Umpiring and the lord By Rev. J. Sleestaxx


A hungry Fox saw some fine bunches of Grapes hanging from a vine that was trained along a high trellis, and did his best to reach them by jumping as high as he could into the air. But it was all in vain, for they were just out of reach: so he gave up trying, and walked away with an air of dignity and unconcern, remarking, "I thought those Grapes were ripe, but I see now they are quite sour."

Our society is falling apart. We are generating legions of whiners and cry babies. Our children are learning that it is better to blame someone for their failures than to accept that some fucking work needs to be done to accomplish anything.

Mark 16:16 The one who believes and is baptized will be saved, but the one who does not believe will be condemned. 16:17 These signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new languages; 16:18 they will pick up snakes with their hands, and whatever poison they drink will not harm them; they will place their hands on the sick and they will be well.”

I umpired eleven softball games this weekend. I step onto the field knowing that there will be a sinner that hates me and a coach that loves me. This I know. I will never make a call that both teams will like. From the first outside pitch that I did not see over the plate to the check swing that I called a swing I had this fucking asshole on my back.

Psa 57:4 I am surrounded by lions; I lie down among those who want to devour me; men whose teeth are spears and arrows, whose tongues are a sharp sword.

Rev 9:8 They had hair like women’s hair, and their teeth were like lions’ teeth.

They say terrible terrible things. They attack my character. They attack my integrity they say mean hurtful things. Why do they do that, because they have to blame someone for their short comings and failures?

They are failing and they can not say "I met someone that plays better than me." They accuse me of conspiring and they say I have picked a favorite when I walked onto the field.

2Pe 2:13 suffering harm as the wages for their harmful ways. By considering it a pleasure to carouse in broad daylight, they are stains and blemishes, indulging in their deceitful pleasures when they feast together with you.

In reality I do not even think about which team is at bat and which team is ahead. My focus is on the zone. Or my focus is on the feet and hands and the ball.

That is all I do, not even know which coach is bitching half the time. But..........


Sometimes one fucker gets up under my skin and festers too fast for even the lord to give me patients. These are the worst of the worst these are the ones that came onto the field looking for a reason to bitch at me. I almost can tell you at the plate meeting who the fucker is going to be.

Tit 3:11 You know that such a person is twisted by sin and is conscious of it himself.

Gen 37:26 Then Judah said to his brothers, “What profit is there if we kill our brother and cover up his blood?

And I will say, Yes I am able to make a mistake now and again. I even know when I made the mistake and I try to correct it.
I was at the plate and it was long day. And their girl could not put the ball over the plate no matter how hard {{I}} Tried to see the outside corner she was not there.

Luk 8:14 As for the seed that fell among thorns, these are the ones who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by the worries and riches and pleasures of life, and their fruit does not mature.

The coach was whining and bitching something fierce. At one point he stepped up to pretended to clean his shoes and said that my strike zone sucked.
I smiled as nice as I could and said "OK if you say so"

He said "I do say so".

I said "Aright then let us continue the game."

He said "No blue your zone is terrible"



So you want to forfeit and not continue the game?

I did not say that.

Well actually you did. You see I said lets continue the game and you said no blue your zone is terrible.
That was not what I meant.
I am sorry but you need to get into the dug out cause we are about to start the next inning

Psa 43:1 Vindicate me, O God! Fight for me against an ungodly nation! Deliver me from deceitful and evil men!

Some more grousing, chirping, bitchin’, and crying.
He the bitchy coach walks up and asks where was the first strike?
Where is this conversation going?
Just tell me where the first strike was...down the middle?
Yeah sure where is the point of this conversation?
you do not know
No I do not understand the point of the conversation so it the conversation is over.
He goes and begins to make a production of telling everybody I do not remember the last 20 pitches in order and he does.

Pro 30:31 a strutting rooster, a male goat, and a king with his army around him.

Pro 12:5 The plans of the righteous are just; the counsels of the wicked are deceitful.

Finally I here "he sucks"
I call time and I motion for the coach to step over to me.
I say "Coach to stop being a dummy head."
He looks at me and says what?
Coach you are making as dummy head of your self and you are embarrassing your team because of your retarded act. Stop it now or you will be in the parking lot blue there is only 10 minutes left.
No you do not understand. I was told not to throw anybody out. So if I do, you had to have been a real ass. And I will make sure that the director knows what an ass you were.
You can not do that!
Yes I can and I have twice before.
I am not saying that I am special and I carry any special power I am just saying that if I toss a coach today it means that that coach was way too out of control. Every umpire scheduler knows that I am too nice and I am too easy when it comes to tossing.
Do I make my self clear?
Yes sir.

