You gonna let’em call you that?

“That’ll be seven sixty seven buddy.” Said the clerk.

The guy behind me said. "Buddy? Last I heard a buddy was a bump on a dog's ass. Don’t let him call you that?"

He was right. No Mother Fucken human should be allowed to call anybody "buddy" that’s just too disrespectful to let slide. So I took my Slurpee and beef jerky out to my car and got my gun. I went back in and shot the bastard in the knee.

 I told him, while he was crying like a little girl, that he better think about calling people names.

Take no shit

This weekend I umpired a state tournament. No this was not a World Series but the winner received a berth to a world series and no again, it would not be a world series that would be on ESPN.
I started the weekend by doing 9s. Aaaahh nine year olds so focused so attentive so unable to stop the ball before it hits the umpire. Dads in the back with radar guns and talking about curves and sliders and changeups.
If I have, one more dad tell me to hang with the curve I swear I will eat him with red beans and rice and wash the entire meal down with the blood of a badger.
Therefore, I have done this tourney a few times in the past few years and I know this is life and death, the winner of every game gets to decide the gas prices, someone's grandmother is held captive by ninjas and her life and the life of 500 virgins hang on the balance of this game. However, I also know that the shit has to be stopped before it gets out of hand.
I decide to approach it differently then in the past. In the past, I wait until I can no longer take the insults the jabs the drive bys and I warn a coach and then I never ever get to eject him because I keep re-drawing the line. Therefore, this year I am drawing the line at the top and hold it fast.
First chirp gets a "we are not going there today. We are not going there do I make myself clear?" I start the plate meeting with a personable pleasant attitude and humor but when they chirp I jerk the lease tight and hard. This seemed to be very effective.
My son said that he was embarrassed at one point because I came out too fast on one dad but when I asked my son if he thought the game was more enjoyable after the dad was told to keep quite. He admitted that I was right.
I did 18 games in three days I will not talk about all 18 as many went with no issue.

Game one 9s
Red vs. white
I on bases and newbie [not my son] on plate.
No one on
Screamer up third base line
I pivot but I peek at the ball as it passes third (it is foul but I hear no indication)
[I now that if I do not hear foul I am going to have a shit storm on my hands]
I watch the runner cross first and go to second I hear the shit storm thunder "what's the call blue?.....you have to make a call blue!" now there is no way to convey the anger and rage that is in this voice but trust me when I turned I expected to see this coach holding my 16 year old partner by the throat.
Runner stops I turn to handle the shit storm and there is my partner doe eyed and in full panic mode. The coach is screaming and he is not telling the coach a thing. I call time and the coach starts to come out to me. I hold the umpire hand out to him and tell him to stay there he keeps coming "No coach you will go to the dug out right now!" he stops. I offer the umpire a chance to come talk to me.
"What’s the call?"
I do not know
It is either fair or foul
What do you think?
First, I was not supposed to look, I should not make that call from first base line. You had the angle it was your ball.
Yeah I know but I do not know what to call it.
Well in this case ... what is the count?
Two Two
OK if you call it foul everybody gets to go back and the batters count does not change.
I peeked at the drive and I can say that it was foul but do not plan on that rather help all the time be ready to make a call.
OK I will call it foul.
He calls it foul and not a soul complains not one chirp.
Later in the same, there is contact and although I did not see it as I watched my play, I know it was malicious. The world is screaming at the kid the pitcher is 8 feet from the plate and the runner is trotting back to the dug out. I call time the coach again wants to yell at me I hold him at bay and I talk to my partner.
The runner is out
No pitcher dropped the ball
No the runner is out for contact
You have to decide was the contact malicious.
No, it was not
Are you sure, because my back was turned on another potential play.
Yes, it was not malicious.
Turn around and call the runner out for contact he did not exercise one of his four options.
He turns, calls the runner, the coach comes out to me you cannot turn his call over.
No, I cannot
However, you just did
No, I did not
He changed his call
However, you told him to
no I did not we discussed the rule and clearly your player failed to slide, your player failed to stop, your player failed to go around, and he clearly failed to go back, so the only discussion we had was to eject him and you or just call him out.
Is he ejected?
Are you still in this game talking to me?
He turns and goes back to the dug out.
I explain the conditions to the other coach. He wants malicious contact I tell him I cannot give him that because I did not see the play.
Why not?
Because you might have wanted that out at second too.
We did not get one at second but you might have and I would have missed it if I were watching the play at home.
OK you are right.
Thanks coach.

