A.B. The pothole man

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A.B. The pothole man....

By Rev. Sleestaxx ....

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A.B. The pothole man walked about with a
stilted jerky gait. Dunno why he just did. Old A.B. Been round for ages. "Since I was a kid 'tleast" would
be pappy's reply when asked how long A.B.'s been fixing potholes.....

.. ..

He was called the pothole man cuz he could be
found fixin’ potholes wet'er he was axe'd to or not. Be it a ....county.. ..FM....
road, people drive ways or just old pig trails.....

But A.B. Was always fix'n potholes. Sumtimes
he gets a dollar or two from some farmer or cattleman but oftener not he was
not getting a dime for the hole you saw him fillin’ and tampin’.....

.. ..

I dunno what makes him fix one and not
anutter. I know my pappy is always muttering sumtin’ and wave when sees A.B. working
a hole. And curse the devil and A.B. When the ol’ ford would jerk hard and buck
after hitting a big hole in the road. My ol’ pappy be raisin' cane and flood
waters screamin' that weren't there yesterday when we went into town, and where'd
that damn hole come from and Ma would hush him up ‘bout his language saying ....

.. ..

“There weren't no
need of wakin’ the devil up over a hole in the road.”....

.. ..

An' 'den you'd see my pap just grip the wheel tight,
like he was drivin’ more careful but he was just mad and me and ma would share
a smile.....

.. ..

One day me and the two Jenkin’s boys were
hunting squirrels. Jacob and me with our 22s and Jessup with his four ten, down
by the old river bend cemetery. Jacob wasthe youngest, while I was two months
older then him, but I never let ‘em forget who was older. Jacob had stole a
square of his pap’s chewin’ ‘baccy and we was under the shade of a red oak just
hidin' from the sun fer'abit and spitting.....

.. ..

Jessup the oldest leaned in abit like he seen
sometin’ in the woods and then he waved at us to git low. So we did. We knew
better then to make noise when one of us said to git low.....

.. ..

Why one time we was swimming at a river bend
and Jacob told us to git low in the water, we did and we got real deep into the
cypress knees on one side and waited. There came Marie the preacher’s daughter
to the bank on the other side, now she was abit older than Jessup by like three
years which made her a high school graduate but she was still in town to help
her daddy preach. She was real purrty and all the young men in the county were
always trying to impress her dad so they could get a date with her. Always
every Sunday there was a five or eight young men in the front pews of the
church. You never see that unless the preacher has a beautiful daughter.....

.. ..

Why she just walked up to the water and pulled
her dress over her head and jumped into the water. That was the first time I
seen a naked girl. Well aside from my sisters in the tub washing but doin’
count ‘fer ‘nuttin as they was my sisters and all, not real girls. Well We
three boys looked at each other, just our eyes over the water like crocodiles
and we watched Marie swim on her back and dive and she swam like that for like
a half hour. Then she got out of the water and put her dress on and turn to
leave.....

.. ..

But just then she hollered. "Bye boys. And
next time you should come out of hiding and swim with a girl. Not polite to let
me swim alone and you three hide like gators in the knees of the trees like
that." ....

.. ..

But there was no way I was gonna swim with
Marie like that. It was a might embarrassing to be in that condition tat all, let
alone let a girl see that too. ....

.. ..

Well like I said we knew when one of us said
to git low it was ‘fer a reason.....

.. ..

So there was the three of us lying in the wild
hay at the edge of the cemetery trying to see what we was hiding from. And
there was A.B. walking out of the trees and into the cemetery. His stumble
shuffle keeping him slow but he seemed to know where was goin’ ‘cuz he did not
look around, he just walked straight to the back of the plots to a single
marker. He stood there for a bit, and then he knelt like he was saying a prayer
no more'n 100 feet from our spot, and then a smell of rotten eggs came in on a
breeze. Man, I tell you it was so strong my eyes watered up so bad I could
hardly see, but there in the shade of an old pine, by the headstone in broad
daylight a big ol’ plume of smoke rose up and a man in a white sears suit was
standing next to A.B.....

.. ..

The pothole man did not look up and he did not
even budge when the man placed his hand on the roadman's shoulder, A.B. just
stayed there.....

.. ..

We heard the suit guy say "Why you always
come to the same stone?"....

.. ..

"You forgotten already?" asked A.B.....

With a chuckle the
guy in the white suit said, "aAlready? It's been decades my old friend. And
I am a busy man, I can not remember all the mortals I come in contact with. How
is it that you do?"....

.. ..

“This is Eleanor’s place.”....

.. ..

And the suited man got real still for a moment
as if listening to a whisper or a memory had come over him.....

.. ..

You know Baraqiel it is unfair that he let you
come down here and fall in love like you all did. It was unfair for him to turn
away from you all when you got lost.....

.. ..

A.B. Stood so fast it was a blur and pushed
the suited man.....

The suited man just flew back, but he did not
fall, he just came walking back to A.B. Smiling.....

.. ..

A.B. Shouted and it sounded as loud as a
summer thunder storm. "You know nothing my love and devotion. You know
nothing of his purpose for me and why I am here.”....

.. ..

"Look Baraqiel" said the suited man.
"I have some matters I want to discuss with you”....

.. ..

"I want nothing to do with your deals Thammuz."....

.. ..

“Oh, but I think you may Grigori you just
might find it interesting.”....

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“What would you say if I arranged for the
return of your Eleanor and I get him to take you both back?”....

.. ..

“You can not arrange that! Why even try to lie/”
....

