In My Neighborhood #8 By Rev. J. Sleestaxx

It was garbage day and I was putting the cans by the curb and I hear "what Up Dawg".
Why does anyone believe they have the right to call me a dog and not get their ass kicked. Oh well. I turned to find Vanilla Ice standing there in all his heavy metal tattooed glory. Although he was now a proud metal performer and he had shed the “white boy who could dance” he reeked of poser.
He had had his fight with drugs, divorce, and scandal that had not really put a real edge on him. He was still looking every bit the poser, the fake, the wanna be.
I do not remember him moving in anywhere.
“I just moved in last night, into that house over there.” He points to Marilyn’s house. The one across from Johnny, and I best not speak any more about that matter.
“That house there?” I asked.
“Yeap, signed the papers yesterday and everything. He smiled the smile of a car salesman. Yeap that’s the ticket. Signed the paper yesterday.”
“You know who used to live there before you.”
“No no-one its mine who’s been talking and what have they been saying? Cause I signed the papers yesterday.”
“Yeah you said that.”
“You want to see them?”
“No, no dude that will be quite all right.” Hoping to end this stupid banter.
“Cause you know I was totally crucified over a double beat that every could not get except my manager and producer.”
“I want to make sure that everyone knows that this is my house.”
“I built it and everything with my own two hands, hammered the nails myself. plumbed the copper tubes myself.”
“Copper pipes” I corrected
“What?” he was clearly lost in an alternate universe and did not have a map to get back.
“Copper ….yeah uh O Kay what ever”
“No dude really I did.”
“Sure you did what ever.” I said less convincing than I wanted to be.
“You know what you better show some respect.”
“Or what? “ I challenged.

I'm trying to get away before the jackers jack
Police on the scene you know what I mean
They passed me up confronted all the dope fiends
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it
Ice 1990

“No dude relax just relax.” And I am thinking please do not sing any more of that fucked up lame ass song or it may get embedded into my brain for a week.
“I do not care in fact it is probably better you moved in.”
“Why? What’s up?”
“Here's the deal what ever you do, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT landscape that front flowerbed. Leave the flower bed alone and you should have no trouble at all.”
“The flower bed?” he twisted his forehead all up and you could almost hear the one functioning gear grind on all the stripped ones.
“Yeah, you see Johnny is very particular about his view.” I said kind of leaning in and whispered, trying to make it seem official.
“HEH, Johnny Cash? Really? No problem. I do not want any trouble with him I heard he killed a man just to write a song.”

Gunshots rang out like a bell
I grabbed my nine all I heard were shells
Falling on the concrete real fast
Ice 1990

"Yeah, ok." I said getting bored with the conversation already.
"Welcome to the neighborhood." I said not really to him but just out there so I did not seem like an asshole.
And I turned away. Thinking to myself, "Can I live with Vanilla Ice in my neighborhood? Can I pull a Johnny and make the house vacant?"
Milli Vanilli tried that squatting thing with the model, but everyone knew they were squatting and the house builder knew the model was not sold. They were not the sharpest tools in the music industry either.
Here at least Vanilla is trying to squat a sold house.
I wonder how long he will be able to stay there before anybody realizes he is squatting and the house is like his music, not his own.

Currently reading Like A Monkey With A Handgun By Rev. J. Sleestaxx Release date: By 3 December, 2007

