By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Lars Ulrich from Metallica wants to get access to my house. He and the Scientologist lawyers expect full access anytime, anywhere to be sure that my house is not a copy of Lars Ulrich's.
The neighborhood was two developers with 3 models each and each model had three elevations and Lars Ulrich seems to think that just because I have a house that I have a copy of his house and he wants to be sure that I some how do not enjoy home ownership as much as him. Like he some how invented home ownership. The whiny bitch.
So here they are at my door demanding entrance and waving reams of paper saying things like due ownership and proper channel purchasing with accountability and proper book keeping.
I know nothing of this I know that the lord speaks to me from time to time and today he is yelling at me to beat this pussy musician into the ground.
God said that I should beat the weapons of Satan down and the lawyers are the worst tools of Satan as they have perverted the common laws of man into the yokes and bridles of all mankind.
The lord says that this bastard fucks kittens and goats and thinks that he can sue the right hand of god with impudence.
All of a sudden I was overwhelmed by the presence of the Holy Spirit and the good lord spoke in my ear and my heart and he said "set this mother fucker lawyer on fire."
I pulled out a book of matches and began to flick lighted matches at the fat fuck with the papers and he cried and whipped out his cell phone like it was a six shooter and began to babble lawyer tongues into the phone.
Then next thing to happen was both strange and funny, the lawyer on the phone, squinted his face and you heard swappp wapp wapp like that of thin lumber slapping and then there was the stench of poo.
Lars Ulrich looked at his lawyers and they all had shit their pants. The good lord hand touched them all. AH HA!
They, the lawyers, left real fast and there was Lars Ulrich just standing there with his entourage of homosexual groupies (not that there is anything wrong with that) and bi-sexual (not that there is anything wrong with that) roadies, demanding still to be let into my house. I thought they were going to charge when Joe strummer pulled up in his Escalade with 30" spinner rims. Affixed to the purple paint job was the magnetic "neighborhood watch" sign with the stupid eye ball logo.
"What seems to be the trouble here preacher" Joe said as he stepped out of his car.
Well Joe these guys....
"We have every right to ensure that our property is not copied", Lars Ulrich interrupted, "And to be sure, we think that we are due compensation for each and every copy."
“Well”, Joe started, “that would be right if your house looked like the good preacher's and also if you were sure that copies were being made of copies because don't copies have to be made from originals at some point?"
Lars Ulrich started to talk, but Joe cut him off, “You do not even live here and you do not even know if John here likes your tastes in furniture, because looking at your entourage I can tell you that John does not care to have Homosexuals and Bisexuals on his front yard, (not that there is anything wrong with that), let alone tracking cooties and poser heavy metal vibes through out his house.”
“Why don't you just take your pussy, fan hating, fat ass, on out of here before I start to beat you down. Because when the preacher beats you he is saving your soul, but when I beat you, well you are just getting beat. Now git!”
Lars Ulrich and the 12 man posse walked back to their cars and drove off.
Wendy went back into the house disappointed.
Henry came out and asked “Hey man what is going on?”
“Henry you are always late and a dollar short.”
“No need to pick on my height Joe, you are not much taller than me.”
“Yeah uh ok Henry whateva.” Joe said making the ‘What ever’ hand sign.
“John you just give me a call anytime that piece of flaming metal poser shows up ok?”
“Yeah Joe no problem thanks for the help.”
Joe jumped into the escalade and Henry began preaching about the environment and carbon emissions and foreign oil dependence when Joe’s escalade roared to life and lurched forward towards Henry’s yard and stopped short of the curb.
Henry held up a hand like he could part the sea or something and then Joe goosed it a second time the car jumped the curb Henry screamed and ran away.
Joe gunned the monstrous engine and the back wheels began to chew up yard exposing the brown dirt under the manicured lawn.
Joe cut the wheel to the right and back wheels began to break loose and slid as well as cut into the grass.
Joe was able to cut 2 360º circles into Henry’s lawn before pulling off of the drive way.
Henry just dropped to his knees and cried, weeping like a girl about the damage done to the earth worm habitat and the cinch bugs environment and bla bla bla.
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