Game 3 nine
Me on bases
Newbie [not my son] on plate (you have to do it at some point)
He gets a fucked up convoluted play at the plate and I would have made the same call as him but the coach wants to yell and intimidate the young man. He yells, "That is horrible that is terrible that is totally UN acceptable"
I call time and I make the coach walk all the way to me at first base. I tell him that his attitude is horrible that it is a terrible example and that it is unacceptable and if he is to lose his cool one more time, I do not care the reason and how much time is left on the clock I will send him to the parking lot and then my report will ensure that he is out for the rest of the tournament.
He says that I am right and that he is sorry
I tell him that he needs to apologize to the players not me.


Game 13
White vs. blue nine
98ºF 88%H
High shoulder pitch for the third ball in a row at the top of the first half (third pitch of the game) white moans and says something.
I turn and say We Will Not Go There Today. No, we will not. Am I clear?
Five heads nod yes
An out later runner steals third catcher throws and beats the runner but the fielder is too slow to swipe a proper tag my son calls the runner safe.
A coach screams BULLSHIT!
I did not hear it
My son did and he turned and in three steps crossed from third to first base line and says to the white team "there will be no profanity on the fields at any time". The five coaches all look like whip lash victims. Here is a 16-year-old telling 30-year-old gansta/MS13 looking men to stop swearing and he does so with all the authority of a grown man. I tell you I was never so proud at that moment.
Not a word fro the rest of the inning.
At the half-blue coach comes down to warm the pitcher. “I am going to call you the no nonsense umpires"
It is too hot to deal with anything other than just baseball.
He agrees.
My son arrives at the plate
I say to him "a warning for profanity?" man that coach owes you a steak dinner." he has no idea that he should be in his car right now.
My son says he did not know which coach said it.
I said if you had tossed the manger, he would have ponies the man up right quick
Yeah you are right
Wow, he is lucky I did not hear the profanity.
The white coach walks up, apologizes, and says that he has the situation under control.
My son says I hope so because it will not be tolerated around these young men.
You are right blue I am sorry
((You know what? My son fucking rocks!))(At 16 he gets it, he has the maturity to do the things it takes to be a man. I did not I was still trying to live and stay alive)

Game 16
Green vs. Blue 13s
me at the dish
3 minutes left of playtime losing team at the plate
Coach complains about a narrow escape at home.
I hear something from his side about picking sides
In addition, he has just said, "you have to call that pitch for both sides blue"
I stop the game.
"Coach, I know that there is 3 minutes left to play and I do not care if there is 30 seconds left to play if I hear one more remark that questions my integrity of my sportsmanship I will toss you to the parking lot and then call ball game.
Do not ever question my honesty I am not here to pick a winner I am here to make the decisions the two coaches cannot.
Yes blue I am sorry.


Game 18
Championship 12s
Yellow vs. white
This game was a tightly played well-pitched game that resembled two boxers in the ring trading punches. Honest to god the first two innings had no more than 13 pitches thrown.
No runner advanced past third base, we played for 3 hours something like 8 innings, and the game ended 7-0.
How you might asked.
White’s #12 was on the mound and the coach told me he was going to sub him in this half as he only had one out left in his allowable count for the tournament, but he was going to let him pitch while his number 2 boys was warming up.
Are you?
Yes.
Yellow coach says hey coach you now he has only one out right.
Yeah I am going to leave him in for it. Thanks for reminding me.
No problem.
I start the game. The pitcher clearly walks the first batter to burn sometime.
I look to white coach to see if he wants time.
I let the yellow batter in the box and he sees three balls and then the pitcher lets one drop into the zone just enough and the batter hits it to third. Third scoops and throws to second. OUT! In addition, the second turns and throws to first for a banger. OUT!
The play could have gone the other excessively. The white coach drops to his knees. The yellow coach is calmly walking up to me. The players and the parents have no clue what just happened except a double play was made and on a bang bang. The umpire on the field has no idea either because he is going back to his position.
Yellow coach goes to me and says the pitcher has pitched too many outs. Yes, I think you may be right, get the tourney director.
The white coach is now explaining to his side what just happened. My partner hears and he just smiles.
The tourney director confirms that the double was too many outs and the white has to forfeit the game.
I told my partner that this is the first time in history that a defensive coach is pissed that an umpire called a double play.







Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

Also reading

With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

Ejection report, bad attitudes and stinky old men. By John Sleestaxx

Ejection report, bad attitudes and stinky old men.
By John Sleestaxx


So this week-end was a real humdinger.

A pushed tournament schedule.
Rain and power pushed Friday’s games to Saturday and that pushed Saturday down.

Saturday
Red vs. blue (me at the plate)
Red coach refuses to come to the plate while we wait for him to write out his line up. He could have done that while he waited the 30 mins (damn should have thought of that at the time).
Then during the plate meeting he refuses to listen and would not even face the other coach or my self or my partner. I covered 2 of the 6 things in plate before I said "we will flip and you (blue) were here first so you get to call it.
My partner said really is that all?
Yes that is the important things and we will cover the rest when they come up.
Blue loses the flip
My partner said this is going to be a rough game
Red wants to know why
I said rough crowd rough game
My partner said we are on the clock
Red get your boys on the field and get them to work
They need to warm up
No they have got to warm up get them on the field
No we need to warm up you are running 30 mins late that is your fault
No it is not my fault and you will get them on the field
No we need to warm up
You are burning his clock too now get to work]
Red says the other coach "we will get on the field in 3 or five minutes"
No will get on the field now you have had 10 mins already
No we have not
I pull out my watch and look at it yes you have now get on the field
Some dad gets on the field for something and yells "let’s not worry about little arms lets just stay on schedule"
I say to the red coach “you are responsible for your spectators this is your one and only warning"
He gets his boys on the field.
Three pitches in and off the plate by two balls red coach says "WHAT?"
I take off my mask "and say very nicely "We are not going to go there today am I clear?"
No nod, no acknowledgement, but I know he knows
I have a thing that was taught to me in all my clinics about game management "do not let the batters stand and time the pitches while the pitcher is warming up. They are to be in the dirt circle. If you do they could get beaned by the pitcher in the box and if I let them time then I better not say a word about the intentional pitch." So I do not let them do so.
At one point the red coach asks me "why not let them cross?"
I reply "because I said so."
He wants to know "is it a rule?"
Yes it is
At what level?
USSSA to high school to college to major leagues
Really?
Yes it states that the umpire behind the plate is in charge and because I say they can't, they can't.
Oh
And now every half it are trying to get on the other side.
About the fifth inning in reds batter bunts and is in fair territory I call batter out and send everyone back
He wants to know why
I said he was in fair territory when he struck the ball it is a dead ball play no one advances
He says he knows that
Then why did you ask
I wanted to know why the batter was out
And I told you that the batter was in fair territory when he struck the ball and it is a dead play no one advances what is the problem?
No problem.
Then after the half he wants to know where his player was
I told him he was in fair territory (with out moving from my position on the side)
I know but exactly where was his foot
Ok sure I will do you a favor and I step just out side of where the box would be and in font of the plate
Ok
then he goes to the back stop where all the fucking whinny dads are and they begin to have a conversation about "he can't see balls and strikes how can he see where the foot is?" today I am fresh and full of Job and patience I let it go in retrospect or the next day I should have popped the dad on the spot.
The coach bitches and whines like a school girl about how he is never coming here for another tournament (but the babies all say the same thing but guess who you see later next month?)
Game finishes and that is Saturday