In my neighborhood #5 By Rev. J. Sleestaxx

We (we being the neighbors and my family) do not hear a single peep.
Rollins had invited us over to celebrate the New Year entrance and since Rollins is a non-drinker and that is the type of environment we want for my son we said yes. Kidd and Pam were having a block party with a petting zoo and a clown act. But Henry had already invited us and the no drinking thing also was a plus as my son is now at driving age i want to show him that fun can be had without drinking.
What I also found out was that Wendy was going to be at Kidd and Pam’s party and Henry was still miffed about the bird bath so that is why he decided to have a party at his house. Along with him sharing some of his new spoken word bits with us he also shared his political view with us and he complained about “the Nazi government” that is the HOA. Man did he bitch about that fucking bird bath. "Man why did Wendy have to get involved", "why did Lee Ving have to hire the immigrants", "illegals" I corrected him, "you know the bird bath was an expression on my individuality and my non-conformist personality facet. It was just like having a Mohawk but for the front yard". bla bla bla bla.
You ever work in a cube farm?
And everyone is talking and soon after a while all the voices begin to sound more like a buzz or a drone? Yeah he was sounding like that. buzz buzz buzz
"You know if we punkers could have owned houses back in the day the HOA would not have gotten such a foot hold."
"We are being denied our right to free yard expression, we are entitled to express our individuality and the HOA is forcing us to all look the same."
Then there were gunshots and screaming. And then more gunshots.
My wife says, "I hope everybody is ok" and I am thinking ‘hey, he stopped talking”, did a stray make its way over here? Am I that...
"Damn” Henry Exclaimed, “I knew Tee was going to be trouble when he moved in."
"Nope, not lucky enough." I thought
My son asked "who?"
"Ice T moved in behind me six months ago. You know that new house next to Britney and Pink."
"Ice T the actor from Law & Order Special Victims Unit?" My son asks
"Yeah but once he was a gangster rapper" Henry tells my boy "and pretty hardcore too, in fact he was so hardcore many of his shows had to be canceled because the cops hated him for a couple of his songs." "Like your father and I when we were hardcore punkers."
"But" I interjected "He is just a fat washed up spoiled actor type with visions of grandeur and a desire to recapture some of the glory days." I looked at Henry and he missed the whole thing. "He" I continued "Should accept the fact the as we get older we make concessions, and we agree that we made changes in the world, and the changes we made will be better left to the youth to continue and to change some more. All life is one long fucking changing cycle." My son rolled his eyes and Henry was going into the back yard to peek through the fence.
I followed Henry.
At the fence I see that Tee is in the back yard with a pistol in one hand and a bottle of wild turkey in the other.
Drinking off the bottle he staggers back and forth.
“Get back in the house bitch!” He screams at his woman friend.
“No Tracy comeback in”
“No” he says waving the pistol in her direction “I was a bad ass one time.”
“Yes baby you were” in a more mother tone than a hot date sexy voice.
“That’s right I am not any more I am just a washed up thug wanna be.” And he drops to his knees and swigs some more WT.
He puts the pistol to his head “I was a bad ass” tapping the barrel to his temple “I was a bad ass” and he begins to cry.
Henry speaks for the first time and I look at him "man that has to be tough. To come to terms with your past self like that. I am so glad we are still hardcore."
And I see a tear in his eye too.
He stands and hops the fence Ice T jumps to his feet and points the gun at Henry.
Henry throws his hands up "whoa Ice hold on......"
But Ice was clearly too fucked up to reason with and fired.
Henry stiffens and freezes.
He looks down at his chest and sees no blood
He runs his hands across his shirt
Ice drops to his knees and sobs "it was just blanks Henry"
“Oh good.” And he begins to sit next to Ice in the grass
He puts his arm around Ice and the woman goes back into the house shaking her head.
Henry says “Man you gotta get over this man. You are still a force to be reckoned with.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah man you are a legend.”
“Yeah?”
“Man you fucking rock!”
“What are you doing here you should be putting your revival album together.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah man! You could call it "On parole or resurrection!”
“Nah man I am too domesticated I am out of touch with the street man. Hey what’s that smell you smell that?”
“No man I do not smell anything. No man you can never loose touch with the street.”
Now I smell shit through the fence and I can barely hold the laughter in. The two are now arm in arm looking at the sky.
Henry leans in and whispers something in T's ear.
T looks at Henry and leans way back “Yeah?”
“Yeah man.”
“Really? “
“Would I shit you?”
“I don’t know you shit your pants.”
“Well you pointed a gun at me and fired it.”
“Yeah well I was a bad ass one time.”
“That's right and you scared me so I think maybe you are still a bad ass still.”
Then they just sat there and looked at the sky.
My son says “Hey dad it is midnight. Happy New Year.”
“Yeah happy new year son.”
We turn to head out
“Hey do you think we can still get to Kidd and Pam’s.”
“Yeah but your mother would not like it if Wendy was there doing the beer pong trick like last year.”
“Ahh man!”
Nah lets go home.