.. ..

“I am not a liar dear archangel. I can bring
your precious Eleanor back to you so that you may dance with her again.” And,
at that the ground at A.B.'s feet exploded, grave dirt flying every which way and
there in front of A.B. was a corpse dressed in a wedding gown kinda hanging limp
like a puppet.....

.. ..

A.B. just wailed so loud that the ground shook
and Jacob wet his pants. I weren't ever going to hold it against Jacob wettin’
his pants at that moment, because I did too. But Jessup looked mean and mad. But
we stayed low and quiet.....

.. ..

The dead woman just hung there in the air and
A.B. Just screamed and screamed, then he began to cry as the corpse put out her
arms stiffly. She looked like when a girl is asked to dance.....

.. ..

And weeping A.B. grabbed her in his arms and began
to box step like my parents at family weddings. There weren’t no music only the mean laugh of
the suited man. ....

.. ..

A.B. danced like he had no limp and no stutter
step. He cried something awful and begged the suited man to "Put her
back", "Put her back", but the suited man just laughed at A.B.’s
pleas and begging tears.....

.. ..

And A.B. just lovingly danced with "Eleanor"
and wept, stroking the thin scraggly hair. He looked deep into her eye sockets
muttering something with tears wetting his cheeks and lips.....

.. ..

I dunno what got into Jessup but he got plumb
fire’d up and began crawling away from us. I knew was goin’ to do somethin’ but
did not want nothing to give our hiding spot away so's to protect his little
brother Jacob. Jacob tried to follow but I held Jacob back with a look and a
hand.....

.. ..

Jessup got 200 feet around the side of the cemetery
behind the man in a suit. Me and Jacob was scared for Jessup, but we did not
want to tip our hand either.....

.. ..

Jessup got in a low crouch and sprang like a cougar
at the suited man. Just as the man spun around Jessup brought his gun stock
down on the man’s face. ....

.. ..

It was a thunk so loud and hallow. It would
have killed any other normal man, but the man just stumbled back and Eleanor
fell limp in A.B.'s hands.....

.. ..

“NO!!” Yelled A.B. but Jessup was already
bringing the gun muzzle down and aiming at the man. Then the shot rang out point
blank and we saw something fly off the back of the man’s head. The shot must’ve
blown a hole in his face clean to the back of his head and the man took another
step backwards. Jessup pulled another time on the trigger, but nothing happened,
the gun must’ve jammed. So Jessup dropped the gun and pulled out his ....bowie.... and leaped at the
man like a crazed injun.....

.. ..

The knife was driven to the hilt in his chest
and he laughed. The suited man laughed like it was the funniest thing ever. Jessup
just hung there on the knife staring into the man's face.....

.. ..

A.B. Dropped "Eleanor" into a heap of
bones and wedding dress and moved to the man in the suit.....

.. ..

Jessup let go and dropped to his feet and
began backing up.....

.. ..

“Oh no son you do not get to leave with
allowing my turn.” And Jessup stopped you could tell he did not mean to stop
but he was like froze or something. The suited man looked Jessup up and down.....

.. ..

He reached his hand out.....

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A.B. Screamed NO! Like a thunder clap so loud
and strong my ears rang.....

.. ..

The suited man hesitated and then put his hand
in Jessup’s chest, in his chest, and pull out his heart. I had seen many hearts,
deer hearts, cow hearts, rabbit ....

Hearts, and most assuredly
squirrel hearts, so I know’d that was Jessup’s heart quivering and red in that
strangers hand. Jessup fell to the ground.....

.. ..

Jacob jumped up "leave my brother alone!"
and I popped up right after him and took aim at the suited man. Jacob he fired
his 22 at the suited man taking no real time to aim, but the shot rang true for
there was a twist to the man's head.....

.. ..

He just smiled and raised his hands and Jacob
flew straight up into the sky, so high I could not see him.....

.. ..

I waited for the man to look at me cuz I was
gonna put a shell right in his eye.....

Just then A.B. ran up "Hold, Thammuz do
not damage another innocent mortal here again. Put Eleanor back, restore these
boys, and I shall do all that you ask.”....

.. ..

“You would give up your place as one of the
leaders, you will be no longer a watcher, but a mortal? Cause you know you make
a free will chose like that and he will cast you down.”....

.. ..

“He has already, as I have already made this
decision.”....

.. ..

“You can not trap the others, so this loss is
no greater than when I fell in love with Eleanor. He has turned his back on me,
even now I no longer feel the warmth of his love. I now know the coldness you
and the mortals feel.”....

.. ..

“Alright so be it, you will finish your days
here as a pothole man and the boys will live.” And at that he flung the heart
back into Jessup and Jacob feel from the sky.....

.. ..

He landed with such crash that there was a
hole in the ground a foot deep.....

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Jacob got up like nothing had happened; Jessup
got up and looked at us. ....

.. ..

I looked at A.B. but he was gone and so was
the stranger in the white suit. Eleanor’s grave looked like nothing had
happened.....

.. ..

I tried to tell them what happened but they
insist that we all fell asleep and I dreamed it ‘cause they do not remember any
of it. They say it must’ve been the ‘baccy that made me sick.....

.. ..

Now when I see A.B., he looks older, slower,
and sadder. But he smiles when he sees me and I am sad ‘fer him, but I am glad
he saved us that day.....

Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

Also reading

With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

Behold! I Have Come To Kick Your Ass! By Rev. J. Sleestaxx

John 1:1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was fully God. 1:2 The Word was with God in the beginning. 1:3 All things were created by him, and apart from him not one thing was created that has been created. 1:4 In him was life, and the life was the light of mankind. 1:5 And the light shines on in the darkness, but the darkness has not mastered it.

A year ago I was asked to step into this church and speak. The congregation was 20 at most and they were mostly older women and a old man or two that has since passed on.
I began my first sermon using the sermon from John Edwards "Sinners in the hands of an angry god".
I spoke with passion and fervor. I woke some people up in the middle when I began to stomp and bang when I wanted to make a point.
Then the word started to spread. I began to tell about how I knew what it was like in the real world and the tests that put to you all. I spoke about how god did not want you all to be weak he wanted you to stand up and be men or women, but regardless stand up for yourselves. Take what is yours be assertive because the world is changing.
I had an old woman or two tell me that they were scared to leave their house because of the drug dealers. But now they were more scared of me and not showing up then they were of the thugs on their street.

John 1:6 A man came, sent from God, whose name was John. 1:7 He came as a witness to testify about the light, so that everyone might believe through him. 1:8 He himself was not the light, but he came to testify about the light. 1:9 The true light, who gives light to everyone, was coming into the world. 1:10 He was in the world, and the world was created by him, but the world did not recognize him. 1:11 He came to what was his own, but his own people did not receive him. 1:12 But to all who have received him – those who believe in his name – he has given the right to become God’s children 1:13 – children not born by human parents or by human desire or a husband’s decision, but by God.

I went to their houses and I beat the pimps and the drug dealers into believing they were going to hell. They began to come to church and the church helped them to find honest work. The church helped when the church needed to and when the church could.
The women began to tell of how much nicer the neighborhoods became when the lord took the evil off the street.
The evil that did not see the light did not stay around very long.
I heard one say they had never seen a man be so lucky that did not carry a gun.

Deu 32:26
“I said, ‘I want to cut them in pieces. I want to make people forget they ever existed.

Deu 32:27
But I fear the reaction of their enemies, for their adversaries would misunderstand and say, “Our power is great, and the Lord has not done all this!”’

Deu 32:28
They are a nation devoid of wisdom, and there is no understanding among them.

Deu 32:29
I wish that they were wise and could understand this, and that they could comprehend what will happen to them.”

Rodney "The Rod" Smith
You all remember him right??
Yeah he was the one that came to church to challenge me and he brought that Mac 10.
Do you all remember how he began to fire at me during one of my sermons and how every single bullet just disappeared the moment it left the barrel?

Deu 32:30
How can one man chase a thousand of them, and two pursue ten thousand; unless their Rock had delivered them up, and the Lord had handed them over?

Deu 32:31
For our enemies’ rock is not like our Rock, as even our enemies concede.

Do you remember the fear in his eyes when realized that the bullets were disappearing and I was coming down from the dais toward him? His posse began to shoot too and they just made noise as their bullets vaporized.
Man that was classic, he stood there locked kneed staring at me as the bullets never touched me.
And when I struck the gun from his hand with my bible, the gun made of hardened steel and carbon fiber, shattered into a million pieces.
And then I brought the bible down on his head and he fell back wailing in tongues.
His boys all fell to their knees screaming ‘how they were sorry and that’ “oh please god forgive us.”
Our congregation double that day and has increased by 10 people every Sunday since.
The crime rate in the neighbor hood has dropped and the word on the street is that god is looking over this 40 block area himself.

Deu 32:32
For their vine is from the stock of Sodom, and from the fields of Gomorrah. Their grapes contain venom, their clusters of grapes are bitter.

Deu 32:33
Their wine is snakes’ poison, the deadly venom of cobras.

Deu 32:34
“Is this not stored up with me?” says the Lord, “Is it not sealed up in my storehouses?

These thugs, pimps, and crooked policemen, and players are all worshiping false gods and false idols. They have not seen what real power can do. they can not see the lord for they are too blinded by the lies and deceit that is the drugs they do and the money they hoard.
They are too busy worrying about how to hold their place and get more, then to see the damage they are causing to the neighborhood.
The whores all believe they are innocents and their crime is a victimless crime but they do not see the rage that is god’s anger from their misdeeds. The thugs, crooked cops and Politian’s all want to be in power. They fight and kill and cheat and rob to gain power but only god can give them true power.
Just as god gave me the power walk through Rodney's bullets he gives you all the power to stand up for what is yours.
Just as he gave me the power to thump the word of god into the two cops that ran the drug rings right in front of the church. He gives you al the power to say no to the heathens that want to take what is yours away from you.
Those cops were dealing drugs right out of their squad car.
Those two tried to arrest me when I beat their runner with my bible when I caught him stealing from the basket that one Sunday.

Yeah DO NOT FUCKING STEAL FROM THE CHURCH AS I WILL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!
They rolled up on me began to push me around and say they were going have to take me down town for questioning. I beat the shit out of them, before they could even bring out their taser. They said they were sorry and that they would no longer be dealing drugs.
I even made them clean up their own blood.
The lord wants you to stand up for yourself. Take what is yours, do not let some heathen take something from you. Do not let an opportunity pass that you could have thumped some Jesus into some sinner.

Deu 32:35
I will get revenge and pay them back at the time their foot slips; for the day of their disaster is near, and the impending judgment is rushing upon them!”

Deu 32:36
The Lord will judge his people, and will change his plans concerning his servants; when he sees that their power has disappeared, and that no one is left, whether confined or set free.

