his welcome.
The principle said that he was sorry again and left.
The door closed and I wondered what had happened
I asked my mom as she got up to make dinner "why did Mr. Steiner come over?"
But she said that it was mistake and my stepfather said, "You know Johnny you are just a Sleestaxx and if you were special your daddy would have you at his house with his new wife and kids."
At that moment I knew my step father was right. If I was special I would be with my father, he would have kept me. I would not be here.
But that is as far too happy or proud as I ever get.
I can not recall anything happy about my child hood from that point on.
Just dodging the drunk and the angry mom.

A job Interview That Goes Horribly Bad

I should have never quit smoking. Smoking was the only networking tool that is allowed to me in my position.

Let me give some background, I Perform reliability tests and studies on products in development. I talk to design engineers who have spent 6 months to a year developing a product. And they come see me with their prototype. I discuss with them their concerns and what they think are the weakest parts of their design. They leave and I place the unit into a chamber that will freeze the unit to -60ºC and then bake the unit to 70ºC and then after the unit has been frozen and baked I start vibrational stresses. I step the unit through random 3 axis vibration from 5gs to 60gs.

Needless to say when I am done I have destroyed this engineer's work in about 5 days. I have put the unit through hell that is way out of spec and something that will not ever be seen in real life. But I can tell the engineer what the weakest part of his design is and what the likely hood of his unit failing in the field.

Some hate me; some see the value add to the process. I have done this for 13 years and I would like a change.

I do not think many would give me a job in their group. My documented skill set is very narrow. So when a position opens up, I am seen as the guy with the hammer and they are looking for the guy with the ability to negotiate and influence.

What does smoking have to do with all of this??

I am getting to that.

In the smoking area I get to meet many people from many different business groups. Also many of them are from different levels of management. I am known to be the one to ask about viruses and spyware and hardware problems. I speak geek and I can speak geek to the non-geek.

I helped this director once, who was at a site that hosed his computer really bad. I walked him through some things and then he ended up just bringing his computer to my lab and I fixed it in like 2 hours. It was no big deal and I told him how it happened and how to avoid many attacks.

I quit smoking like a year ago. And I guess he had a laptop that someone had given his kid and the unit began cratering. He looked for me out there for like 3 months and when I did not show he thought I was rif'd. He asked about me the other day and someone told I had quit smoking and I was still in the lab. He came by as asked if I could fix this laptop. I said yeah sure no problem. When he brought it by he told me how he thought I was gone. I mentioned that I was finishing my BSM and would be out of the lab soon he asked if I was interviewing yet I said no.

Dave said that after the laptop is fixed he would take me to lunch for payment.

Knowing where this was going I said sure.

We meet at this restaurant and sat on the patio so he can smoke.

We are flirting with the position thing because if this was a real interview I would have to tell my supervisor. There would have to be a REQ already opened, bla bla bla.

So we are blah blah blahing about school, grades, subjects, hobbies, and I see this guy walking in the parking lot by my car. He stops at the tailgate and turns towards my truck. He walks up to the door pulls out a screwdriver and hammer jams the lock into the door.

Honest to God I am watching my car get broken into 30 feet away. How fucking bold are the thieves today?

I tell Dave to call the police. He asks why and I point to the guy now leaning into my car going through the glove box. I get up and hop the railing on the patio. I run smoothly over to my car and the thief is still head down, leaning in. [Edit: I fucking told you. The fuckers are all to get me]

Bloody boogers A Sermon

Friends today I shall go easy on you as I was asked to marry someone last night and well the services, reception and appreciation went well into the night.
I was standing at the urinal at work the other day and there were boogers on the wall by the urinal.
Why were there boogers on the wall?
They were bloody boogers at that. Someone should see their ENT and right away.
What sick, twisted, territory marking practice, are these fuckers up to? Does this mean that this urinal is their’s.
Do they like the smell of THAT urinal cake and do not want anybody to prevent them from inhaling the sticky sweet and tangy smell of lilac, strawberries and urine?
Do they suffer from autism or OCD that they can not piss at any other urinal? Is the whole bathroom theirs??
Are these the same long haired pony tail mother fuckers that can not make coffee?
Are they trying to tell me thanks for the coffee here is a gift. like cats brig in the occasional dead bird or rat?
Am I trespassing? Is one of those fuckers going to try to rough me up in here??
Bring it bitch! I will let taste some of god's righteous power like i did when i was in school and the O Line thought they would tell me to get a "normal" hair cut. Yeah that must have fucking hurt and surprised the fuck out of them. This one lone punker who has no friends went ape shit on their house. They found themselves falling into toilets and steel toes lifting their nut sacks. Man that was fucking great. That tackle faggot found that a forearm on the throat is pretty effective.
Yeah so you IT guys want to fucking tell me that I "a lab rat" can't use the bathroom, Then you had better hope I am sleeping when you come knocking at my fucking door bitch.