Currently reading Like A Monkey With A Handgun By Rev. J. Sleestaxx Release date: By 3 December, 2007

Making tomorrow better by baptizing them today

Making tomorrow better by baptizing them today.
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx


I am taking the love of the baptism to the streets and I am beating god's word into the youth of today to make a better tomorrow.

Hosea 4

4:1 Hear the word of the Lord, you Israelites!
For the Lord has a covenant lawsuit against the people of Israel.
For there is neither faithfulness nor loyalty in the land,
nor do they acknowledge God.

You can not go through life ignoring God and God's will. To do so will evoke a lawsuit from God himself against you in the highest court of courts.
I am here to represent you in that trial. And that is why I have Baptismal Beatings every Thursday. You are supposed to come down to the rectory, confess your transgressions while I box your ears in. You are suppose to fight back because God Only helps those that help themselves and well how am I to get better if you act the pussy and not fight back. You will not win. You will get the crap beat out of you but you will have your sins atoned and your penance will be noted in the "Big Book".

Sam 22:39
I wipe them out and beat them to death; they cannot get up; they fall at my feet.
Like Balaam in Numbers

Num 22:23
And the donkey saw the angel of the Lord standing in the road with his sword drawn in his hand, so the donkey turned aside from the road and went into the field. But Balaam beat the donkey, to make her turn back to the road.

god and the lord have given me the power to beat you all who need it. They also command the beatings to occur

Luk 12:47
That servant who knew his master’s will but did not get ready or do what his master asked will receive a severe beating.

Hosea 4
4:2 There is only cursing, lying, murder, stealing, and adultery.
They resort to violence and bloodshed.

4:3 Therefore the land will mourn,
and all its inhabitants will perish.
The wild animals, the birds of the sky,
and even the fish in the sea will perish.

god and the lord have stated that these things shall come to pass and the news have proven that these things are happening today. There are animals and fish that go extinct everyday.

The time is at hand are you going to hell for the crimes you have committed or would you rather have representation and receive the gift of eternal bliss?
I feel the need to save everyone I come into contact with that I have begun to take my baptismal to the street. I now believe the time to beat god into every stupid sinner I find.
Why just the other day I was walking to the store and I passed some teenage boys. Now we have all seen these fucking morons, you know the pants too big and balanced on the ass displaying the brown shit stain in their underwear. Well they passed me and one stated that I should watch where I am going and bumped into my shoulder and pressed me into the wall of the building.
I jumped back and stated that the lord has placed you on the path to savior and that they are about to see the lord god himself.
They laughed and asked me what the hell I was talking about?
I told them they are about to received some joyous love from the angry lord and I punched one in the nose. His nose sort of flattened and then began to gush the red liquid of life onto the white tee shirt he was wearing.
He cried "Oh God what the hell was that for?"
I turned to his other two friends who were clearly confused by the swiftness of the warrior standing before them.
I spoke "See your friend is already beginning to see the lord and is now beginning the healing of their relationship by speaking to him now!" and I round house kick the nearest stupid thug and he dropped, after my heel thumped the juggler vein in his neck.
His third partner in stupidity snapped to and pulled out a gun and said “I do not know drugs you have that make you think you are super but I have your kryptonite right here bitch!"
I out stretched my hands and said, "Son the lord only wants you all back into the fold" and I stepped in just then the thug on the ground moaned and the one with the gun said hey gee you alright? And Gee moaned.
The thug looked down sand at the same instant I slapped my hand against the pistol hand of the sinner and a shot rang. he looked at me and I told him "Praise the lord for you have received a second chance at salvation." and with great love for my fellow man I lovingly placed one hand at the base of his neck and with the other I began to beat on this fucktard's forehead like it was a wad of bread dough

Gen 18:6
So Abraham hurried into the tent and said to Sarah, “Quick! Take three measures of fine flour, knead it, and make bread.”