Deu 32:37
He will say, “Where are their gods, the rock in whom they sought security,

After the beatings ask them where is their god? And why did their god fail them? Tell them that their god is a pussy and their god is no match for your god and that any time anywhere your god will go toe to toe with their fucked up watered down version of a god.
Tell them God kicked Satan’s ass, god kicked your ass. And ask, “Who’s god has the better kung fu bitch?”
Yeah that is right!
Now remember sometimes the beatings must be done a couple times as the poor soul you are saving could be too blinded from the lies and deceit but eventually they will come around and they will see the light that is god's word and god's love.

Deu 32:38
who ate the best of their sacrifices, and drank the wine of their drink offerings? Let them

Deu 6:5
You must love the Lord your God with your whole mind, your whole being, and all your strength. rise and help you; let them be your refuge!

I beat therefore I am. I whip your ass in the name of god. I beat the sinners down and tattoo the word "Holy Bible" into the foreheads of the unwashed and the filthy sinners of our time.
Just as each generation of insect becomes immune to pesticide so does the sinner to god’s word. God’s word needs to be stronger every day. There is no limit to the strength and love that god has for all of his children.
Remember that and you will be better at beating the shit out of and the word into all of the sinners of the world the more you love god and the more you love and stand up for your self.
I believe that if we all bring this to our work and we bring this to the voting booths and we let the godless bastards that are our bosses know that we will no longer be meek and we will no longer be sheep shepherded by wolves. That we will now fight back and take what is ours we will have a better chance of surviving the rough and tough roads that lay ahead.
I hear that some of the married men may be taking the assistance of the single mothers too far. I am sure that this is not the case and I am sure that the married women that think this will realize their mistakes.
But should this rumor turn out to be true believe me there will be some serious ass kicking happening.
The sewing circle is holding crotchet classes fro the teen girls. they say all girls should know how to mend and sew and crotchet before they are to be married. So girls I think that you can give up one night of training to learn a more feminine skill.
I would like to say that the drug tests came back as well as the chromosome tests came back.
It appears that the girls champion is in deed a girl and has been beating the shit out of the boys for many weeks.
But I have it on good authority that this Friday will be the turning point for the boys as they have a secret weapon that has been training in secret and is ready to rumble. Come out Friday to see the boys lose or the boys take back the trophy.
No cookies, no coffee, no fucking dunking donuts, as you all can not behave in the parking lot.
Go home and think of a way to apologize to me and your neighbor.

Amen

Panhandling the lord By Rev. J. Sleestaxx

I was in the corner store to buy some beer and chips. While I was in the store a bum had walked in. The bum looked at me and said hey father help brother out. I looked him in the eye and “If I was your father I could not be your brother unless I had incestuous relations with my mother"

Deu 27:22
‘Cursed is the one who has sexual relations with his sister, the daughter of either his father or mother.’ Then all the people will say, ‘Amen!’

There are many of you all that know that just could not be possible given the ill will and hatred that my mother brings out
No no padre that is not what I meant.
Hey you get out of my store. The clerk jabbered at the bum I told you to stay away. You have no money and you are just looking to steal from me.
I looked at the bum and I asked, “Is that true?”
Do you steal from this man??
The bum looked at me with embarrassment and nodded.

Jer 7:9
You steal. You murder. You commit adultery. You lie when you swear on oath. You sacrifice to the god Baal. You pay allegiance to other gods whom you have not previously known.

Oba 1:5
“If thieves came to rob you during the night, they would steal only as much as they wanted! If grape pickers came to harvest your vineyards, they would leave some behind for the poor! But you will be totally destroyed!

“Sir do not steal from this man any more. Are you a citizen of this country??”
He nodded
I said, “Then good come by the church tonight and every night for the next week and we will feed you.”
“But father it is not food or shelter that I steal it is liquor.

Hos 4:18
They consume their alcohol, then engage in cult prostitution; they dearly love their shameful behavior.

“Sir I can not help you with your liquor problem. Only you and god can conquer.
You have to want to quit to quit.”
He straightened up and began yell at me about how he was a vet and how he served our country and bla bla bla.
I hit him in the eye and he stopped. He stepped to me and I hit him again.
Abdul began to yell and scream, “No John do not do this in here again.”
The other people looked at the clerk and then looked at me.
The bum stepped up and I clocked him so hard he fell back. I stepped up and thumped him again with the spine of my bible across the bridge of his nose he fell out the doors and the clerk was just yelling and yelling.
The lady at the counter to buy the lotto tickets started screaming for Abdul to make a call to the police and he looked at her then me and just put up his hands.
The lady grabbed her cell and I leapt back at her, took the phone and said, “There is no need for the police as I am a man of the cloth and I answer to a higher law that what the donut moochers represent.”

Exo 24:12
1 The Lord said to Moses, “Come up to me to the mountain and remain there, and I will give you the stone tablets with the law and the commandments that I have written, so that you may teach them.”

She looked at me and the will of god just washed over her and she wet herself right there.
I turned back the vagabond and he was just starting to come around and walk to the door. I kicked the doors with such force that the swung wide into the hobo's face and the glass shattered
The bum began to cry and whimper but not in an apologetic way just a frustrated little kid way.
“Sir, do you repent and ask the lord to fill your heart with his love and to take the desire to drink away from you?”
“Why are you hitting me?”
And I brought the bible down on his head.
“Sir, do you not see the errors of your ways and the path to the gift of everlasting life? are you not at the cross roads yet?”
“I just wanted some money for a bottle of wine.”
“No sir that is not the way to go and I brought my foot to his thigh.”

