I am not getting older, I am getting better

So today was the last day to elect my measly benefit package.

They want to deduct bazillion dollars to pay for the crappy care I get. But being the nice guys that they are, they are offering me a credit if I pledge to abstain from smoking, drinking and driving, going to the doctor and not to get too depressed.

 They had me fill out a survey;

Do you smoke?
Do you drink?
Do you wear a seatbelt?
Are you in a monogamous relationship and if not are you using protection,
How many alcoholic drinks a day on average do you have?
                (There was only enough room for 2 digits),
Do you use prescription drugs for recreation?
                (Really? there is not enough room on a Xanax to go fishing)
Do you exercise?
                (But they don't let you brag)

They never asked;

How often to you eat at McDonalds
How much red meat do you consume?
Do you use olive oil or corn fat to cook your foods?
How many gallons of sugar soda or monster drinks do you consume in a month
Do you eat movie theater popcorn?
Do you eat bacon?
Do you play real life frogger on I45?
Do you place your self in harm’s way intentionally?
Do you smoke marijuana?
                (They asked about tobacco but nothing else)
You want to know what though?
Last year my health score was 68 and my peer group (people as old as I) 59. Today it was 88 while my peer group was 58. That’s right bitches 88! I am up 20 and you all are down one. So when we are older you can look over at my field and you will see me RUNNING EVERYWHERE!
When the zombies come, and they WILL come, you last sight will be my backside and the bottom of my shoes as I out run them and you are eaten.

No comments: