FW: Enter to win the Dr Pepper Million Dollar Tuition Giveaway

From: Dr Pepper <DrPepper@drpepper.com>
Sent: Tuesday, September 21, 2010 7:30 PM
To: sleestaxx@yahoo.com
Subject: Enter to win the Dr Pepper Million Dollar Tuition Giveaway

To view the web version, click here.

[The entire original message is not included]

Elbow Snakes and Lawn Gnomes

It was in the middle of the night and I woke drenched in sweat. I had another one of those dreams were the zombies are after me and they all look like old dead friends.

My best girl did not stir so I must not have been screaming this time.

I lifted my feet over the edge of the bed to get up and fuck me if the room was not filled with water. Not spring water either but black brackish swamp water. The smell of rotting dead vegetation was tremendous.

I turned to wake my lover, but now I see she why she was not stirring because she was dead, her cold eyes staring at the ceiling like so many other nights making love.

I lifted my hand to my mouth and there I saw it, a freaking snake or something and it was at least three feet long and growing from my elbow. I leaped from the bed making a huge splash. I ran like a clown in the water to the bathroom.

I flicked the light switch. Sparks flew from the switch plate, but in that quick instant in the flash of orange light I saw the snake writher and turn to face me. I saw it’s eyes and TEETH the freaking goddamn snake had teeth and huge sharp gnarly fangs.

In a panic I turned to hide my face from that hideous sight on my elbow and slipped on the half floating bathroom rug. As I went under water I saw that freaking gnome from my neighbor’s yard.

What the hell is it doing here? I thought.

He turned and smiled at me. Yeah the lawn gnome smiled, AT me.

Holy Jesus this is too weird. I thought.

And then I really woke up covered in blood and my girlfriend yelling my name.

I looked around at the blood and then I found I had picked this wart off my finger.

Extreme road crossing

Extreme road crossing

“Why should I let you hang with us?” asked Joe taking a drag on his cigarette.
Steven swallowed hard, “I can run fast and jump high and I know where the sweet grass is”. This did not make Steven special because all jackrabbits can do and know these things.
“Big deal Stevie.” Joe said and flicked the burning butt into Steven’s fury chest.
“Tell you what,” Joe said, “cross that highway when a car is coming and if that car gets close to you, I will let you into out gang.”
That is how extreme road crossing became a sport.

A letter to my son

Your teacher asked your parents to write a letter talking about lessons shown you or attempted to be taught to you.
I know I can be an old man at times, and sound like a know it all. But I am old and I do know an few things.
I want to keep it brief and un-mushy as I know you are reading this in a class room.

• Men do cry, but not in front of anybody. Women say they want a sensitive man but when the bill is due they want strength of character and conviction and one can not be a protector blubbering.
• Do not go to bed angry. You can not sleep and rest, with anger in you. If you must, put it aside when you go to bed, but pick it back up when you get up and go to war.
• Do not go to bed with dishes in the sink. This has a hidden meaning and one day you will get it. Hey you should learn a few things on your own.
• If you like her you will lift it, if you love her you will put it back down.
• Do any job, ANY job, as if you will see it from your own house. It is not worth doing if you can not do it right. Plain and simple.
• The world of fairies and unicorns has been paved over by Wal-Mart. The business world has changed. But in end, at the end of your days, you will be left to answer to yourself. So whatever you do, make sure it is right with yourself. Because it is you, that you have to answer to and if you can’t look at yourself, neither can anyone else. Always be a leader to yourself and those around you will follow and do the same.
• Do not put off till tomorrow what you can do today. You can find yourself short on time and resources because too many yesterdays have caught up with you.
• Most importantly panic kills. Stay calm and keep a clear head. The answer is always right there, you just have to see it.
• GTE wireless is now Verizon wireless.
• Listen to your mother.
• Don't eat yellow snow.
• Home is where you and your family are. Not the building holding your stuff.
• You are never ever alone

These simple lessons have given me the most comfort and the most grief. But if you master them as well as you have filled me with pride you will do fine in life.