Sunday is a bitch it was 100ºF 87% humidity and every field is running late and I have commitments that evening
Blue vs. white (different blue) (me on bases [I hate the bases more work than the plate and I am not in charge])
Blue is whining about some of the pitches but too bad nothing serious and that is my partner’s problem, not mine.
A couple of pick off move that were not even close and you can hear the thunder on the horizon. I have a hungry near sighted coach. Ah Hah! Something is going to happen.
A play at second from the catcher to short not even freaking close!
Blue jumps up and screams "Jesus make a call!"
I call time and motion for the coach to come out to me (I make it a long walk too).
Coach I will not tolerate another out burst like that this is your one and only warning. Am I clear?
He nods
I am sorry I have a deaf ear I did not hear your answer
Yes
Ok then let’s finish the game.
Yes I know I am a fucker at times but you can not sit there in the fucking shade on a fucking bucket over 80' and watch me make a safe call and tell me that I am not making calls. I am making fucking calls all over the place I made calls at first and I made calls at second and I made calls at third. Safe is a call. When I am in B and C position I make calls in the out field too "catch" "no-catch"
Make a call indeed! Harumpff bastard coach whose breath smells of ass!

Red vs. green (different red) (me at the plate)
Plate is nice and crisp but I smell shit in the air.
Greens second batter is rung up on an outside pitch clearly a strike be he just fucking froze. He bangs the plate and yells "that was not a strike!"
I call time and I approach the coach "that player is now on warning for sportsmanship conduct another out burst and I will eject him"
Yes sir that was not tolerable and we will fix it ASAP
Thank you
Top of two the pitcher throws 3 balls off the plate (as far off the plate as three balls) the catcher is signaling they are strikes. On the fourth that was a high pitch at the damn freaking shoulder the parents become a choir.
On the second walk they break into a rendition "oh my god" "that is terrible" "he is horrible pick" "a damn strike zone" it is an eruption of wailing to their pagan baseball gods.
I call time I approach red's coach
Sir you are responsible for your spectators this is your warning and you will not get another do you understand.
No I do not
Well let me explain it to you then
You are responsible for your players your coaches and your spectators. Your spectators are not behaving in a sportsman like manner that is expected from the stands as well in the dug out.
But they are fans I have no control
Then you better because I will eject you for them
You can not do that
You are now just arguing with me, go to the parking lot!
What you can not do that

Which ones
I turn and with out really looking that one and that one
Why them
Because I was asked to pick and they were closest to the parking lot
I can not do that
Ok let me make it easier for you then. You and a player. you want to pick or no let me, you number one....
I will go
I turn go back to the plate I hold the game until I saw him walk past the backstop.
the tournament director came up shortly and asked what is happening
I explain the the stands were arguing balls and strikes I gave the coach a warning he began to argue with me I sent him to the parking lot and he argues soem more so I began to pick players to be ejected.
did you eject a player
No not yet but if it keeps up I will
At this point some old stinky man walked up and began to yell at me. I went back to my game.
The reds catcher began rolling his eyes on every ball call and on every play that was safe he would yell "of course they are not going to call that". (You know here I thought I was being nice)I finally bent down and told the catcher that he better not say any more like that because he can be replaced. (I could have talked to the coach and just gave him his warning right then but I was meaning to give the catcher two this one and then the one to the coach if it continued) But this was clearly a mistake on my part. I should have just replaced the catcher from the top of remarks and been done with it.
Red loses and I am baked. I am fucking down. I lost my 3:30 game because of all the games running late (they gave the game to someone else)
I am at my car getting undressed and the red team is passing through the parking lot and stinky comes shuffling through
"That was the worst game ever"
Thank you. Have a nice day sir
He begins to walk towards telling about how terrible I was.
Sir does not come any closer
Do not step any closer
I reached for my phone
I am going to call the police if you come any closer
He stopped when I put the phone to my ear
You said you were going to eject the catcher to get into his head he said.
No that is not what was said.
Trailing cries of anguish as I explain to dispatch that I no longer was in need of a police officer.
Yes ma'am I am ok there is no danger. I am an umpire and I thought I was going to have trouble with a fan but he has decided to depart. Sorry to have bothered you. Yes I am sure.
They called back. LOL no ma'am everything is all right.

