A couple games last night

You know when I umpire I looked like an asshole. I do not mean to look like an asshole. But there you go I am an asshole on the field that is just because if look like the nice guy I am the coaches all get outta hand real quick.
In my plate meeting I finish with;
"If there is a play on the field and you want to talk about the play, let the play finish wait for the call, ask for time, wait for time to be granted, approach the official that made the call and we can have a positive discussion. I expect sportsmanship from both sides. Any questions"
We started with some jokes about some other umpires being bad and that they maybe friends of mine and I said since I becomes an umpire I have no friends. Do not feel bad for me though this is good. I save allot of money on alcohol and food when I have people over for a party.
I told them I was alone on the field and that I would be making all the calls tonight. They said that was ok.
I said well because we all have no choice in the matter (I am an asshole).
Game is good second batter up makes a close double into a close triple causing me to run the field.
I look good I am in position at all times.
Boy tryst to steal second, good idea with on umpire, the catcher gets the ball there first and the runner slides into the tag. The glove with the ball is under the knees of the runner.
I call "show me the ball" the short stop pulls the glove out and the ball flees outta his mitt. "Safe"
The usual chirping about the balls and strikes actually the balls the strikes were quite.
At the bottom of the 4th the batter chips the ball into the ground in front of the plate.
It is now like a bunt and barely rolls up the third base side with a loose runner on third.
The ball spins on the line -ON THE LINE- a 2 and half inch ball is spinning like a top on a 2 inch line. Catcher and pitcher hover. Ball stops and they look at me. My right arm shoots out pitcher picks the ball up looks back and throws to the base but the batter is on base by 3 steps. Runner on third comes in on the throw to first and scores.
Coach calls time.
I expect a talk about the line.
He says "the ball came off the batters toe when he was in the box"
"No it did not"
"Uh YES it did" like duh big red truck tone.
"No it did not"
"Yes it did"
"No coach the call is mine not yours the ball did not touch the batter"
"Yes it did"
"I did not see contact therefore contact did not occur"
"Yes it did”
"You know what this conversation is over"
"You said we would have a positive conversation"
"And the conversation was positive until you said I was wrong"
"I never raised my voice"
"Neither have I yet"
"Now again this conversation is over and this is your warning."
"My warning there was contact and ..."
"Now coach I have stated that this conversation is over AND I have given you your warning
This is your second and last."
He walks away and mutters.
What should have occurred was "coach what the hell you want me to do? Appeal? Come on I 1 umpire doing 1 man mechanics and you want to try and bust my balls on a bullshit call like that fuck you! And tell that loud mouth fucking mom to shut the hell up. She can not see the fucking plate from there so can not tell little Donny that the pitch was a strike. Fuck off and here let me help you to the dugout with a swift kick to the ass."

I remember a time when I liked the game of baseball
The smell of wet grass, the throwing the ball with my son, the "anything can happen" feeling, the thought of how happy and proud my son is when he completes a well played game. Man the great life lessons he is learning.
I was probably the only parent that rooted for the team until the umpire called ball game.
I remember coaching and I remember the umpires and I never argued with the umpires. I knew they were not there to get me but to get the game right. Today coaches watch the sports highlights and think that the umpires are there to abuse. The kids learn that the umpires are blind, stupid, they suck and they are worthless. They could not make a call to save their lives, and the team must not only beat the other team but they must beat the umpires too.
Man these fucking parents and coaches are way the fuck outta control.
The second game was good until a coach asked for time and then asked about my strike zone. I told him that the strike zone is not up for discussion, but are they outside?
You know what coach I will give you a free one. They are outside just as I have motioned through out the game.
No coach a free one does not mean that you can ask another question.
He moves his catcher and wow strike. the kid already has a smoking fast ball and the other team is basically a rec team he could finish the game with 9 pitch innings and we could go home early but know you and that loudmouth bitchy mom gotta play like it is the world fucking series.

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