Making tomorrow better by baptizing them today

Making tomorrow better by baptizing them today.
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx

I am taking the love of the baptism to the streets and I am beating god's word into the youth of today to make a better tomorrow.

Hosea 4

4:1 Hear the word of the Lord, you Israelites!
For the Lord has a covenant lawsuit against the people of Israel.
For there is neither faithfulness nor loyalty in the land,
nor do they acknowledge God.

You can not go through life ignoring God and God's will. To do so will evoke a lawsuit from God himself against you in the highest court of courts.
I am here to represent you in that trial. And that is why I have Baptismal Beatings every Thursday. You are supposed to come down to the rectory, confess your transgressions while I box your ears in. You are suppose to fight back because God Only helps those that help themselves and well how am I to get better if you act the pussy and not fight back. You will not win. You will get the crap beat out of you but you will have your sins atoned and your penance will be noted in the "Big Book".

Sam 22:39
I wipe them out and beat them to death; they cannot get up; they fall at my feet.
Like Balaam in Numbers

Num 22:23
And the donkey saw the angel of the Lord standing in the road with his sword drawn in his hand, so the donkey turned aside from the road and went into the field. But Balaam beat the donkey, to make her turn back to the road.

god and the lord have given me the power to beat you all who need it. They also command the beatings to occur

Luk 12:47
That servant who knew his master’s will but did not get ready or do what his master asked will receive a severe beating.

Hosea 4
4:2 There is only cursing, lying, murder, stealing, and adultery.
They resort to violence and bloodshed.

4:3 Therefore the land will mourn,
and all its inhabitants will perish.
The wild animals, the birds of the sky,
and even the fish in the sea will perish.

god and the lord have stated that these things shall come to pass and the news have proven that these things are happening today. There are animals and fish that go extinct everyday.

The time is at hand are you going to hell for the crimes you have committed or would you rather have representation and receive the gift of eternal bliss?
I feel the need to save everyone I come into contact with that I have begun to take my baptismal to the street. I now believe the time to beat god into every stupid sinner I find.
Why just the other day I was walking to the store and I passed some teenage boys. Now we have all seen these fucking morons, you know the pants too big and balanced on the ass displaying the brown shit stain in their underwear. Well they passed me and one stated that I should watch where I am going and bumped into my shoulder and pressed me into the wall of the building.
I jumped back and stated that the lord has placed you on the path to savior and that they are about to see the lord god himself.
They laughed and asked me what the hell I was talking about?
I told them they are about to received some joyous love from the angry lord and I punched one in the nose. His nose sort of flattened and then began to gush the red liquid of life onto the white tee shirt he was wearing.
He cried "Oh God what the hell was that for?"
I turned to his other two friends who were clearly confused by the swiftness of the warrior standing before them.
I spoke "See your friend is already beginning to see the lord and is now beginning the healing of their relationship by speaking to him now!" and I round house kick the nearest stupid thug and he dropped, after my heel thumped the juggler vein in his neck.
His third partner in stupidity snapped to and pulled out a gun and said “I do not know drugs you have that make you think you are super but I have your kryptonite right here bitch!"
I out stretched my hands and said, "Son the lord only wants you all back into the fold" and I stepped in just then the thug on the ground moaned and the one with the gun said hey gee you alright? And Gee moaned.
The thug looked down sand at the same instant I slapped my hand against the pistol hand of the sinner and a shot rang. he looked at me and I told him "Praise the lord for you have received a second chance at salvation." and with great love for my fellow man I lovingly placed one hand at the base of his neck and with the other I began to beat on this fucktard's forehead like it was a wad of bread dough

Gen 18:6
So Abraham hurried into the tent and said to Sarah, “Quick! Take three measures of fine flour, knead it, and make bread.”

The one that was gushing the red life force from his nose blinked the water out of his eyes and charged us both. He got a week right hand punch into my left ear causing the lord's voice to ring, "You sir have been chosen to save these souls, You must save them now or they shall be lost for ever." My hand that was on the neck on the pistol thug arched backwards in the best pimp slap ever slapped against a stupid bitch. The pistol thug dropped to his knees screaming "Oh God Oh god" and I looked upon him and yelled with the voice of god, "There young man you do see the light! Go now to church and tell your pastor that you have been beaten by god himself and that you are to be received into heaven."
The thug that rushed me charged again and I slapped my right hand onto his forehead with such force that he dropped to his knees also and I said," Dear lord please receive this imbecile servant and forgive him for his transgressions." and I brought my right knee to his face. He dropped backward in an awkward heap sputtering red juice and heaving in a primal throaty sound that I can only tell you was tongues.
You see as my knee christened his face the energy of the Holy Ghost filled him and he was imbued with the knowledge of the prophet of the bible.

1Co 14:5
I wish you all spoke in tongues, but even more that you would prophesy. The one who prophesies is greater than the one who speaks in tongues, unless he interprets so that the church may be strengthened.

I can not tell you the wondrous joy I felt as I heard these three sinners find their way to the lord.
The blood and the pain and the love and the joy that was being spilled out there on the sidewalk made them all weep. It was a truly beautiful moment.

You all would be proud and fearful for your pastor that day fro he truly brought the lord's can of whoop ass to those thugs.
I just got the call from their pastor and he wanted to know what I said to them. I told him it was not me it was the lord’s hand that touched them and it was a beautiful thing.
We both wept with joy and happiness from the love that we felt for one another and then I invited him down for a Thursday baptism. He was happy to accept the invitation and if he can still think properly we may start a church boxing league on Mondays.
The kitchen has been serving some mighty fine lunches to the legal residents of this great nation and city. They are in need of food donations and some volunteers. I want to remind you all that time and donations at the church do not go un-noticed and that on Thursdays the gloves change based on time served.
Please respect and show love and compassion in the parking lot today as you all leave.

Amen and god bless.

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