When by chance I walked by a soapbox preacher, I, being one that enjoys a good evangelizing stopped and listened to this man prophesize and posture in the name of the lord.
He had maybe 3 bums tottering on the brink of passing out face down on the concrete and an empty guitar box open exposing the worn red velvet. I believe was expecting hand outs for the passersby but they all wanted to stay clear of the one toothless bum that looked like he was about to puke into the case.
“I said, ‘I want to cut them in pieces. I want to make people forget they ever existed.
He spoke of the END OF THE WORLD and how the end times were upon us. Screaming to passersby, asking if they were prepared for the great rapture.
He wailed about how the anti-Christ is among us right now in their very city. Just two blocks away.
Now this was good stuff. I wanted to know who the anti-Christ was maybe I could make an appointment with him and whoop his ass once before the end of the world came.
But I fear the reaction of their enemies, for their adversaries would misunderstand and say, “Our power is great, and the Lord has not done all this!”’
They are a nation devoid of wisdom, and there is no understanding among them.
As that would be the match of the all eternity. Reverend John Sleestaxx whoops the ass of the Satan's son. He has already made Satan cry numerous times on the ball field. Why not his son?
The preacher then rambled on about the quotes in the bible on tithe and taxes, and tributes to the lord.
And there it was a hand full of change dropped into the case by a smartly dressed business man in a hurry.
The bums seemed to break out of their trance just as the coin hit the velvet, like a victim wakes when the hypnotist snaps his fingers.
They looked around and at the preacher as he just looked up at the benefactor to thank him.
The bums reached down and started to steal the money. I was about to step up when the preacher kicked out his foot and connected with the head of one of the hobos.
The hobo yelped and cried out and the other two ran like school girls.
The money still in the case and the smelly hobos gone he turned his attention to me.
I wish that they were wise and could understand this, and that they could comprehend what will happen to them.”
How can one man chase a thousand of them and two pursue ten thousand; unless their Rock had delivered them up, and the Lord had handed them over?
He looked at me and said, "You there, are you not going to pay your tithe?"
I stepped closer and said "Why tithe to your case when I have a whole flock that tithes to me?"
Tell me the name of the anti-Christ and I shall help your cause.
As I got close for a real conversation I realized I did not want to get too close.
He is an alien from space and he hides in the capitol building, protected by the government.
Shit I thought he had something there for a minute.
For our enemies’ rock is not like our Rock, as even our enemies concede.
For their vine is from the stock of Sodom, and from the fields of Gomorrah. Their grapes contain venom, their clusters of grapes are bitter.
He smelled of thunderbird and rotten teeth. He had fleas in his beard.
He grabbed me and told me I was going to hell.
I laughed and said no I am not going to hell and that you sir are crazy and smelly. Get away from me.
Their wine is snakes’ poison, the deadly venom of cobras.
“Is this not stored up with me?” says the Lord “Is it not sealed up in my storehouses?
He said that I was a sinner and that I had to repent on the evilness of my ways.
I smacked him flat upside the head with my pimp hand and bible.
He staggered and fell to his knees.
I did not see it but he reached into his waist band and pulled out a knife and charged me.
I will get revenge and pay them back at the time their foot slips; for the day of their disaster is near, and the impending judgment is rushing upon them!”
The Lord will judge his people, and will change his plans concerning his servants; when he sees that their power has disappeared, and that no one is left, whether confined or set free.
My reaction when I saw the silver glint in his hand was to bring up my bible in two hands. Just in time the bible intercepted the blade and flesh connection and the blade plunged all the way through the book and stopped with 1 inch of the Pakistani metal tip sticking out.
I looked and saw that this fuck had ruined another bible. He had cut the word of the lord while trying to cut the speaker of the lord’s word.
He will say, “Where are their gods, the rock in whom they sought security,
who ate the best of their sacrifices, and drank the wine of their drink offerings? Let them rise and help you; let them be your refuge!
I twisted the good book and the knife came free of his hand. I brought my right back across his face and he cried out in pain.
I pulled the knife from the bible and let it fall to the ground and I began to beat the preacher on top of the head with the spine of my King James Bible.
Over and over I brought the good word down upon his head screaming for him to repent and pray for salvation. He dropped to his knees some more and fell silent.
I began to kick him in the ribs until I heard on crack.
The man was not going to give in.
Finally as my foot began to hurt he said oh lord why, why have you forsaken me?
I said that is the wrong god you are worshiping, a lesser lord and cheap imitation of the true lord our god.
You must now see the real god and I lift him to his feet. He reached out and grabbed my hand.
And bit me!
The fucker bit me.
Man I must have beat on his ass for another 10 minutes before he began to plead for the lord to save him.
My arms were tired
Because of the long distance you must travel, you get tired, but you do not say, ‘I give up.’ You get renewed energy, so you don’t collapse.
But they were not too tired to take him up into my arms and welcome him to the lord's light, the lord's love.
He wept on my shoulder and wailed that he was not worthy of the love that was bestowed upon him for he had worshiped the wrong gods. He had listened to prophesies of the weaker gods and now realized that he had been preaching the wrong words to the people everyday at lunch.
He realized the error of his ways and immediately began to plan his atonement.
he was to begin telling everyone the truth. He was going to tell everyone the lord that he saw and that the end times are not the concern and that the righteous must know the true and stronger god that he has now found.
He was to tell every one of the prophet that was Sleestaxx and the great brutal teachings that I bestowed upon him.
He was going to tell everyone that I have a message for everyone that everyone must see me.
I have a message for all of humanity.
You are all evil. God knows you are evil. You know you are evil. You will always be evil if you do not listen to the messages that I bring to you. The lord has chosen me to communicate the message. He has heaped upon my shoulders the most laborious and heaviest of burdens. That is the burden of saving your evil souls. It is my responsibility to bring you all out of the darkness. Protect you from evil and lead you to greener pastures.
And you all just do not help. You do not listen. You think that Thursdays and Sundays are all you have to do. But you need to help me help you. I need you all evangelize. if you can not evangelize then I need you to point them to me. Promote me. Buy my book for yourself and a friend. Tell everyone you meet to get in the game, step up to the plate, play to win.
The Doughnuts and coffee are courtesy of the old ladies that sit around the chapel all week ling to listen to the gossip and the prayers of the rest of you.
Kill each other in the parking lot for all I care because you all act like fucking children at this time of the day.
Fuck off and amen.
Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007