A.B. The pothole man

............................

A.B. The pothole man....

By Rev. Sleestaxx ....

.. ..

.. ..

A.B. The pothole man walked about with a
stilted jerky gait. Dunno why he just did. Old A.B. Been round for ages. "Since I was a kid 'tleast" would
be pappy's reply when asked how long A.B.'s been fixing potholes.....

.. ..

He was called the pothole man cuz he could be
found fixin’ potholes wet'er he was axe'd to or not. Be it a ....county.. ..FM....
road, people drive ways or just old pig trails.....

But A.B. Was always fix'n potholes. Sumtimes
he gets a dollar or two from some farmer or cattleman but oftener not he was
not getting a dime for the hole you saw him fillin’ and tampin’.....

.. ..

I dunno what makes him fix one and not
anutter. I know my pappy is always muttering sumtin’ and wave when sees A.B. working
a hole. And curse the devil and A.B. When the ol’ ford would jerk hard and buck
after hitting a big hole in the road. My ol’ pappy be raisin' cane and flood
waters screamin' that weren't there yesterday when we went into town, and where'd
that damn hole come from and Ma would hush him up ‘bout his language saying ....

.. ..

“There weren't no
need of wakin’ the devil up over a hole in the road.”....

.. ..

An' 'den you'd see my pap just grip the wheel tight,
like he was drivin’ more careful but he was just mad and me and ma would share
a smile.....

.. ..

One day me and the two Jenkin’s boys were
hunting squirrels. Jacob and me with our 22s and Jessup with his four ten, down
by the old river bend cemetery. Jacob wasthe youngest, while I was two months
older then him, but I never let ‘em forget who was older. Jacob had stole a
square of his pap’s chewin’ ‘baccy and we was under the shade of a red oak just
hidin' from the sun fer'abit and spitting.....

.. ..

Jessup the oldest leaned in abit like he seen
sometin’ in the woods and then he waved at us to git low. So we did. We knew
better then to make noise when one of us said to git low.....

.. ..

Why one time we was swimming at a river bend
and Jacob told us to git low in the water, we did and we got real deep into the
cypress knees on one side and waited. There came Marie the preacher’s daughter
to the bank on the other side, now she was abit older than Jessup by like three
years which made her a high school graduate but she was still in town to help
her daddy preach. She was real purrty and all the young men in the county were
always trying to impress her dad so they could get a date with her. Always
every Sunday there was a five or eight young men in the front pews of the
church. You never see that unless the preacher has a beautiful daughter.....

.. ..

Why she just walked up to the water and pulled
her dress over her head and jumped into the water. That was the first time I
seen a naked girl. Well aside from my sisters in the tub washing but doin’
count ‘fer ‘nuttin as they was my sisters and all, not real girls. Well We
three boys looked at each other, just our eyes over the water like crocodiles
and we watched Marie swim on her back and dive and she swam like that for like
a half hour. Then she got out of the water and put her dress on and turn to
leave.....

.. ..

But just then she hollered. "Bye boys. And
next time you should come out of hiding and swim with a girl. Not polite to let
me swim alone and you three hide like gators in the knees of the trees like
that." ....

.. ..

But there was no way I was gonna swim with
Marie like that. It was a might embarrassing to be in that condition tat all, let
alone let a girl see that too. ....

.. ..

Well like I said we knew when one of us said
to git low it was ‘fer a reason.....

.. ..

So there was the three of us lying in the wild
hay at the edge of the cemetery trying to see what we was hiding from. And
there was A.B. walking out of the trees and into the cemetery. His stumble
shuffle keeping him slow but he seemed to know where was goin’ ‘cuz he did not
look around, he just walked straight to the back of the plots to a single
marker. He stood there for a bit, and then he knelt like he was saying a prayer
no more'n 100 feet from our spot, and then a smell of rotten eggs came in on a
breeze. Man, I tell you it was so strong my eyes watered up so bad I could
hardly see, but there in the shade of an old pine, by the headstone in broad
daylight a big ol’ plume of smoke rose up and a man in a white sears suit was
standing next to A.B.....

.. ..

The pothole man did not look up and he did not
even budge when the man placed his hand on the roadman's shoulder, A.B. just
stayed there.....

.. ..

We heard the suit guy say "Why you always
come to the same stone?"....

.. ..

"You forgotten already?" asked A.B.....

With a chuckle the
guy in the white suit said, "aAlready? It's been decades my old friend. And
I am a busy man, I can not remember all the mortals I come in contact with. How
is it that you do?"....

.. ..

“This is Eleanor’s place.”....

.. ..

And the suited man got real still for a moment
as if listening to a whisper or a memory had come over him.....

.. ..

You know Baraqiel it is unfair that he let you
come down here and fall in love like you all did. It was unfair for him to turn
away from you all when you got lost.....

.. ..

