In My Neighborhood I Have Henry Rollins As A Neighbor

In my neighborhood I have Henry Rollins as a neighbor on my right. Not this pussy Rollins or this dweeby Rollins , but this angry, aggressive peace preaching Rollins (hey it’s my story).
On Saturday I was out doing yard work when a truck pulled up in front of Mr. Rollins’ house (I may be his neighbor but I still would not want to piss this Rollins off). Mr. Rollins’ has a bird bath and this is not allowed by the HOA . Well apparently the HOA thought they could remove Mr. Rollins birdbath. Mr. Rollins came out as the labor whores began to dismantle the birdbath. Mr. Rollins was pissed off! He began to yell and scream and pace. There is nothing scary that this Rollins pacing. Just as the labor whores were about to get into the truck, Mr. Ving , a board member, drove up and jumped out of his car waving the deed restrictions saying he was allowed to remove the birdbath and that it was duty to remove the birdbath as it was his charter by the HOA to protect the home values of the neighborhood.
Mr. Rollins laughed and said that even a snot nosed high school student knows economics and will tell anyone that the value of something is what someone will pay not the packaging. The value is what the consumer perceives the product to be.
“That’s right,” yelled the neighbor on my left. “Henry here has been putting out shitty music for decades and the kids still keep buying it.”
“Shut up Kid” replies Mr. Rollins “Go back into your house and watch TV with your wife. You know the Tommy Lee leftover, Pam.”
Mr. Rock gives them both the finger and starts his lawn mower.
Mr. Rollins shoots the bird back at Kid Rock and turns his attention to Mr. Ving. But Mr. Ving is starting to call the police (not the police ). Mr. Rollins looks across the street and smiles. I look to see what makes this angry, aggressive, peace preaching, psychopath smile. It is Wendy Williams , she is in the garage with a sledge hammer doing what she does with the sledge hammer watching the whole spectacle. Mr. Rollins strides to Miss Williams’ garage and speaks with her, some hand gestures and head nods and Mr. Rollins walks to the back of her garage and opens a cupboard. As he turns around he is holding Miss Williams’ chain saw. With one deft tug the saw roared to life and Mr. Rollins begins a purposeful stride back across the street. Mr. Ving sort of smiles and looks dumb founded, but the labor whores are visibly frightened and begin to look for an escape route. Mr. Rollins crosses the street in four strides. Raises the chain saw up and brings it down on Mr. Ving’s car. Sparks are flying, whores are running, and that bald headed tutu wearing freak at Miss Williams’ house comes out to watch. The saw cuts through the roof like butter and as Mr. Rollins brings the saw down again Miss Williams charges the out of the garage and crosses the street in all of her taped glory .
She raises the sledge hammer and brings it down on the bird bath. She swings back around in a Venus Williams kind of back hand and levels the bath in two swings.
Mr. Rollins stops, Mr. Rock is laughing hysterically, and Mr. Ving closes his cell phone.
“What in the living hell was that for?” Yells Mr. Rollins.
“The fucking thing has pissed me off for a year.” Miss Williams says between panting breaths. “The birds bathing? C’mon Henry you were starting to look like a pussy.”
“Starting to?” Mr. Rock laughs.
“Hey Kid what does my dick taste like when you kiss Pam?”
“You want to come over for dinner? Pam is making meatloaf?”
“Yeah I’ll bring some wine.”
“Listen Henry don’t put another one back up without getting Architectural Review approval. OK?”
“ Yeah Yeah”
So that was my weekend how was yours??


Anonymous said...

what happened? is that what life in the USA? it sounded like you were watching your neighbours whilst you were on crack..
hmm, entertaining nonetheless =)
thanks for joining the myspace writers group

cwtstraydog [&trade] said...

Stuck inside your head and thinking ends up in trouble every now and again

Malflic said...

Anything with Henry in it absolutely great. But the picture of Wendy O ...WTF she looked relatively sane. lol