Eze 26:10
He will cover you with the dust kicked up by his many horses. Your walls will shake from the noise of the horsemen, wheels, and chariots when he enters your gates like those who invade through a city’s broken walls.

“He yelped and asked for a drink.”
There was a young man also in the store and he came out and placed his hand on my shoulder.
“Reverend you need to stop.”
“Young man if you know anything about how the real world works, you know that this man is in trouble and I am trying to reach him.”

Exo 7:4
Pharaoh will not listen to you. I will reach into Egypt and bring out my regiments, my people the Israelites, from the land of Egypt with great acts of judgment.

Deu 4:28
There you will worship gods made by human hands – wood and stone that can neither see, hear, eat, nor smell.

“His god is his drink. It is the drink that he worships and it is a false idol that he needs to let look away from.”
“He must,” and I kicked him two more times, but he just sat there like a child throwing a fit. “Give up the drink” I told the young man and I brought the bible down on the top of his head.

Deu 5:27
You go near so that you can hear everything the Lord our God is saying and then you can tell us whatever he says to you; then we will pay attention and do it.”

“I must help him now” and the you man grabbed my arm I brought the bible spine across his nose and he stepped back.
The hobo was crying now and asking for god to help him
You see I said loudly he is beginning to see the path to righteousness.
“Man are you willing to give up the drink and accept the churches help?”
“Yes father yes please do not beat me anymore.”

Deu 13:17
You must not take for yourself anything that has been placed under judgment. Then the Lord will relent from his intense anger, show you compassion, have mercy on you, and multiply you as he promised your ancestors.

Jer 12:15
But after I have uprooted the people of those nations, I will relent and have pity on them. I will restore the people of each of those nations to their own lands and to their own country.

“Then get thee to the church down the street and tell them the reverend Sleestaxx sent you. They will take care of you.”
The young man looked horrified at me. He was still holding his nose.
“For a priest you sure are a fucker!”
“What do you mean kid?”
“You did not have to beat that man.”
“No I did”
“He was stealing and he was worshiping the drink and he forgot his way.”
“I had to show him back the right path. I had to get past the drink and the years of self loathing so that he could hear the words of the lord.”

Num 12:6
The Lord said, “Hear now my words: If there is a prophet among you, I the Lord will make myself known to him in a vision; I will speak with him in a dream.

“No you are a bully and you shoved your religion down his throat.”
“No he asked for help.”

Exo 22:23
If you afflict them in any way and they cry to me, I will surely hear their cry,

“I gave it to him. He said help a brother out.”
“That is not what he meant.”
“No that is exactly what he meant. If he wanted what you say he wanted he would have asked you or the nice lady in there instead.”
“The lord put him in the store at that time for him to meet me. The lord has plans for that man. I know because the god speaks to me even now.”

Exo 19:9
The Lord said to Moses, “I am going to come to you in a dense cloud, so that the people may hear when I speak with you and so that they will always believe in you.” And Moses told the words of the people to the Lord.

“No you are wrong.”
“Ok young man, are you asking for the lord to talk to you also?”
“Oh like you could get me to see your god.”
“I brought the bible down on the top of his young head.”
“He is your god too young man do you not hear and see him yet?”
“What the fuck?”
“Wrong answer” and I brought the bible down again and he dropped to his knees and began to cover up.

Zec 3:5
Then I spoke up, “Let a clean turban be put on his head.” So they put a clean turban on his head and clothed him, while the angel of the Lord stood nearby.

I brought the bible down again and he cried out "oh my god" "Oh my god"
“There you are beginning to see now aren't you punk.”
And I began to just drop the bible down on his head over and over again.
He asked me to stop and I did.
There son, do you see the light?
“Yes father I do see.” He sobbed, “How could I have missed this for so long?”
“The lord has us out here for a reason.”

Mat 10:8
Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse lepers, cast out demons. Freely you received, freely give.

“I will see you in church on Sunday young man.”
“Yes father, you will.”
“On Thursday you can try to have a rematch you want.”
“Will you be using the bible?”
“No just the boxing gloves”
“Then it is a date old man.”
I helped him to his feet. And I already showed him the way.
I went back to the store where the older lady was standing there with her mouth open.
“Ma'am do you know the lord?”
She nodded and I gave back her cell phone.
She left and I looked to Abdul.
“John, what about my door? It is broken.”
“Abdul you know I will fix the door I have always fixed the door in past right?”
“Yes.”
“John your-no er ah.... god is very powerful, isn't he?”
“Abdul I know you do not believe in the same messiah. But until you ask for help in finding the way I can not help you. You may find the way on another path that does not need my counsel.”
“Abdul call the glass people and tell them to bill the church they know the routine and so do you. I am tired and I want to go home.”

Deu 25:18
How they met you along the way and cut off all your stragglers in the rear of the march when you were exhausted and tired; they were unafraid of God.

2Sa 17:29
Honey, curds, flocks, and cheese. For they said, “The people are no doubt hungry, tired, and thirsty there in the desert.”

“Everyone I would like you all too welcome Scott and Patrick.”
“Come on let have a big hello and round of applause. I want them to feel welcomed and at home.”
Scott will be helping the single mothers group with their chores and Patrick will be in need of constant counseling until he is dry and confident.
The parking lot was a joy to see last weekend every one taking their time to leave and not honking or yelling. There were no accidents.
Please let us do that again this weekend and every week end from now one.
I will have Patrick work the parking lot detail. he will have the same authority as me and the same baseball bat.
Please stop in the foyer for coffee and cookies. Please congratulate the girls champion again and make sure to stop by the boys and point and laugh as they lost again last Friday night.
I understand it was close....NOT....
Two rounds and the boys' champion taps out. What is that?