A.B. Stood so fast it was a blur and pushed
the suited man.....

The suited man just flew back, but he did not
fall, he just came walking back to A.B. Smiling.....

.. ..

A.B. Shouted and it sounded as loud as a
summer thunder storm. "You know nothing my love and devotion. You know
nothing of his purpose for me and why I am here.”....

.. ..

"Look Baraqiel" said the suited man.
"I have some matters I want to discuss with you”....

.. ..

"I want nothing to do with your deals Thammuz."....

.. ..

“Oh, but I think you may Grigori you just
might find it interesting.”....

.. ..

“What would you say if I arranged for the
return of your Eleanor and I get him to take you both back?”....

.. ..

“You can not arrange that! Why even try to lie/”
....

.. ..

“I am not a liar dear archangel. I can bring
your precious Eleanor back to you so that you may dance with her again.” And,
at that the ground at A.B.'s feet exploded, grave dirt flying every which way and
there in front of A.B. was a corpse dressed in a wedding gown kinda hanging limp
like a puppet.....

.. ..

A.B. just wailed so loud that the ground shook
and Jacob wet his pants. I weren't ever going to hold it against Jacob wettin’
his pants at that moment, because I did too. But Jessup looked mean and mad. But
we stayed low and quiet.....

.. ..

The dead woman just hung there in the air and
A.B. Just screamed and screamed, then he began to cry as the corpse put out her
arms stiffly. She looked like when a girl is asked to dance.....

.. ..

And weeping A.B. grabbed her in his arms and began
to box step like my parents at family weddings. There weren’t no music only the mean laugh of
the suited man. ....

.. ..

A.B. danced like he had no limp and no stutter
step. He cried something awful and begged the suited man to "Put her
back", "Put her back", but the suited man just laughed at A.B.’s
pleas and begging tears.....

.. ..

And A.B. just lovingly danced with "Eleanor"
and wept, stroking the thin scraggly hair. He looked deep into her eye sockets
muttering something with tears wetting his cheeks and lips.....

.. ..

I dunno what got into Jessup but he got plumb
fire’d up and began crawling away from us. I knew was goin’ to do somethin’ but
did not want nothing to give our hiding spot away so's to protect his little
brother Jacob. Jacob tried to follow but I held Jacob back with a look and a
hand.....

.. ..

Jessup got 200 feet around the side of the cemetery
behind the man in a suit. Me and Jacob was scared for Jessup, but we did not
want to tip our hand either.....

.. ..

Jessup got in a low crouch and sprang like a cougar
at the suited man. Just as the man spun around Jessup brought his gun stock
down on the man’s face. ....

.. ..

It was a thunk so loud and hallow. It would
have killed any other normal man, but the man just stumbled back and Eleanor
fell limp in A.B.'s hands.....

.. ..

“NO!!” Yelled A.B. but Jessup was already
bringing the gun muzzle down and aiming at the man. Then the shot rang out point
blank and we saw something fly off the back of the man’s head. The shot must’ve
blown a hole in his face clean to the back of his head and the man took another
step backwards. Jessup pulled another time on the trigger, but nothing happened,
the gun must’ve jammed. So Jessup dropped the gun and pulled out his ....bowie.... and leaped at the
man like a crazed injun.....

.. ..

The knife was driven to the hilt in his chest
and he laughed. The suited man laughed like it was the funniest thing ever. Jessup
just hung there on the knife staring into the man's face.....

.. ..

A.B. Dropped "Eleanor" into a heap of
bones and wedding dress and moved to the man in the suit.....

.. ..

Jessup let go and dropped to his feet and
began backing up.....

.. ..

“Oh no son you do not get to leave with
allowing my turn.” And Jessup stopped you could tell he did not mean to stop
but he was like froze or something. The suited man looked Jessup up and down.....

.. ..

He reached his hand out.....

.. ..

A.B. Screamed NO! Like a thunder clap so loud
and strong my ears rang.....

.. ..

The suited man hesitated and then put his hand
in Jessup’s chest, in his chest, and pull out his heart. I had seen many hearts,
deer hearts, cow hearts, rabbit ....

Hearts, and most assuredly
squirrel hearts, so I know’d that was Jessup’s heart quivering and red in that
strangers hand. Jessup fell to the ground.....

.. ..

Jacob jumped up "leave my brother alone!"
and I popped up right after him and took aim at the suited man. Jacob he fired
his 22 at the suited man taking no real time to aim, but the shot rang true for
there was a twist to the man's head.....

.. ..

He just smiled and raised his hands and Jacob
flew straight up into the sky, so high I could not see him.....

.. ..

I waited for the man to look at me cuz I was
gonna put a shell right in his eye.....

Just then A.B. ran up "Hold, Thammuz do
not damage another innocent mortal here again. Put Eleanor back, restore these
boys, and I shall do all that you ask.”....

.. ..

