Celebrity death predictions for 2014

This year’s list is;

Lindsay Lohan: Bet hedging again! I suspect that she is on the dick again and her female lover will exact vengeance. I predict gunshot in a Chelsea hotel and NYPD will find her nude, in a pile of Hong Kong dollars and her "ex-lover" high on bath salts.

Brittany Spears: Although it appears that she has surrounded herself with some good people and her last album is reminisce of her early work I have to keep her on the list. It is always calmest before the storm.

Lorde: She is the new Amy Whine house. You all remember i won on Amy Whinehouse (2011)? Well this tart is clearly on the same road.

Bill Clinton: Last year i bet on George Bush. I lost! So for this year’s dead president i am going to go with someone who's life style is more conducive to the theme. This chubby chaser eats like a pig, He isi due for a heart attack from blockage and quite frankly also has a pissed off wife. I predict he either has the heart attack or his wife in a bid for the sympathy vote has him offed, do you all remember Vince Foster?

Warren Ellis: This man has escaped tragic death for the last five years and his personal physician has been secretly treating genital fungus from an orange  gourd.  He will finally succumb. His agent will make the statement but will never mention this man’s fetish with vegetables.

Piers Morgan: This limey pumpkin fucker is doomed to die from an accidental discharge or a spoon surprise fork attack.

Ke$ha: No normal person spells their name with a dollar sign and can expect to live long. I expect someone who spells their name like that AND has an eating disorder to escape the reaper's scythe.

Sunny Leone: “You can never EVER leave the Indian porn industry. The Indian Mafia will make an example of her. The authorities will find her poisoned from a Porter House steak from China.

Hulk Hogan: The aliens that are sucking the life from him can only suck so much, before they pull the dregs from the souls of his feet.

Al Gore: The plane crash into the Arkansas Mountains will not kill him, but the natives of the hidden town will force him into a “fight to the death” cage match and he will not last more than 5 minutes.

Michael Capellas:  This poser will probably find himself in “Club Fed”. He will be found shanked by a knife made from a steak bone, left to bleed out in the chapel while praying to the false god “Andbanc”.

Mark Hurd: Dear lord why do I have to endure a world with this fucker?

War bunnies

 They were tired of the ridicule. They were tired of the explotation.

 To not look conspicuous in the beginning they just gathered in small groups.

 But their best brains had given them a number. A population count that would assure their victory and they had reached it.

 It was time to fight, it was time for war.

 The hares, rabbits and bunnies armed themselves and gathered. They were going to take over the world.

 They gathered outside the edge of a small town on the back forty of Mr. Wilsons farm.

They attacked.

 Where were you when the revolution started?

Henry Rollins Drabble

Henry Rollins rolled his 5 foot 2 frame out of bed. He put his slippers on and shuffled into the bathroom.

 He took the cap off the meticulously rolled tube of paste and squirted some on the wet bristles. He scrubbed in a circular motion on each tooth. Then he scrubbed his tongue. He gagged, but he finished. Looking in the mirror he ran his tongue over his front teeth and smiled his money smile.  Then he opened and closed his mouth making that smacking sound. He thought, “I just hate the film that the ball-gag leaves on my tongue.”

Eat the dog

The chant was so unison it was almost one voice.

 It was his first band camp.

 He wanted to make new alliances, this was to be his year, he was going to be the man, he was going to get a girlfriend AND kiss her.

 And then his parents sent him to this camp.

 Now he’s in the circle, with the whole camp chanting and watching him.

 What's this going to accomplish?

 It's a team building exercise. Now you will share in their strength and share a bond that can not be broken.

 Now it’s simple, just Eat The Dog

Crackers and porn.

 The angry gods sat at the table made from the bones and skin of humans.

 They rallied and railed on the loss of devotees. What can we do? They just sit there looking at "internet porn".

 The succubus quietly brought in cheeses from all regions.

 Bloggers! Harrumphed another one.

 Yahweh stood and raised a hand. "I believe it's time for a complete reinstall."

 “Of course you would” said Zeus “you always like that. But seriously who here has the time for such a project.”

 “I do. said Satan.

 Then let Satan do it and let us see what he gets.

You gonna let’em call you that?

“That’ll be seven sixty seven buddy.” Said the clerk.

The guy behind me said. "Buddy? Last I heard a buddy was a bump on a dog's ass. Don’t let him call you that?"

He was right. No Mother Fucken human should be allowed to call anybody "buddy" that’s just too disrespectful to let slide. So I took my Slurpee and beef jerky out to my car and got my gun. I went back in and shot the bastard in the knee.

 I told him, while he was crying like a little girl, that he better think about calling people names.