You know if they would just enforce day care for the parents and mandate coaching classes for the managers my life would be easier and I would probably get paid less. Oh well
Happy day it is Monday and I am still alive.







Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

Also reading

With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

2008 is expected to be very interesting.

On January 1st I woke up with the dogs missing the taste of dog in my mouth.
There is a big black burn mark in my front yard. Something was definitely burned there. I can not even begin to imagine.
My neighbors will not look at me in the eye and some appear to be scared when I am outside.
Part of me says this is normal and that I should not worry.
But I do worry. Where are my dogs? why do I see strange images when I close my eyes.
Today a little boy was walking to the bus stop and when he got to my property line he sprinted past my house like Satan himself was chasing him.
When the paperboy knocked on the door I went to answer. He turned pale when I opened the door. Then he started to leave and tripped and fell. I know he broke his ankle because I heard the crack.
If there was anyone there that can help fill in the gaps please let me in on the events.
I mean if there is something I did wrong I should know right?
If I offended my neighbors I should apologize right?
If I dressed in drag and roasted my dogs.... again... I need to replace them and start taking my medications and get another appointment ASAP.

Currently reading Like A Monkey With A Handgun By Rev. J. Sleestaxx Release date: By 3 December, 2007

I do charity some times

So I do charity events damn near all weekend. (Umpire for free)
Friday a fundraiser for the high school fun and nothing really to mention
Saturday was pay at the plate and that was nice 110 for 5hours
Sunday was a toy for tots drive. The teams all bring toys and they get to playa tourney.

Saturday 14 girls fast pitch. I was awesome.
I covered third and my partner was slow to get to home almost blew it.
I pooched a first base safe call and knew it. First was bobbling the ball as the runner crossed the bag. I came up to fast with the call and I knew it.
They asked for the appeal and I gave it to them my partner knew I needed the bail. I changed my call
I lost count once and I missed 3 pitches total for the whole game.

Sunday
I do 10s behind the mound. The strike zone is weird from back there. And when the sun is in your eyes it is worse.
At the start I was told that a kid has to fall off the mound to get a balk.
This is a good time for the coaches to pitch the other boys.
So there was some balks but I did not call them ( I was told they have to drop the ball of fall off the mound to get a balk).
My last game was 12s behind the mound. They thanked me for my time and they thanked me for wearing the Santa hat and they thought that was a nice touch.
White vs. blue.
The sun was in the batters eyes so I tightened the zone a bit.
Whites pitcher was throwing inside 2 balls wide and I would call a ball. then the pitcher would mutter under his breath "come on blue".
The bitching started and a dad yells “that was a curve ball blue haven’t you seen a curve ball before.”
I yell “the ball still has to cross the plate to work.”
More retarded comments form both sides and then the half.
I stand on the offensive side and curve ball dad says "you got to hang with the curve" meaning that he felt I was giving up on the pitch too soon.
“No sir I am here as a volunteer and if you think you are better then maybe you should get out here in my stead.”
“I would love to.”
“Then you should not be so rude and disrespectful.”
He does not move and then says “you got to help the pitcher out some.
You got to hang with the curve ball.”
“No I have had enough of your mouth you sir are done no more you are rude and disrespectful”
“But I was....”
I turn to a coach from his team and tell the coach,
“I have had enough of his rude mouth. any more at all you and him will be in the parking lot charity or not and there is still an hour 10 minutes left to play. “
“do we understand?”
“yes “
Now I was loud enough for everyone to here and everyone knew I had enough
Blue coach said we are just joking with you, you know for fun, keeps you on your toes.
No sir that is not right. I get paid for the abuse and I am not getting paid today.
The white coach later apologizes and says he realizes that I am volunteering and he is sorry for the dad.
“No that is fine the issue is behind us now and the warning stands.”
The score is now blue 8 white 1 bottom of five with 6 minutes left to go.
Two outs and Flair to left gets a boy from blue on base.
Boy steals to second then to third.
Pitcher is trying to hold the boy on but the boy is too quick back to the bag.
The pitch steps to set and starts his motion and I see his foot 13 inches off the rubber.
“That’s a balk“
I balked the winning run into home to finish the game 3 minutes early.

