In my neighborhood #21

In my neighborhood #21
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx

I finished the mow and I was going to run some weed and feed on the freshly cut grass and I realized I was out.
So I hopped into the car and headed up to the store. I decided that I just did not want to see Sid and Nancy so I decided to go out the side entrance.
On my way out I pass by Madonna's house. She lives next door to Lee Ving and Poison. She was out in her front yard tending to her yard too. This was truly a sight.
She was actually not doing her work but she had some others doing the work.
She was in that "funnel on her boobies" outfit standing on two professional ball players who were eating the boxwood into a perfect oval, while five more chewed her grass with their teeth. Multi-million dollar players chewing grass and bushes like goats. Holy crap!
The ball players were wearing just their cup and supporters and on their hands and knees chewing the grass.
Madonna was standing there leashes in one hand riding crop under one arm and a glass of ice tea in the other, and the ball players chewing away. Her kids, the blood and the adopted, were playing in the yard with their plastic trucks and action figures.
It was like some weird surrealistic nightmare. Like a Rockwell painting strung out on acid and heroin and two days into a paranoid psychotic episode, not that I would know.
I had to stop and say something, but what do you say to a queen? I mean really? It was wrong what she was doing to the neighborhood and the to these warriors of the field.
We made eye contact and she lifted the glass of tea in my direction like a toast. I nodded and slowed. Shit I have to stop and say something I am the president after all and she saw me and knows that I saw her.
I stop and I get out. Madonna halts the two ball players she is riding and steps down.
What can I do for you father?
I am not a father, that is Catholic just call me pastor or reverend please.
Ok what can I do for you reverend?
well I do appreciate the fervor in which you take care of your yard and I think that the enthusiasm should be shared by more in the neighborhood, but I think the jock strapped ball players is a bit over the top.
Yeah?
Yeah come on truly you could have had them wear the respective uniforms.
No, I can't, as the majority league ball club owns everything about baseball and to have them in my yard in their league uniforms would bring the MLBC down on the neighborhood faster than a costume change. And besides I think the look good this way. I mean after millions of years women have been objectified and demoralized and pornified. It is only fitting that men get their fair share of being treated like an object or as utensils.
I am not going to get into a girly rights issue with you Madonna. Just put some clothes on your grass munchers and think about the neighborhood instead of yourself. We are a community and in a community we have to act in the best interest of all instead of just the one. You know that Rob Zombie has bought a house and I think they he may have chosen not to if he had witnessed this spectacle.
Yes you are right pastor. Boys up. Up!
And the ball players snapped up into a formal line. She grabbed the riding crop and pointed to the house and the men turned but waited. She sighed and her shoulders slumped a bit and she swatted the lead ball player on the ass with the crop and he hopped into the house and so it went for the remaining six players a swat on the ass and they trotted into the house.
It was time to do the back yard anyways. And I know that there is nothing you can do about the backyard.
Yes you are right about that for now. But once I get the lesbian parties at Brit and Pink’s house taken care of the HOA will be in a better position to protect the neighborhood.
I hope not, I really enjoy bunko on Fridays.
Yes I know, I see you, and I hear you over there now and again.
And we see your eye at the knot hole.
I have to witness to testify and report.
Yes, yes I know.
Well I have to go to the store. Do you need anything Madonna?
Yes can you get me two dozen sticks of butter and some dish gloves?
Sure anything else?
Maybe pick me up some Luzianne tea also.
No problem, see you on the way back.
Yeah ok. Hey kids lets go into the house it is time for mommy to work on the back yard.
I went to the store.
You know she is not all that bad, I wish more of the neighbors were like her.