Psa 35:17 O Lord, how long are you going to just stand there and watch this? Rescue me from their destructive attacks; guard my life from the young lions

Then on another game I had an obstruction call. batter runner reaches first base and bumps into the first baseman and drops down a bit. I noticed that the first baseman has been forcing a wide turn by stepping into the track of the runner.
I throw out the delayed dead ball and protect the runner to second.
The defensive coach calls time and comes out.
Are you telling me that you think the runner would have been safe had she not collided with first baseman?
Yeah sure that is what I am saying.
There is no way she would have made it to the base.
She would not have made it!
Uh Ok but my call stands.
No she would not have made it!
Uh ok.
I want to talk to your partner.
Uh OK. (Long pause as he turns and takes a step) But it is my call and I am not asking for any help.
He is crushed. And slumps
That is a terrible call to be making this late in the game

Well sir had there been contact sooner the call would have been made sooner.

Rev 9:17 Now this is what the horses and their riders looked like in my vision: The riders had breastplates that were fiery red, dark blue, and sulfurous yellow in color. The heads of the horses looked like lions’ heads, and fire, smoke, and sulfur came out of their mouths.
I am in the parking lot changing between games from plate to field. Two more games.
And a dad passes by.

You suck as a umpire and he keeps going. Like a drive by.
Really? You suck as a woman.
He stops and turns.
I am not a woman!
Oh really? Then I guess you just suck! Have a nice day.
What is your name?
Reverend John Sleestaxx. And I extend my hand
He ignores my offer to shake hands.
I am going to tell the director what you said.
Ok but when the director hears how you made a personal comment you will be run out for the reminder of the tournament.
No I won't
Yes you will.
You sir are not allowed to make personal attacks on any official. It is stated in every rule book of every sport.
It is not! Yes it is it is followed by sportsmanship conduct being the judgment of the official and the official being the final say at any point during the game.
The director's name is Robert Schmidt. And he can be found right over there and I indicate the tournament table at the park entrance. I can take over there right now if you like and introduce him to you.
No you mind your own business.
And you have a nice day Dad!
What a cock sucker!
Anyway I go to my last and the game is close. We are the last game to play the fields are empty and the UIC and Tourney director are watching my game. I thought this was a good game for me and I did not hear any complaining. The time limit expired but visitor was up by one point after the third out.
The coaches start talking and they approach me and my partner.
Hey I know the time has expired but we really want to complete the game.
Can we pay you for some extra time?
My partner and I look at each other.
I turn and I say you can keep anything you were going to pay me it is for one half innings and I will do it by myself if my partner needs to go.
He says he does but he will stay for one half innings.
So I volunteer 20 minutes of my time for free so that these girls can play some more ball.
But I suck as an umpire and I am stupid.
The game ends with visitor holding their lead.
One my way home I stop at a store to get a soda.
In line behind me I hear hey blue you sucked today.
I turn and see a coach from earlier. No coach I did not suck! You failed to teach your team to execute and win you sir sucked as a coach and you want to blame it on me.
He stepped up and start to say something and I head butted him in the forehead his head snapped back and he fell back.
Everyone looked at me
And I will have this candy bar too.
I paid and left as they began to help the old fuck head up. Oh yeah he was like 50 years old.
The lesson here is take action.
Take responsibility for your future.
Take control of your game.
Play hard
Play right
And take no shit from old fuckers in the corner store.

The teen ministries will have an exhibition match in the teen center. it seems that there is a grudge match that needs to be played out since the boys lost to the girls a few weeks ago.
Shannon Lark will be refereeing the match and also providing the mid-match entertainment. 'Shannon you did bring your grinder right?'
The single mothers group would like to ask that some of the men who helped last month provide some contact information as they are needed for more assistance. There is a woman who is in need of a new roof. I know that there are enough strong backs that a new roof could be raised in a weekend.
Let us show up and show our support and help this family member out.
Drive carefully in the parking lot and remember not to honk as I will be out there with rocks.
Ecc 3:5
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

Go in peace and keep your pimp hand strong.

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