Keep your pimp hand strong and go in peace.

Amen

Revivalism in the bathroom. By Rev. J. Sleestaxx

God is everywhere

I was in court today and I could not pass the opportunity to evangelize a little while I was there. I went into the rest room on the 8th floor and I found all the stalls full. At first I thought, ‘What are the chances to find an audience like this.’
So I cleared my throat. And let the lord speak to the captured masses that were there.

I have you all here for a reason. Hear me as I tell you all the gospel of the lord.
You all sit there and contemplate the ideas and plans of men. You ignore the plans of the lord.
The lord told Hosea to marry a prostitute.
Hosea 1:2-1:5 When the Lord first spoke through Hosea, he said to him, “Go marry a prostitute who will bear illegitimate children conceived through prostitution, because the nation continually commits spiritual prostitution by turning away from the Lord.” So Hosea married Gomer, the daughter of Diblaim. Then she conceived and gave birth to a son for him. Then the Lord said to Hosea, “Name him ‘Jezreel,’ because in a little while I will punish the dynasty of Jehu on account of the bloodshed in the valley of Jezreel, and I will put an end to the kingdom of Israel. At that time, I will destroy the military power of Israel in the valley of Jezreel.”
Hosea married the prostitute, fathered a child and named the child as the lord has said to.
The lord has told you all to help your fellow man. But do you help your fellow man? No you think of devious and deceptive was to take advantage of man and god's children. You lawyers and judges and tax collectors you all forget gods way, gods love and gods plan for all of man kind. You all fleece the poor as if they are your sheep. Nay they are not your sheep they are the lord’s sheep for he is their Sheppard.
You not only steal; from god but you ignore his word.
Shame on you all and shame on your families. Shame that you reap from the sadness and despair of the weak and shame on you for you oppress and provide no relief for the poor.
You are heads of your community and you provide nothing back to the community.

Hosea 1:6-1:9 she conceived again and gave birth to a daughter. Then the Lord said to him, “Name her ‘No Pity’ (Lo-Ruhamah) because I will no longer have pity on the nation of Israel. For I will certainly not forgive their guilt. But I will have pity on the nation of Judah. I will deliver them by the Lord their God; I will not deliver them by the warrior’s bow, by sword, by military victory, by chariot horses, or by chariots.” When she had weaned ‘No Pity’ (Lo-Ruhamah) she conceived again and gave birth to another son.

Then the Lord said: “Name him ‘Not My People’ (Lo-Ammi), because you are not my people and I am not your God.”

Hosea did as the lord asked even though it was humiliating to him. He fathered a second child so that the lord could show his anger for the land of Israel because Israel had forgotten god’s word and god's plan.
They had strayed and became large in their own minds and thought they were beyond god's law just as you all think you are above the lord and above the other children of god.

[Kicking the wall of a stall] Repent now!
[Kicking the wall of a stall] NOW!
[Kicking the wall of a stall] I can not hear you!
[Kicking the wall of a stall] You are all going to hell and you will all burn for eternity

It is the community that carried you to here. It is community that welcomes your children and you wives and mistresses. You are all false men. You are all sad and I weep for you and your future

Jer 22:3
The Lord says, “Do what is just and right. Deliver those who have been robbed from those who oppress them. Do not exploit or mistreat foreigners who live in your land, children who have no fathers, or widows. Do not kill innocent people in this land.

A toilet flushes and I exit.

Zombies and The Lord By Rev J. Sleestaxx

This being the Halloween week I thought a bit of Halloween bible would be appropriate.
So we will talk about what the bible has to say about zombies and cannibalism. But first is it cannibalism for a zombie to eat the living.
To eat the corpses of the dead is called Necrophagy. And cannibalism is the killing and eating of the same species. The bible states that this is practiced in the past.

Lam 4:10 The hands of tenderhearted women cooked their own children, who became their food, when my people were destroyed.

WOW their own children that is harsh. But you got to do what you got to do.

John 6:54 The one who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day.

The bible also speaks of zombies. Celebrating Zombies even;

Isa 26:19
Your dead will come back to life; your corpses will rise up. Wake up and shout joyfully, you who live in the ground! For you will grow like plants drenched with the morning dew, and the earth will bring forth its dead spirits.

Wow even the lord and god believe that the dead are allowed to come back and walk and dance and sing. Although zombie purists would say that true zombies can not articulate at all. But the bible's zombies can shout joyfully about being a zombie and grow like plants.
It would appear that being a zombie would be a state in which one would be happy about.

The bible also speaks about feeding zombies and zombie residency.

Deu 14:21
You may not eat any corpse, though you may give it to the resident foreigner who is living in your villages and he may eat it, or you may sell it to a foreigner.

So I guess that if you are a zombie you are no longer a resident of your country. I would guess that that would make sense and that you would automatically become a member of the zombie nation. the lord loves everyone so i imagine that when Jesus died and then became a zombie it was also for the salvation of the undead also.

1Cor 15:29 Otherwise, what will those do who are baptized for the dead? If the dead are not raised at all, then why are they baptized for them?

Mat 22:13 Then the king said to his attendants, ‘Tie him up hand and foot and throw him into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth!’ 22:14 For many are called, but few are chosen.”

For one to be "thrown to zombies", sounds to me, to be a celebrated position and one that should relished and a position of pride and stature.
I would think that this is because at some point in the feeding you are now a zombie too and the other zombies stop eating you and then you begin to look for live flesh to consume.

John 6:55 For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink.

The bible even speaks of a whole city of undead.

Eze 11:6
You have killed many people in this city; you have filled its streets with corpses.

Can you imagine the film prospects and television shows that could be generated from a city like this today? There could be a competition reality show of contestants having to navigate though a city of zombies with out becoming one for cash and prizes. All the prizes you obtained could be given to your loved ones should you not make it!

Deu 25:5
If brothers live together and one of them dies without having a son, the dead man’s wife must not remarry someone outside the family. Instead, her late husband’s brother must go to her, marry her, and perform the duty of a brother-in-law.

You could have a MTV real life in Zombieville and the dysfunctional teenagers can fornicate and drink to excess and sin in zombie town. They can have the sinners of the show date some of the zombies. They should not mind since the bible protects them from marring the zombies.

Luk 20:35
But those who are regarded as worthy to share in that age and in the resurrection from the dead neither marry nor are given in marriage.

The sinners and felons in prison who worry about the injection being too painful can be thrown into zombie city. There they can carve out an existence with the undead until they succumb to the ways of the zombie. This would take care of the prison problem, and the zombie feeding problem that would arise.

Eze 39:18
You will eat the flesh of warriors and drink the blood of the princes of the earth – the rams, lambs, goats, and bulls, all of them fattened animals of Bashan.

I could also see the nut cases starting a zombie advocacy group saying the television shows and movies were taking advantage of the zombies and that someone had to speak for them since they can only say brains.
I would imagine this city of zombies is not unlike the malls in the movies, You know where the mall is filled with zombies looking for more flesh and brains to consume. Why the mall?? I personally would try to get away from the rest of the zombie pack and maybe hide in the bushes by like the IRS office. Then I would leap out and grab the auditors as they came by.

No one knows why living flesh is needed but zombies have needed living flesh since the dawn of time. There must be something in the flesh that appeals to zombies. But the bible states that living flesh is indeed needed by zombies.

John 6:53 Jesus said to them, “I tell you the solemn truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in yourselves.

To eat the flesh of the son of man is to give life. So both life and a zombie state is talked about in the bible as being a state one would not mind being in.

But the bible also has instructions on how to kill a zombie. This was written before the shotgun was invented to blow the heads off of fucking bad zombies.
I say bad zombies because I can not think of a reason why the lord would instruct in how to kill a zombie after speaking so highly of the creation and care of zombies. But how to kill a zombie is also talked about.

So I will say these instructions are fro a time when there was only one way to kill a sinning zombie.

Jdg 4:21 Then Jael wife of Heber took a tent peg in one hand and a hammer in the other. She crept up on him, drove the tent peg through his temple into the ground.

The bible also speaks of the living eating zombies and the dead. I can imagine during war and great famines when the lord was angry, that his people would need to eat something and eating the dead and the evil sinners that entered you city or domicile would make complete sense to me and the lord.

Eze 11:7
Therefore, this is what the sovereign Lord says: ‘The corpses you have dumped in the midst of the city are the meat, and this city is the cooking pot.

To be sure that your in fact dealing with a zombie and to be sure that anyone who has comein contact with a zombie is not or is a zombie the bible also leave provisions or a test when one comes in contact with a zombie.

Num 19:11
“‘Whoever touches the corpse of any person will be ceremonially unclean seven days.

I imagine that 7 days is a sufficient time to be sure that the zombie infection has not taken a hold of you. So if you are in a situation where you think that a loved one has been in contact with a zombie you must keep them away for 7 days. if after 7 days they are showing sign of zombie ism then you may break bread and have them in your domicile.

There was a time in history that the lord created 185 thousand zombies over night. I am willing to bet that this was around Halloween.

Isa 37:36
The Lord’s messenger went out and killed 185,000 troops in the Assyrian camp. When they got up early the next morning, they were all corpses!

Now did he bring them back after Halloween? The bible does not say so. But I can imagine that it would suck to wake up and be dead.
Maybe we will find out on the morning of the 31st. Maybe the lord will turn us all into the undead for Halloween. We can wake up dead on one day and wake up alive on the next. We will all have a better appreciation for being alive after being dead for a day.
Plus I bet you can get a free personal day from work if you can say that you were dead.
So when the 31st rolls around do not be surprised if you wake up dead. Do not be surprised by the dead knocking at your door. And be mindful of the malls during this time also.
The church will be offering candy at a Halloween fair for the kids since there are too many fucking freaks out there. If you do not want to risk taking your wonderful devils witches angels and movies heroes out in the neighborhood bring them on down to the fair.
We will have a haunted house, a jumping thingy and we will also have a marathon boxing lesson for any of the kids.
The street evangelizing has been very successful and we have beat the lord into many of the thugs and sinners in the city over the past month.
We have had a large turnout in the applications for deaconship and I would like to announce that the first female deacon has been accepted.
Please welcome Shannon Lark as the first female deacon. I am sure that you will all make her feel welcome.
Please find the time to stop in the foyer and welcome slash congratulate her on the position

Making tomorrow better by baptizing them today

Making tomorrow better by baptizing them today.
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx


I am taking the love of the baptism to the streets and I am beating god's word into the youth of today to make a better tomorrow.

Hosea 4

4:1 Hear the word of the Lord, you Israelites!
For the Lord has a covenant lawsuit against the people of Israel.
For there is neither faithfulness nor loyalty in the land,
nor do they acknowledge God.