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Humasn are evil

I umpire youth baseball. If you have ever doubted the human race, do that (umpire) for a few games. Every time I think the human race is a decent species I end up with a team that reminds me that we as a species are inherently evil and there can be no doubt about the fact that we killed the missing link and ate their remains. We would eat the children of our neighbors if we thought no one was looking.

Trust me, your co-worker is right now plotting your death, and the guy in the car next to you on the way home tonight is imagining what it would be like to bath in your blood and rape your entire family line.

Fuck them all.

Human race is not civilized at all. We are able to use verbal indicators to convince ourselves that we care about everyone else.

We do not care about anyone else; we only want to find a way to take what does not belong to us. "Fuck everyone else man, it is all about what I can do for myself."
here let me piss in your mouth and tell you its
medicine.

You all who think that if you do the right thing and stay the straight and narrow, toe the company line that you will be rewarded. Did you not hear about the Enron fuckers. Jesus they raped the entire market, they raped the entire work force, and they get way. They fake their death and live in Brazil. fuck fuck fuck fuck you fucking spit in your mouth and stick you in the ribs with a plastic butter Knife. ahhhhhhhhhhhhrhrrrrrrrrgggggggg
ja;jklebnsfaJKLQBWF'[UIOQHAJIOSBHDF;AJBSDABNSDIPUGAS;KFNDPAISUBF;IASEDF
DAMN IT AND DAMN YOU ALL FUCK YOU FUCK YOU ALL hahahahahahahah YOU are all fucking yourselves and you all do not care.

One day a terrible rain will come and wash all the trash, dirt, and shit from the streets. Then the world will be made clean and righteous, just as God intended. The meek will not be there though as they will have been eaten and shat out as so much refuse and waste.

A boy with Down syndrome is at the park with his father. They walk by a baseball field and the boy stops to watch the other boys play a close game of baseball. The boy is speaking to his father about how he would like to play and his father is explaining that the game had already started and that the game was too close to have him join in. The boys playing over hear dad and ask the boy to join in the game.
The score is still very close and the boy is on the "on deck circle". The boy sees the cleats on the boy that just struck out, making the outs two with a tie score.
The boy begins to scream that he wants the spiky shoes too. Left field offers to let the boy borrow his and he'll play bare foot for the last out.
The pitcher lobs the ball across the plate for the boy to hit. The boy drills one into the pitchers ball side wrist shattering every bone and piece of cartilage. Short stop fields the ball cleanly and takes his time to throw the ball to first. As he does the throw goes errant, a little over the first baseman's head. First base then stretches and leans back to reach for the ball and as the first baseman misses the ball the boy stomps on first baseman's right ankle snapping it at the joint.
Right field, who has always thought he should be allowed to play third, notices at that instant that there is a fuzzy caterpillar in the grass at his feet, and holy cow look 7 lady bugs all in one place. How weird is that?
The boy rounds towards second as the catcher picks up the overthrown ball and throws towards second who is still looking at the first baseman's right angle ankle. The ball hits the second baseman in the temple and he drops like a sack of laundry.
The runner now touches second and begins to head to third as the short stop retrieves the ball and throws to third who is preparing for a tag. Third moves into the tag position and receives the ball and starts to throw the tag as the boy drops into a slide. The boy raises a foot and slams it into the third baseman’s groin rupturing his left testicle causing him to drop the ball.
The boy pops up and begins toward home as short again retrieves the ball and throws to home.
The catcher closes the gate as the ball and boy converge at the plate. The boys drops into a text book figure four slide and collides with the catcher's shins, hyper extending both of the catchers knees, tearing the meniscus and ACL of both of his young joints. The catcher falls back like a 300 foot redwood.
The boy touches home, gets up, kicks clay into the crying eyes of the catcher and yells to the field, "You have just been schooled by a retard."
The first baseman who is now permanently crippled sues the city and wins.
The father of the second baseman begins to drink heavily and one night drives his car into a house. The family that lived in the house wins a multi-million dollar lawsuit over the death of a cat, two gold fish, and a hamster. The depressed and despondent mother testifies as a vice president of a large tobacco company, that the tobacco industry has known forever about the cancer and addiction and still produced dangerous products to the public with malice. The attorneys receive 100 billion dollars and the rest of everyone who felt they were injured by cigarettes and tobacco received coupons for free tobacco products and plenty of public service announcements every 13 minutes.
The family of the third baseman started a foundation for the children of one nutted third basemen. The boy was made president and now receives 500,000 dollar yearly salary.
The catcher is a mechanic in service station in a small town in Arizona
The short stop lives in the Dallas-Fort worth area and can be regularly seen on johntv.com with prostitutes.