Num 22:36

When Balak heard that Balaam was coming, he went out to meet him at a city of Moab which was on the border of the Arnon at the boundary of his territory.

Psa 37:6

He will vindicate you in broad daylight, and publicly defend your just cause.

Psa 72:4

He will defend the oppressed among the people; he will deliver the children of the poor and crush the oppressor.

If I leave a snotty booger in a room does that make the room mine?
Should I go home and smear snot on my wife and kid?
Blow my nose on my car and couch? What does it mean when I shit on my neighbors yard. (He pissed me off two years ago and every six months I take a dump in his yard.)
Are the boogers, tags declaring I have been here? Hey John Sleesatxx took a piss here.
You all should feel honored that your penis has been in the same general vicinity as mine and that you are pissing into the same ceramic wall decoration that I have peed into.
That you are touching the same handle that I touched right after touching my magnificent penis, my glorious miracle granting penis. My external pee spout blessed by God himself and the giver of joy to so many women and whose urine could quite possibly be the holiest urine.
Can urine be holy?

1Ki 6:18

The inside of the temple was all cedar and was adorned with carvings of round ornaments and of flowers in bloom. Everything was cedar; no stones were visible.

1Ki 6:35

He carved cherubs, palm trees, and flowers in bloom and plated them with gold, leveled out over the carvings.

1Ki 7:31

Inside the stand was a round opening that was a foot-and-a-half deep; it had a support that was two and one-quarter feet long. On the edge of the opening were carvings in square frames.

Eze 8:8

He said to me, “Son of man, dig into the wall.” So I dug into the wall and discovered a doorway.

When I was a lost soul I would ride the public transit system and defile the backs of seats with a magic marker. I and my co-conspirators battled for battled for space with RPMS, Regan Kids, VATO, Cholo, Mr. Vela and ACDC. The closer to the drive you got the bolder the move and the greater the badge of honor. Now if one would mark the window behind the driver it was obvious that one had broken into the bus yard and vandalized the bus. This would not count.
We would cause pools to be emptied and then during the day while the owners were working we would go into the backyard and skate the pool. Some of the others would decorate the bottom of the pool for free.
We would write our bands names on the walls in the bathroom over the names of other bands in the Mabuhay Gardens. These would be free advertisement for the band flavor of the month. The bands that stayed up the longest received the record deals while the rest reshuffled and reformed new versions of the same shit until the heroin habits became too grand and they all began to fall by the road side to success. Rest In Peace you stupid losers and drug addicts. The weak and soulless fucktards of my past, I told you all you were on the wrong fucking train and now you are full of fucking worms and bugs and dirt. Now you are all sucking the sweet sulfur smell of hell. You all had the opportunity to reach out but chose to reach back instead. Fuck you all for leaving me here alone.
These were terrible times and awful actions perpetrated by me and my friends, but they are the best parts of me and they are what makes me the one with the conviction (misdemeanors only) to be the one that leads you all to the righteous path.

Psa 18:8

Smoke ascended from his nose; fire devoured as it came from his mouth; he hurled down fiery coals from the deep flared nostrils.

Gen 7:22

Everything on dry land that had the breath of life in its nostrils died

Eze 37:9

He said to me, “Prophesy to the breath, – prophesy, son of man – and say to the breath: ‘This is what the sovereign Lord says: Come from the four winds, O’ breath, and breathe on these corpses so that they may live.’”

I have been pulled over for picking and flicking. I was driving down the freeway and I see this lady speeding on my left and not far back is a trooper pacing her speed.
As she passed my I reached out and started waving my hand she saw it slowed down some and went on.
The trooper pulled me over.
He told me that he could arrest me for inference with a police investigation.
"What investigation?" I ask.
He said "I was pacing that yellow car for speeding."
I asked "What car?"
He said "The car that you waved at."
Oh no officer I was not waving at any car i was trying to flick a sticky booger off my finger. He laughed handed me back my license and said that I had better be careful in the future.