The one that was gushing the red life force from his nose blinked the water out of his eyes and charged us both. He got a week right hand punch into my left ear causing the lord's voice to ring, "You sir have been chosen to save these souls, You must save them now or they shall be lost for ever." My hand that was on the neck on the pistol thug arched backwards in the best pimp slap ever slapped against a stupid bitch. The pistol thug dropped to his knees screaming "Oh God Oh god" and I looked upon him and yelled with the voice of god, "There young man you do see the light! Go now to church and tell your pastor that you have been beaten by god himself and that you are to be received into heaven."
The thug that rushed me charged again and I slapped my right hand onto his forehead with such force that he dropped to his knees also and I said," Dear lord please receive this imbecile servant and forgive him for his transgressions." and I brought my right knee to his face. He dropped backward in an awkward heap sputtering red juice and heaving in a primal throaty sound that I can only tell you was tongues.
You see as my knee christened his face the energy of the Holy Ghost filled him and he was imbued with the knowledge of the prophet of the bible.

1Co 14:5
I wish you all spoke in tongues, but even more that you would prophesy. The one who prophesies is greater than the one who speaks in tongues, unless he interprets so that the church may be strengthened.

I can not tell you the wondrous joy I felt as I heard these three sinners find their way to the lord.
The blood and the pain and the love and the joy that was being spilled out there on the sidewalk made them all weep. It was a truly beautiful moment.

You all would be proud and fearful for your pastor that day fro he truly brought the lord's can of whoop ass to those thugs.
I just got the call from their pastor and he wanted to know what I said to them. I told him it was not me it was the lord’s hand that touched them and it was a beautiful thing.
We both wept with joy and happiness from the love that we felt for one another and then I invited him down for a Thursday baptism. He was happy to accept the invitation and if he can still think properly we may start a church boxing league on Mondays.
The kitchen has been serving some mighty fine lunches to the legal residents of this great nation and city. They are in need of food donations and some volunteers. I want to remind you all that time and donations at the church do not go un-noticed and that on Thursdays the gloves change based on time served.
Please respect and show love and compassion in the parking lot today as you all leave.


Amen and god bless.

Make Some Fucking Coffee, You Pussies

Coffee, Office politics, and Strategy


I work on a floor with about 75-100 rats in boxes. 95% of these pussies are IT kinda of fuckers. Some have ponytails(?!?!?!?!?!) how fucking weird and retro is that? Can you imagine you had the same hairstyle sooooo loooong that you thought it came back into style? Then there area couple of freaks that have fish hooks in their lips. Yeah you know the freaks, they look like they fell head first into a tackle box.

Most of these weirdos think they are fringe. But in my day I would have called them all posers.

They walk around like they are the shit. Well fuckers you still need to learn how to make fucking coffee. These bastards think that because they have a fucking pony tail that they do not have to make coffee. I have watched them pull a ¼ cup from two pots so that they did not empty the pot. Oh i have long hair, i have a pony tail, oh i am looking like a hippy from the fucking 60s but i an only 26. I do not have to make coffee. Oh i have a fish hook in my lip, i do not have to make coffee. Oh i am so misunderstood that i have to uglify myself to justify my inability to socialize like a normal fucking human. Oh if you can't like me fro me then you are close minded. But the simple fact is if ice cream smelled like cat shit i would not eat it. If beer tasted like horse piss i would not drink it. If you look like a fucking loser i do not have to talk to you. The same individual choice to look like a loser is the same individual choice to think that you are a faggot and you have nothing offer except a reason to slow down in the parking garage if i feel like like it.

So now here is the lesson bitches. The strategy is to make the coffee so terrible but tolerable enough for you that you can drink the coffee but they can not. They will have to make their own coffee or drink something that is too strong for their little kiddie tummies.

ah fuck it! they would not get it as the whole social thing is lost to a bunch of fucking dweebs whose skin only sees the light that comes from their computer monitors and most probably can not have a verbal conversation without a LOL reference.

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