“You would give up your place as one of the
leaders, you will be no longer a watcher, but a mortal? Cause you know you make
a free will chose like that and he will cast you down.”....

.. ..

“He has already, as I have already made this
decision.”....

.. ..

“You can not trap the others, so this loss is
no greater than when I fell in love with Eleanor. He has turned his back on me,
even now I no longer feel the warmth of his love. I now know the coldness you
and the mortals feel.”....

.. ..

“Alright so be it, you will finish your days
here as a pothole man and the boys will live.” And at that he flung the heart
back into Jessup and Jacob feel from the sky.....

.. ..

He landed with such crash that there was a
hole in the ground a foot deep.....

.. ..

Jacob got up like nothing had happened; Jessup
got up and looked at us. ....

.. ..

I looked at A.B. but he was gone and so was
the stranger in the white suit. Eleanor’s grave looked like nothing had
happened.....

.. ..

I tried to tell them what happened but they
insist that we all fell asleep and I dreamed it ‘cause they do not remember any
of it. They say it must’ve been the ‘baccy that made me sick.....

.. ..

Now when I see A.B., he looks older, slower,
and sadder. But he smiles when he sees me and I am sad ‘fer him, but I am glad
he saved us that day.....

Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
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Hour glass sand - Half Drabble

Hour glass sand

The last grain of her sand dropped into the bottom bell and she drew in her last breath and expired.
At her side was her lover. At her end, he wailed and cried. He angrily shook his fists at god. And he yelled never again do you hear me? NEVER!







Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

Barking spiders - A Drabble

Barking spiders

The little gnome opened the door. He had two bowls in his hand. One with last nights stew and another with water.

He was greeted by a hoard of little creatures. All of them jumping up and down clambering for his attention, or was it the food?

Aww he knew this venture was a gold mine. Why the humans all kept talking about these little creatures.

Why not breed them and sell them. He asked his gnome wife.

Who is going to want barking spiders? Was her only reply.

She did not stay the smell was too much for her.


Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

The demise of Nathan - A Drabble

The demise of Nathan

Nathan knew the light was up to something. He could tell by the way it turned red.

There it was, red, and staring at him mockingly. "Ha, there you are in your car with the windows rolled down, and no AC, breathing the carcinogenic exhaust of the other foul humans."

Nathan lost control and jammed his horn, and the switch got stuck.

The felonious tow truck drive in front of him did not like the fact that his wife was a whore AND that Nathan's horn blaring behind him.

The tow truck driver grabbed his .38 to fix one problem.







Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

On gossamer wings - A Drabble

On gossamer wings

On angels' wings the beast from light years away arrived just as the great minds of the world said it would.

The fire and light from the heavens would have been a spectacular sight had it not been heralding the imminent destruction of mankind. Yes just the destruction of man, for the earth shall endure.

Everyone stopped and watched, either live or simulcast on the inventions of man, the wings that brought the end.

The religious prayed and asked for forgiveness. The evil began to pray too, but the rock just kept coming.

The humans wept and it was over.






Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

Red Light - A Drabble

The traffic light went on strike

The traffic light blinked red then green then yellow every 6 min.

The light knew how important it was. Without the light total chaos would ensue. The light knew it kept the tide of insanity at bay.

The light wanted more freedom and to be MORE in control. So the light went on strike when it turned red.

Instantly negotiations started.

Everyone knew it could go to blinking red until an agreement was reached.

Concessions started and in 3 min. the light was given .912358 seconds leeway in its cycle.

Celebrating victory the light stayed red for .912308 seconds longer.







Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

Pamela Anderson - A Drabble

Pamela Anderson rolled out of bed.

Pamela Anderson rolled out of bed. Her red camisole with the lacy bust desired-lingerie.com reference 4855/4855X slid down over her hips.

She padded barefoot into the bathroom.

She dragged the brush though her hair and then cleaned the brush of some the loose hair. She dropped the angelic golden hair on the counter and called it fans.

She grabbed her toothbrush and brushed her teeth filling her mouth with paste foam. She spit and called it boyfriends.

She then sat on the commode to relieve herself of waste. What she flushed down she called lawyers, agents and internet porn freaks.






Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

Henry Rollins - A Drabble

Henry Rollins

Henry Rollins rolled his five two, frame out of bed. He put on his slippers and shuffled into the bathroom.
He took the cap off the meticulously folded and rolled tube and squirted some paste on the wet bristles. He scrubbed in a circular motion on each tooth. Then he scrubbed his tongue. He gagged, but he finished. Looking in the mirror he ran his tongue over his front teeth and smiled his money smile and then he opened and closed his mouth making a smacking sound. “I hate the film that ball gag leaves on my tongue.” He thought






Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

Also reading

With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

You gonna let’em call you that?

You gonna let’em call you that?