You can not go through life ignoring God and God's will. To do so will evoke a lawsuit from God himself against you in the highest court of courts.
I am here to represent you in that trial. And that is why I have Baptismal Beatings every Thursday. You are supposed to come down to the rectory, confess your transgressions while I box your ears in. You are suppose to fight back because God Only helps those that help themselves and well how am I to get better if you act the pussy and not fight back. You will not win. You will get the crap beat out of you but you will have your sins atoned and your penance will be noted in the "Big Book".

Sam 22:39
I wipe them out and beat them to death; they cannot get up; they fall at my feet.
Like Balaam in Numbers

Num 22:23
And the donkey saw the angel of the Lord standing in the road with his sword drawn in his hand, so the donkey turned aside from the road and went into the field. But Balaam beat the donkey, to make her turn back to the road.

god and the lord have given me the power to beat you all who need it. They also command the beatings to occur

Luk 12:47
That servant who knew his master’s will but did not get ready or do what his master asked will receive a severe beating.

Hosea 4
4:2 There is only cursing, lying, murder, stealing, and adultery.
They resort to violence and bloodshed.

4:3 Therefore the land will mourn,
and all its inhabitants will perish.
The wild animals, the birds of the sky,
and even the fish in the sea will perish.

god and the lord have stated that these things shall come to pass and the news have proven that these things are happening today. There are animals and fish that go extinct everyday.

The time is at hand are you going to hell for the crimes you have committed or would you rather have representation and receive the gift of eternal bliss?
I feel the need to save everyone I come into contact with that I have begun to take my baptismal to the street. I now believe the time to beat god into every stupid sinner I find.
Why just the other day I was walking to the store and I passed some teenage boys. Now we have all seen these fucking morons, you know the pants too big and balanced on the ass displaying the brown shit stain in their underwear. Well they passed me and one stated that I should watch where I am going and bumped into my shoulder and pressed me into the wall of the building.
I jumped back and stated that the lord has placed you on the path to savior and that they are about to see the lord god himself.
They laughed and asked me what the hell I was talking about?
I told them they are about to received some joyous love from the angry lord and I punched one in the nose. His nose sort of flattened and then began to gush the red liquid of life onto the white tee shirt he was wearing.
He cried "Oh God what the hell was that for?"
I turned to his other two friends who were clearly confused by the swiftness of the warrior standing before them.
I spoke "See your friend is already beginning to see the lord and is now beginning the healing of their relationship by speaking to him now!" and I round house kick the nearest stupid thug and he dropped, after my heel thumped the juggler vein in his neck.
His third partner in stupidity snapped to and pulled out a gun and said “I do not know drugs you have that make you think you are super but I have your kryptonite right here bitch!"
I out stretched my hands and said, "Son the lord only wants you all back into the fold" and I stepped in just then the thug on the ground moaned and the one with the gun said hey gee you alright? And Gee moaned.
The thug looked down sand at the same instant I slapped my hand against the pistol hand of the sinner and a shot rang. he looked at me and I told him "Praise the lord for you have received a second chance at salvation." and with great love for my fellow man I lovingly placed one hand at the base of his neck and with the other I began to beat on this fucktard's forehead like it was a wad of bread dough

Gen 18:6
So Abraham hurried into the tent and said to Sarah, “Quick! Take three measures of fine flour, knead it, and make bread.”

The one that was gushing the red life force from his nose blinked the water out of his eyes and charged us both. He got a week right hand punch into my left ear causing the lord's voice to ring, "You sir have been chosen to save these souls, You must save them now or they shall be lost for ever." My hand that was on the neck on the pistol thug arched backwards in the best pimp slap ever slapped against a stupid bitch. The pistol thug dropped to his knees screaming "Oh God Oh god" and I looked upon him and yelled with the voice of god, "There young man you do see the light! Go now to church and tell your pastor that you have been beaten by god himself and that you are to be received into heaven."
The thug that rushed me charged again and I slapped my right hand onto his forehead with such force that he dropped to his knees also and I said," Dear lord please receive this imbecile servant and forgive him for his transgressions." and I brought my right knee to his face. He dropped backward in an awkward heap sputtering red juice and heaving in a primal throaty sound that I can only tell you was tongues.
You see as my knee christened his face the energy of the Holy Ghost filled him and he was imbued with the knowledge of the prophet of the bible.

1Co 14:5
I wish you all spoke in tongues, but even more that you would prophesy. The one who prophesies is greater than the one who speaks in tongues, unless he interprets so that the church may be strengthened.

I can not tell you the wondrous joy I felt as I heard these three sinners find their way to the lord.
The blood and the pain and the love and the joy that was being spilled out there on the sidewalk made them all weep. It was a truly beautiful moment.

You all would be proud and fearful for your pastor that day fro he truly brought the lord's can of whoop ass to those thugs.
I just got the call from their pastor and he wanted to know what I said to them. I told him it was not me it was the lord’s hand that touched them and it was a beautiful thing.
We both wept with joy and happiness from the love that we felt for one another and then I invited him down for a Thursday baptism. He was happy to accept the invitation and if he can still think properly we may start a church boxing league on Mondays.
The kitchen has been serving some mighty fine lunches to the legal residents of this great nation and city. They are in need of food donations and some volunteers. I want to remind you all that time and donations at the church do not go un-noticed and that on Thursdays the gloves change based on time served.
Please respect and show love and compassion in the parking lot today as you all leave.


Amen and god bless.