Working Out and HR

So I am working out last night and here is the thing. During the day I do reliability testing that means I break shit expensive shit. You do not know how reliable something is until you force a failure and study the failure.
I am 235 and 42 years old.
I'm on the elliptical and I do not believe in doing things half ass.
I have the iPOD cranking out the tunes and I am on my second resistance 8 cycles
The guy next to me was just sort of moving at a slow pace. I on the other hand do not believe that
My pace should drop below 160 strides per minute. Ever!
Well he must have looked over and saw my HR at 185 cause he left and shortly an attendant came over to get my attention.
I slowed and asked hats up?
She said that she was concerned about my pace and my health.
I told that the pace she is concerned about is broken because she was interrupting me.
I told to get on the machine next to me and watch something.
She did and I cranked Ace of spades back to the beginning of the track and started my pace.
I grabbed the HR monitor and the machine calculated 174 I looked at her and she shook her head.
I winked and blew some sweat from my eye lid and began to concentrate on the HR monitor and the number began to drop
I got the number to hover at 160 and I pointed at my pace (168) which never slowed.
Then I blew on my eye again and concentrated and the monitored dropped to 157 and stayed there until the resistance dropped to 2.
My pace picked back up to 210 and my HR jumped to 163 and hovered I looked at the fresh young attendant and smiled she left and the guy.
Got back on the machine next to me.
I looked at him he looked at me we made eye contact and I mouthed "PUSSY" to him as ACDC Thunder struck started.
Black Flag White minority kicked in at the time Resistance changed to 8 and I went into full bore 174 strides and my heart jumped to 170.
I began deep breathing and concentration and the heart slowed and my pace stayed I caught the fucker looking again and I said under my breath that he should no breed because he is too stupid to pass any genes along. He said what and I laughed and leaned forward.
3 miles in 35 minutes. Not bad for an old fucking fart like me???
I am trying to find a way to post my play list from my iPOD.

2007 VMA Review

Britney spears looked thick uncomfortable and I think she has let al the trash talk get to her.
She looked like she was not prepared to be onstage inform of all the shit heads
The Sarah Silverman pulls out the jokes and hammers her. Sarah is lucky that Britney did not pull out the trailer park
"You sleep with my babies daddy" bitch slap back stage.
Then Sarah told the off jokes about color. I thought the shots of the hip hop and rap stars were priceless

Should we laugh or should we scream foul and pull out our aks and pop a cap in her white bread Jewish ass.

The dj that introduced linkin park was waving his arm and telling me to bounce but all I could do was watch the flab under his arm flap. I thought these bastards had nothing better to do that work and look good and here was this bone head with flabby arms telling me to bounce. WTF

Justin Timberlake challenged MTV to play more videos. I thought about this. I knew they had stopped playing videos and I wondered why and then I realized it was hard to sell space based on videos. Each one is 5 minutes so in an hour you have shifted genres 3 times how can a fat swollen baby boomer marketing guy pick out times to run their ads. Sure in another ten years when the MTV generation is in marketing and C level positions then they can sell space.

They have a quadruple threat category which was a cheat. Singer/dancer actor clothesline counted as four areas of involvement. Any solo act dances it is part of the singing part. This was a cheat.

Los payasos comieron a mi esposa y los demonios comieron a mi hijo.

Pro 30:33

For as the churning of milk produces butter and as punching the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife.

Do not honk at me. I can not stand it when some poor sumbitch is in such a hurry that if my car is not moving forward the nanosecond the light thought about turning green he honks his horn at me. Are you in a hurry? Where are you in such a hurry to be? To do what, golf? To have coffee with the rest of the neighborhood hens, getting the kids to soccer, baseball, to go home and fuck the gardener or baby sitter. Seriously what is so important that you do not even have a siren?
Nothing pisses me off more than honking at me. Now that is the quickest was to ruin my day. It will piss me off to the point that my anger becomes a literal high. I get a buzz from the stress level. There are those that get off on pain, there are those that get off on causing pain and then there is me, I get drunk on anger. My head begins to swell and get light and my vision gets sort of fuzzy at the edges.
So there I was on a Wednesday morning going to work for the bastards that well never mind. I am at the light. The light turns green I look to be sure that some other fucker is not running late and then this bitch honks her horn.
Seriously, green light, 1 second, horn, 2second just like that. I hit my break I slam into park and I pop my hood. She is too close to go around and she waves her hands at me I smile and shrug and point at the hood. I go over and lift the hood and bend in like I am looking at something I wiggle a pretend wire and then I go around to the door and I open the door and she honks again I look at her and I yell, “My car is too old to be scared, so stop honking”. And I see her mouth “mother fucker” as the light turns red again. I pop the trunk and I get out a golf club. And beat on the car with one of my golf clubs. I do not play golf but I do own golf clubs. I see her lift her cell phone to her ear. I charge to the driver side and punch the window. Now I know that some of you all know that punch. I reached into the car and grabbed the cell and said, “No calls right now we have an appointment.”
I looked around to see if anybody else was looking or starting to use their cells and the car next to me was so I leaned in and smashed my head through the window and grabbed the cell from the little teenage girl telling her, “It is OK, I am speaking for God himself.” and that she need not call anybody because I am the most important person right now.
Across the intersection there was another cell going into use.
OK I have got a good 5 maybe 7 minutes.
I ripped off my shirt to the morning sun and jumped on the hood of the bitch’s Lexus sux2bu suburban assault vehicle and I proclaimed.
You all need to slow the fuck down!