“That’ll be seven sixty seven buddy.” Said the clerk.
The guy behind me said. "Buddy? Last I heard a buddy was a bump on a dog's ass. Don’t let him call you that?"
He was right. No Mother Fucken human should be allowed to call anybody "buddy" that’s just too disrespectful to let slide. So I took my Slurpee and beef jerky out to my car and got my gun. I went back in and shot the bastard in the knee.
I told him, while he was crying like a little girl, that he better think about calling people names






Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

Also reading

With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

Bullies in History.

Bullies in History.


They were all gonna be pissed and Artimetis knew it. But he didn’t care. He charged down the mountain. He had discovered that the earth was NOT the center of the universe and he could prove it.
He could prove Copernican theory of the universe against the dominant earth-centered Ptolemaic and Aristotelian theories. In his notebook were verified charts of celestial movements from his telescope.
At the bottom of the mountain was that bully Galileo. “Gimme your money Fartimetis.” “I don’t have any.” “Then I will hold this until you do.” “Hey!” And Galileo snatched the notebook from Artimetis’ hands.





Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

You had me at hello

You had me at hello

She walked into the arcade with sausages attached to her.
Sundae was bulging from her hip pockets when she turned to shut the shop door.
Droe wors draped aorund her neck in a spiral orgy of meat, spices and animal fat.
On her shoulders, in her blonde matted treses were brats, "Those are not synthetic casings." He thought. Dry salamies on her chest, the lactobacillus yeasts intertwining into the delecate fabric of her blouse making it look lacie and delicate. The grease of the peperoni making her middriff visable.
Ground pork extruded from her 5" pumps with every step.
"Hello"






Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

Eat the dog

Eat the dog

The chant was so unison it was almost one voice.
It was his first band camp.
He wanted to make new alliances, this was to be his year, he was going to be the man, he was going to get a girlfriend AND kiss her.
And then his parents sent him to this camp.
Now he’s in the circle, with the whole camp chanting and watching him.
What's this going to accomplish?
It's a team building exercise. Now you will share in their strength and share a bond that can not be broken.
Now it’s simple, just Eat The Dog






Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

Also reading

With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

Toasted marshmallows

Toasted marshmallows

John hid in the bushes with his stick. He knew that any noise would draw their attention and bring too many to fight, but he could reduce their ranks as long as he stayed hid and got them in onesies and twosies. The fire was also hidden, just hot coals now.

John thought of his old life as a sys-op before the damn marshmallows had come
The damn little puffs were ruthless, with their vicious little teeth and extruded arms.
So he hid with the pointed little sticks and camp fire. It was going to be toasted marshmallows for dinner.






Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

Trail Mix - A Drabble

Sorry i have been excersising.

A drabble is a writing excercise that an entire story must be written in 100 words, no more, no less. the title is nmot included.
====================================================

Trail mix

“It's an abomination! I swear to you. God never intended all that co-mingling. It's just wrong. Nuts and fruit and candy.”
The peanut stomped around and flailed his little shell arms.
His wife the cashew took a tentative step. “Honey it is different now. And she is older.”
“I’m Old enough to think for myself.” The cute Spanish peanut piped in.
The cashew gave her a look that said ‘not now’. The Spanish nut retreated.
“Alright, fine, I will let her go but she is to wear her shell not that Brazilian one they are all wearing now a days.”





Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

Another class of 2009 speech

Commencement speech for a graduating class of 2009.
By Rev. Sleestaxx

This was also written for another particular High school class that requested I speak at the ceremony. But it appears that the board and the PTO and some other whinny pussy types decided that a member of the rotary club was better suited for speaking to the future of our world and so they canceled my gig. I got to keep the travel and half the fee but I did not get to speak to the class. Thus the speech is mine and so I shall with you all.


Today you embark on a new era and new opportunity to make decisions based on your value system and not the one perpetrated by the foreign heathens or the corporate pirates.

As I look out upon the graduating class of 2009 I see bright eyes happy smiles and I see the future I also see mean eyes evil smiles and I still see the future.
I know I am looking upon the faces of some that should not have graduated but you made yourself such a burden upon your teachers that they gifted you a passing grade.
The coach tells me I am also looking out on some gifted athletes. Congratulations on your accomplishments they are not diminished because they are “just high school” They are the fruit of hard work and dedication to a discipline that many here know or do not know it does not matter it is recognized and rewarded.
All of you are a very special generation. You are all special in the way that you are the future. You are being handed a world. Not a country like I was or my father or his father. Literally you are being given a chance to effect change in the entire global community for in 20 years the majority in charge will be retired and yours will be the one in majority.
Yes there will be some pockets of craziness just like there is some in the country I was handed.
I see the faces of artists, scientist, hunters and fire starters. I see a class that will make change that will forever be remembered.
The scientist will make the world manageable and understandable with their science and critical thinking.
The artists will make the world livable and pleasant with their love of a good curve or a pleasing resonance the will vibrate the soul.
The hunters will protect and feed the world.
And the fire starters will both shape the direction and destroy. They will destroy the old dead rotting wood that is the old world and they will lay the direction of new growth.
You are our hope do not get caught up in your own greed like the dogs that are now in charge.
Do not get enraptured with your own beauty that you forget about the rest of the world like the generation in charge now.
Look at what the pirates have done and learn from the pigs and do not fall into their traps.
Look at your parents [pause and look at the families] and see the evil that that have borne into this world and do not bear the same sins as them.