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© 2007 All Rights Reserved.

It is not a sport to abuse the umpires

What has happened in our culture that has made it a sport to verbally abuse umpires??
Where and what strike zone are these bones teaching our kids.
The strike zone exists where the umpire says it does as this is a judgment call
As the ball crosses any part of the fucken plate. The written strike zone reads "a strike is called if any part of the ball enters the strike zone." And this is as just below the god-damn knees to the leading arm pit as a batter was to swing at the ball.
That word "any" means a thread, a 1/4, the black, the white, if the damn ball starts above the knee and ends in the fucking dirt.
The strike zone is not a flat plane but a 3 dimensional rectangle drawn at every pitch. And your little Xerox turd copy can duck, bob, dive back and make faces all they want but the box was drawn when the stood at the plate, and if they jump out, or duck the box bigger, I am not going to penalize the pitcher because your child can't stand in the box.
I have grandpa behind me calling pitches. I have mommies taking it personal when their kid strikes out looking (not swinging at the third strike). Believe me I hate to ring a kid up more than any umpire. I as a coach hated the backwards "K". It stood for not trying, not protecting your strike zone.
Mommies talk to your coaches and your husbands about what a proper strike zone is before you start treating me like a monster out to eat little kids. If that pitcher can consistently paint the corner of the plate a double "oh" brush with a 3" freaking ball I am going to give him his strike. And you parents can act as if I am killing kittens on field all you want, the fact remains that was a strike it had been when your pitcher was throwing the goddamn ball and it is a strike now.
And when the rule says "pitcher and catcher of record" and you are visitor and you are at the top of the 1st inning. You do not have a catcher or a pitcher yet. The rule is states of record so you can not arbitrary decide that your slowest runner is now a catcher but later you change you mind and choose another player to catch. And if the tournament director says “they can” switch means “they will allow it” not that that is the correct interpretation. "They can" means “they are allowed to”. The rule literally states "of record" which means until your player has played that position he is not that position player. AND DO NOT COME UP TO ME AFTER THE GAME TO INSURE THAT I WAS INSTRUCTED ON THE RULE!! WHAT THE FUCK YOU STUPID TURD!! THEY SAID THEY WILL ALLOW IT NOTHING more than that. Then to jump up and down insisting that I was wrong AFTER the game, is just trying to have a pissing contest. So do not be offended when I ask “why are we still having this conversation” the freaking game was over. And do you realize how retarded you looked when you yelled after me as I walked away?? HA HA HA HA man did you look stupid “We know you are going to make bad calls just know the rules?” and just about every person I came into contact with after that said "what was that coaches problem?" As I always explain it as “when you are on the short side of any score you will try and find any reason why it is not your fault.”
And to the coach about the balk, yes your boy balked, he paused on his movement to third, which I deemed a feint, regardless of his lifting and turning to first, he paused it was a feint with the foot on the rubber. I may not have explained that properly and I was a bit pissed from the last game and the opposing coach had I pissed off because he made my job harder by calling balk before I did. I am trying to slow down my calls so that my calls do not have to change because of stupid kid player crap. Like dropping the ball, over running the bag