Prov 25:16
When you find honey, eat only what is sufficient for you, lest you become stuffed with it and vomit it up.

The proverb means that anything overindulged in can become sickening. The lord teaches you through the verse that moderation is wise in the pleasures of life. And he fucking means it, slow down, your race to the end times is at an insane pace.

"Do not honk at me. Los payasos comieron a mi esposa y los demonios comieron a mi hijo"

Luke 4:9:13

Then the devil brought him (Jesus) to Jerusalem, had him stand on the highest point of the temple, and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down from here, for it is written, ‘He will command his angels concerning you, to protect you,’ and ‘with their hands they will lift you up, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’” Jesus answered him, “It is said, ‘You are not to put the Lord your God to the test.’” So when the devil had completed every temptation, he departed from him until a more opportune time.

Now you see there slow down stop trying to test God and the Lord by being in such a fucking hurry that you have to honk at me. You will get the end times soon enough.

Rev 14:11

And the smoke from their torture will go up forever and ever, and those who worship the beast and his image will have no rest day or night, along with anyone who receives the mark of his name.”

Deu 23:8

Children of the lord may enter the assembly of the Lord.

Some of you should have your kids give up soccer. Face it your kid is too fat to play they are probably doing more damage then good and they are happier sitting around in the AC playing video games.

Isa 35:10

those whom the Lord has ransomed will return that way. They will enter Zion with a happy shout. Unending joy will crown them, happiness and joy will overwhelm them; grief and suffering will disappear.

Be happy, enjoy life, slow down, but above all stop with the blowing of the horns. Do not torture yourself to the point that you are invading in my space and my world.

Mat 6:16
“When you fast, do not look sullen like the hypocrites, for they make their faces unattractive so that people will see them fasting. I tell you the truth, they have their reward.

The lord wants us happy.

Isa 51:3

Certainly the Lord will console Zion; he will console all her ruins. He will make her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the Garden of the Lord. Happiness and joy will be restored to her, thanksgiving and the sound of music.

Est 8:17

Throughout every province and throughout every city where the king’s edict and his law arrived, the Jews experienced happiness and joy, banquets and holidays. Many of the resident peoples pretended to be Jews, because the fear of the Jews had overcome them.

Stop killing yourselves to get there. Either leave earlier or accept the fact you are late but if you all honk at me I will exercise my God given power and talent. Because God has ordained me and he has infused his power and will within me. He granted me the rights to beat you or kill you as I see fit.

Luk 12:5

But I will warn you whom you should fear: Fear the one who, after the killing, has authority to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him!

At this point I heard sirens approaching and I knew that my sermon must end. I jumped down closed my hood, and roared off in a cloud of noxious blue smoke.
My friends I am here to tell you to slow down. Pace yourself, you have a long happy full life ahead of you. If you are traveling at light speed and hit a wall it will not hurt, it will kill you. If you need to be somewhere that requires the guy in front of you to be psychic and know when the light is changing then you need a siren or you need to slow the fuck down.
I know that contract prevents me from delivering sermons to other than the congregation but I do not think that was so much a sermon as counseling and anger management.
And if you all want to get pissy I believe that my attorney will prove in court that I was sun worshiping and talking to myself.
I will remind everyone that my door is always open and I enjoy nothing more than counseling and discussing current events.
Baptismal beatings are now an all day event on Thursdays. Christenings are still Sunday afternoons and no I do not beat up babies.
I was asked that by a new couple that recently joined. And I explained to them that babies are innocent and only become corrupt after being left I the care of grownups. The beatings are to help those that make the wrong decisions on purpose. The beatings are part of the learning process.
Cookies and coffee are sponsored by the Silver Sword and Purple Shield. Please stay long enough to meet two new people and remember to slow down.