By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
It was my birthday the other day and I wanted to have a huge bar-b-que party to celebrate. I invited just about every one of my neighbors and some friends over to have bar-b-que.
I was cooking, I like to cook, and I have the griller grilling chicken and other stuff and the BBQ pit cooking pork and beef. I had the turkey fryer boiling mudbugs and vegetables. I even had a huge pot of rice and sausage jambalaya cooking.
I had been brewing beer for 6 months for this occasion. I wanted this to be a huge blow out.
Just about everyone was there and we where all having fun. We set up the stereo and we all took turns playing songs from our iPODs (not a plug).
Wendy played selections from Motorhead [Killed By Death], Girls School [it Turns Your Head Around], and The Runaways [Cherry Bomb],
Lemmy returned the favor by playing a track from her WOW album [Legends Never Die] and a couple tracks from the damned [So Messed Up] [Born to Kill]. Lemmy was not paying attention and his iPOD (not an endorsement) started "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley. We all booed and laughed, Kidd screamed I've been Rick rolled at a preachers house.
I do not know what the hell triggered this, maybe we were all having too much fun, or there was too much laughter, or just the fact Prince felt a disturbance in the force, but he just jumped up and started on a rant. He was screaming about beef and the terror that the cows are faced with knowing they are heading to their demise. That at the end of this metal and wood hallway is a guy with a pneumatic gun to displace brain matter.
“I do not think the cows are thinking quite that Prince.”
And he just keeps going on and argues and yells he starts talking about "the indecency of it all" and "the mistreatment" and "the raising of cattle to kill and eat! How barbaric"
blah blah blah “holy crap someone take the beer away.!”
Hammer stands up and says, “No I will tell what indecent is, it is you opening for The Stones in briefs, boots, and a coat. What the hell was that all about? Now, I will tell you, that is indecent! Can I get a witness??
“Halleluiah!” I hollered and high fived Pam, who was sucking the keg.
McHammer continued, "Dude there are some things we all do not want to see and your package is one."
Prince fired back at the Hammer-man, “Yeah ok I think I still have cornea scares from “Pumps and a Bump” on youtube bitch!
“Ouch!” I cried and I had tears in my eyes form laughing.
We laughed while he just went off. Jumping up and down, ranting and raving, about the injustice and indignity, the failures of our organs from processing meat instead of vegetables. This little guy standing on chairs and hollering was very comical.
He was screaming about the unfairness and there was more laughter when Kidd said “Hey John tell us about the word fair.”
I put the fork and tongs down in the sauce, "Fair is a four letter word starting with an F. This word is nothing more that a secret phrase uttered to say I lost and I want to blame it on someone else. Fair is what is said by those that do not practice and want to compete but can not because they feel they should not have to practice. Fair is a word for pussies and losers. Can I get a witness?” “Damn Skippy reverend!” Thank you. Fair is the handcuffing and handicapping to make all the little kids feel good and think that there is no such thing as losers.”
Wendy jumps out of her chair dropping one of her bottles of beer. Damn Skippy John, damn Skippy.”
Dusty screams for the loss of the beer. “Oh no you didn't, oh no you did not just spill beer! And then Dusty falls back into a drunken coma.”
We all laugh at Jeff and ignore Prince.
He gets more agitated and angry. He looks to Mc Hammer for something. Hammer checked his watch in an attempt at ignoring him and then "Yeah pastor do you have any more ribs?"
“Ahhh what the hell is wrong with you all.” “Eating meat is bad. Killing is bad. You are all going to hell.”
"That is enough Sheky!" I slap down the tools of a cook, mop sauce splashes out of the pail and the fork twangs on the table.
"You have been invited to enjoy food and drink at my house."
“And all you have been asked to be is personable, charming, and human in return."
“But” he stammers
“But nothing bitch! I have made tofu dogs, veggie burgers, soy by-product imitation ribs.
MC Hammer spits out his food.
“No Hammer yours is real pork I went running last night.”
“But I can not keep quite with the smell of meat and death in the air.”
“Suck it up bitch, meat is meant to be eaten. We have sharp teeth for a reason and that is because we are to eat meat. Now eat the fucking fake meat and shut up!”
Just then, Lemmy, who is a mountain of a man, if there ever was one, came out of the house.
"Hey do not go in the bathroom for a while..." And then before any of us could say ‘stop’ there was a little crunch and a pop sound, Lemmy froze.
Lee Ving says while laughing hysterically "Hey Lemmy you stepped on Prince and I think you broke him."
Lemmy lifts his foot like one would do if they stepped in something of the fecal group.
“Ah man.” He said, “Now the shoes are ruined. Damn it!”
I chimed in “Do not go back onto my carpet with those shoes on. There is a hose on the side of the house by the drive way.”
I tell my son, "Go help Lemmy clean the artist formally known as Prince off his shoe.”
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