[look for security on the left and the right]

[yelling and slamming the podium] Change the world
[yelling and slamming the podium] It is your right
[yelling and slamming the podium] It is your duty
[yelling and slamming the podium] It is the way of life and the way it was meant to be.

Remember the sevens sins and you should be able to get this planet back on the road to righteousness and into the age of enlightenment.
Lust
Do not get lost in the lust of shiny things.
Greed
Do not get lost in the pleasure of your own greed.
Gluttony
Do not become fat and corpulent on the sweat and blood of the weak like the generations before you.
Sloth
Do not become lazy and mortgage your soul for your own selfish pig headed inner child.
Wrath
Do not get so lost in your anger and revenge that you forget who you are.
Pride
Do not be so prideful that you look down upon the rest of your generation for everyone of you offer something that is needed by the other.
Envy
Do not become so envious that you loose sight of yourself and become so enraptured and encompassed in your desire that you stop being you.

[Bang on the podium]Do not get lost in the idolatrous worship.
[Bang on the podium]Do not forget to love your family.
[Bang on the podium]Do not lose sight of the prize.
[Bang on the podium]Do not forget to donate and assist in god's work.
[Bang on the podium]Do not forget to change our diapers

Go out and change something, it does not matter if the change is right because it will be changed again it just all needs change or we will die and we will wink out in this universe and no-one will know we were here.
Make noise make love make god but for the love of Christ make it happen. No get out there and fuck it up!






Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

Also reading

With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

Hello to the graduating class of 2009.

Hello to the graduating class of 2009.
By Rev. Sleestaxx

This was written for a particular High school class that requested I speak at the ceremony. But it appears that the board and the PTO and some other whinny pussy types decided that a member of the rotary club was better suited for speaking to the future of our world and so they canceled my gig. I got to keep the travel and half the fee but I did not get to speak to the class. Thus the speech is mine and so I shall with you all.

I am going to tell a story of a young man who, like you, was graduating high school.
He was a bright lad, a smart kid with a nice set of parents. He was always thinking about things, girls and cars, engines and girls, and well more about girls than anything else.
He wanted to be famous, and he wanted to have plenty of girlfriends. He wanted the life of a rock star; he wanted to buy his daddy a Cadillac and his mom a big fancy house. He wanted everyone to know his name and he wanted to make sure the world was a place to raise children, because along with the girls, he knew one day he wanted a wife and kids, and he wanted to impart his great knowledge on his child, so that his child would one day grow up and graduate.
He wanted his child to buy him a big caddie, and his wife a big house with a big kitchen. So he thought a lot about what he could do to change the world and make him self famous too.
He finished high school and thought about it and thought about it. He decided that he had no ideas yet and so he decided that college would fill his brain with more knowledge and then he could think of something.
He went to college and the thought. He thought all the way through four years of school and graduated college.
During and after a ceremony much like this one he sat and thought about what he could do.
He thought and he thought. He went home to his parent’s house and thought. One night his father came home and announced that he was being laid off from the car plant because the country was in dire straights and now one was buying new cars.
He mother wept and his father consoled her with sweet whispers and gentle hugs. His mother took to doing the laundry for others in the neighborhood so they could buy bread and dried meat for meals.
Now he knew there was something he could and so he put to thinking more on this dilemma.
His mother died one day from skin cancer from being out in the sun hanging laundry all these years. At the funeral his father wept openly and howled at god. He shook his fist at the sky and rued the day the lord put breath into his own lungs. He had never seen his father so angry before.
The priest at the service died of a stroke while presiding over the service. The priest babbled something about Jesus and banana cups and fell face first into the dais and shat himself. After the wake his father sat him down and asked him what he was going to do.
Do what now Father what do you mean?
Son your mother is dead I am dieing of mesothelioma from the auto plant. You have gone to college and you have a big brain full of learnin’ what are you going to do with your life?
I have been thinking about this a long time dad and I think I want to be famous.
Well that is an ambition son how do you plan on achieving that?
I am thinking about that now.
Ok son but you might as well cover your self in maple syrup and hump chickens.
What is that suppose to mean dad?
Well because famous don't pay shit and you have wasted your life thinking. At least you would have been famous for being covered in maple syrup and having perverted sex with fowls, you would have been sent to prison and been out of my house a long time ago.
[Dramatic pause]
The moral is, you have plans, you know what you want to do, and you have finished high school.
Go to college, get out of college, and do something, anything, make sure it doesn't hurt when you do it, but do something. Get out of your parents house, get into the world and make a change, get into the world and shape it to YOUR will, rest control from the pigs, pirates, dogs, and thieves. Take over the world, steer the world into another direction, but do not stare into the oblivion see your demise and do nothing. That was for the generation in charge and what the generations have done for the past millennia. They all looked in to the event horizon, shit themselves and decided to be criminals and perverts, don’t do that!
Get on the stick, spread the sun tan lotion and get freaking dirty.
Put tape on the computer cards, bend the quarters and fold the dollar bills. Wake everyone up and show them the sunrise.
Shake your fist at the government not god.
Rue the day the government forgot about the people.
Remind companies they are made of people not machines or commodities that can be brokered and marginalized like everything else.
But the most important thing of all is to get out of my house because I have no place for you at my table any more.





Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

Also reading

With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

In My Neighborhood #26

By John Sleestaxx

It was time for the yearly HOA meeting. The developer was to release another seat. The rest of the seats were two year terms as was this one so I was not in need of re election but I wanted a partner for the new seat. I wanted someone in the chair that would play ball and look out for the best interest of the neighborhood.
We were going over the old business and just finished reading the minutes from the last meeting. When Bono walked in, he was followed by the Edge and an entourage of ass-wiping, yes people and ego strokers that would leave any real politician in a state of koro so severe that he would run out of the room crying.
Bono tried to address the assembly but was politely reminded that this was the old business and any new business from the floor had it’s time and this was not it.
“I am sorry for interrupting” Bono apologized, “I just got here from an AID concert somewhere on the planet that was to benefit some oppressed global citizen somewhere not even near the concert and probably was not even interested in the music my band mates and I produce.”
“That is fine” Lee said “but..”
“I heard there was a seat on the committee of this community and I decided that I would like to be on the board.” Bono just spoke over Lee.
“The seat is for residents of the neighborhood” I interjected.
“Yes I bought two houses one for me and the other for my hat.” He said.
“Fine but we are still not to that part of the meeting.” Lee said
“I want to make positive changes in the community like I have globally.” Bono said. “I demand that this position be appointed to me. For I am Bono of U2.”
Everyone sort of shifted in their chairs when they realized that there was an asshole in the room.
Lee looked down at his notes and then to me. I shrugged.
Edge just leaned on the wall in the back watching the spectacle unfold.
Bono begins to talk about how there is too many houses and not enough green space and that what we need to do is tear down one house and put a park space on every street.
Henry gets all giddy like a school girl. Henry starts to bounce in his chair, eyes wide in admiration and star struck non-gay love for Bono.
Henry starts to ooh and aww over the drivel Bono is spewing onto the floor. So much so that he can’t help himself and he does not care that Bono is trying to take over.
“That would mean more animal habitats and more wild life, we need less displacement of the natural residents before we moved in.” Bono spoke to no-one.
Henry finds a pause in the diatribe and shoots his hand up and speaks in a nervous cadence “What about lawn art?”
Bono shakes his head and Henry sags. “No lawn art, but bird baths should be a mandatory artifact in all the remaining yards.” Henry beams with joy.
Just then Brit and Pink break into a fight.
Everyone starts to chant “Fight, fight, fight.”
They roll around on the ground knocking over chairs. They grapple and pull hair “bitch” “fucker”. They slap and gouge and begin to tear each others clothes, it was quite the cat fight spectacle.
Finally Bono breaks them up. He separates them and they are sitting on the floor legs spread and hair all a mess. He squats down between them and talks to them.
“You know there is too much rage in the world. Too much hate. And too much anger. The other night I had a dream. And I was on this space ship and I was taken into space and I was looking back on the world from afar. And I could see all the hate and anger radiating from the big blue marble.”
“And I could see how ugly the humans look when they are arguing and fighting. And this being an alien spaceship the aliens told me that we humans are the most primitive creatures in the universe because of our hate and anger. I wept and cried like a baby asking him to tell what to do and he said that I should play more of my music and make more albums because our U2 music is the most humanizing sounds anywhere."
Just then Pink and Britney started crying and they hugged each other and apologized to one another and then hugged again then the kissed. And the community gave a collective ahhh and clapped.
Then Jello nominated Bono for the new position and Sammie Hagar babbled something drunken and incoherent and fell face first into the ground. Rob Halford looks away and shakes his head.
We all kind of looked round because of the distraction. Since we were lost I tried to put us back on the rails with.
"Look we can't all just tear down houses and make parks. We can't just decide to let this freak on the board."
Bono starts to jump up and down and yell. “Who the hell are you? I am the great Bono and I deserve that position because I am Bono.”
Well I am the Great Reverend Sleestaxx. This neighborhood is mine and I am the sword and the plow of the lord.
“You should have no say.” He said.
“Yeah, I said this is MY neighborhood.” And at that Bono just disappeared. The crowd gasped and awed.
The Edge looked about.
“FUCK yeah! Finally the piece shit sheep shagger is gone man” Edge’s arms flailing, spit flying from his lips showing his passion and pent up rage. “If I had to hear about the world’s poor one more fucking time I thought I was going to fuckin’ puke. I just want play and drink and bed women.” Said the Edge.
“I “ The Edge continued, “am so glad the damaged fucker is gone.”
And Bono reappears in the back of the room.
“I “ The Edge starts to prowl around the rooms perimeter, “hated that bitch since I kicked his pussy ass in some pub in Dublin. Man he whines...” Bono taps the Edge on the shoulder.
“Hey Bono, and good to have you back it seems this reverend guy is a witch he made you disappear.”
And he made me talk ill of you while you were gone.
No that is fine I under understand now. I would like to request a position.
Henry chimes in "What about the bird baths?"
Bono looked to me. I shook my head. Bono said "No Henry that would not be prudent or in the neighborhood’s best interest.”






Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

Also reading

With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

In my neighborhood #25

In my neighborhood #25
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx


So it is early Monday morn. I figure it is early enough to get the paper while still in my robe. Robe and slippers, I go outside and there next to the paper is a heap of human parts. Not all bloody, but just a pile of a person. You know this sight when you see your parents passed out drunk on the living room floor enough times.
“Shit!” I think, “Damn! Somebody tied one on and got lost on their way home. I think I will leave them to bake in the sun. When they wake up and their head is pounding and their face is on fire from the noon day sunburn they will learn to not get so fucked up. I get the paper and as an after thought I decide to turn them over so they can get as much sun as possible because Vitamin Q is good for a hang over. As the live corpse rolls over onto its back I see that it is female. I brush back the hair and I see it is Paula Abdul.
I drop the paper and coffee cup and lift her so that I can bring her into the house. Even though she never made queen status she still deserves some mortal respect.
I bring her in and lay her on the couch, cover her with a blanket and fix myself a new cup of coffee and turn on the television and search for some morning cartoons.
I make sure to keep the volume down so the noise does not disturb Paula.
I find and old episode of “Spiderman”.
Then an old episode of “Autobots”, the undisputed godfather of the transformers, came on.
Half way through an episode of the PC whimp-i-fied GI Joe, Paula starts screaming.
I drop my coffee and yelp, “Shit!”
She sits bolt upright and looks around. “Hey where am I?”
“You are at my house” I said in a very calm voice, and I get up to get a towel.
“John? Right?” She says as if lost education is ebbing on her memory tide.
“Yes.” I replied.
“The last thing I remember was getting a call in the middle of the night and it was Janet and she was telling me I was fat and stupid. She said that I danced like a cow all stomping and hoofing around.” She said pulling the blanket I had laid on her up to her chin.
“Janet?” I asked more for affirmation then information.
“Yeah Janet Jackson.” She said as she let go of a violent shiver. “She has had it in for me since I tried to start a singing career while I was her choreographer.”
“Really?” I sounded like I did not believe her even though I tried to be more believable.
And Paula began her story. “Yeah I was helping her when she was starting and I gave her some of her best moves. When she found that I was working in a studio developing a record. She got real mad and tried to file an injunction on the record, but there were no real legal grounds even though she tried to portray me as an industrial spy. Then she got Michael involved.”
“Michael Jackson?” I said wondering how long the high lasts when you get toasted on scripts.
“Yeah and he called some heavy weights and they called in the corporate ninjas and they crushed my record sales by diverting orders and killing radio programmers who would not play ball.”
“When all was said and done it appeared as though no-one was interested in my music.”
“The record companies would not touch me. And I was black balled by the Jackson Clan.”
“I found a bottle of Oxycotton in my nightstand one night while I was depressed. I have never done drugs or drank before, but it seemed like a good way to make it all numb and go away. Next thing you know I am all fucked up on Idol. Yeah that back fired on them. That gig was a bone thrown to me by the Jackson Clan. They thought it, the show, would make one or two seasons and flop out. Little did they know it would balloon to such a huge success. I get clean and then some ninja slips me some pills and I fall off the wagon.”
“Wow, Paula that is an amazing story and almost believable, but as you know I am equipped with a very powerful bullshit detector.” I said standing up.
“No it is true.” She said pleading, “And Janet heard of my secret project to record another album and she has started the attacks all over again.” She said pulling her legs up into a ball.
“You know Paula if you want to get fucked up and wander the neighborhood then just get fucked up and start walking, but you do not have to make up stories of ninjas and career killers and Jackson conspiracies.” I said looking down at this frail, old, fucked up woman.
“No John it is true.” She says sitting up.
Just then the front door opens with a splintering crash. And Half Dollar piles in with two ninjas.
“Ninjas!” Paula screams
“Half Dollar!” I yell laughing hysterically.
I began my fight prayer, “Dear god make me strong to vanquish your enemies. Make them taste their blood like their sins and help them find their way to your grace and loving light.” And a column of fire rains from the sky through my ceiling and vaporizes the ninjas.
Half Dollar looks back surprised and shaken from the display of god’s wrath.
He charges raising an axe handle. I step up and into him just under his arm which removes the threat of the axe handle. I head butt him, he drops the axe handle and he grapples me.
We struggle in the foray and stumble around. Paula is standing and screaming.
Half Dollars breath is hideous. My god what had this fucker been eating? It was a cross between peanuts and morning breath
We bounce off the walls and into the nearby hall towards the half bath, decorated in romantic.
The room is small and the two of us take up most of the cubic footage.
I get the doorway to my back and clap my hands on his Volkswagen door ears.
He yelps and lets go, I step back and spin him. I plant a foot on his ass and shove.
He hits the wall bounces back and I kick again he lurches forward trips on a Persian throw rug and falls forward.
His hands are still on his ears and he falls into the toilet hitting his head. He goes limp.
‘Man what the fuck?’
‘Another dead star in my house.’
‘Shit! Fuck! Shit!’
“Oh no this is not happening.” I say out loud
“Paula is screaming.”
“No way am I going to deal with this shit again.” I say out loud to myself.
I start to drag Half Dollar’s body out the back door.
“What are you doing to do with him?” Paula asks.
“I am going to bury him in the back yard.” I grunt as I drag this 140 pound fake thug.
“But won’t he be missed?” Paula asks as the whole thing starts to sink in.
“No he is an irrelevant, dime-a-dozen rap thug that no-one loves or likes. Hell I just did the entire white teenage listening demographic a favor. Now they have one last choice to spend their money on.”
“I do not know if I can be a part of this.” Paula says shaking her head and shrinking back.
“What? Are you kidding? I never asked you to be a part of this.” Not believing the whussiness of this near icon.
“Shit tomorrow you will not remember today and no one will believe you anyways.” I said more mean than I meant to.
“That’s not fair.” Paula pouted.
“Its true enough though isn’t it?” I directed with the intensity of a persecutor about to stick the charge.
“Yes.” She looks down and fattens her lower lip like all girls do.
“Alright then the shovel is in the shed and the bag of lye is kept in a plastic bucket under the ladders.” I grunted as I slid the skinny little fake poser out the door.
“What do you have lye for?” she stops on the way to the shed.
“Ahh,” I paused. “I do not know, making soap and bio-diesel?”
“Really? That is cool and she shuffles to the shed.”
I spend a good portion of Monday afternoon digging. Paula disappeared around the first hour.
Half Dollar is buried in the back yard and now I am fixing the front door.
Johnny Cash would be proud of me but I will never tell him or anyone.
If this bullshit keeps up I am going to have to move. Regardless of the market.



Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

Also reading

With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

• 23:23 Galaxy safe once agian. ur welcome. #
• 23:24 no sorry coach we will not shake hands today. #
• 10:25 @joliecain also shooting 1.2k but that is an every day thing usually i end up -140 #
• 11:39 @basicbrewing i am using a hopped LME. and some roasted barley for my first partial mash would i need to add hops or not? #
• 11:52 @nineinchnails thanks NIN for the free downloads you guys rock! #
• 12:06 @basicbrewing ibu of extract is 21 which is where I want 2 B but want some tone and body so iwas going 2 add some vienna and roastd brly #
• 12:56 @basicbrewing what does that mean? I do not have to worry about the added sugars afecting the ibu in the extractt? #
• 13:00 @zappos we have been 5 since the implementation of the scale #
• 13:09 @basicbrewing gotcha thanks! you are the best james. the very best. I will put in a good word for you on sunday! #
• 13:25 @chikazoemakoto 誰かに触れるだけではありません。お辞儀をお勧めします。 #
• 17:16 twitpic.com/4agoh - this why babies are not allowed in manfacturing enviroments #
• 17:17 twitpic.com/4agr0 - and DO NOT hire this clown he is a OSHA nightmare #
• 18:20 @malflic hey now! #
• 19:37 @TheRudeTypist LOL #
• 19:38 Battle for galactic power to start in 15 mins. #
• 19:40 @malflic oh employing I thought you wrote "enjoying" which was weird but funny as hell #
• 19:41 @bloodstains problem with ur eye teeth? #
• 19:47 twitpic.com/4as51 - to the fucktard behind me: my texting is not making the light stay green #
• 22:42 Galaxy safe once agian. ur welcome. #

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• 17:12 swine flu? swine flu! Rev 6:8 authority over a fourth of the earth, to kill its population with the sword, famine, and disease #
• 17:13 ha you all laughed at me for the past three years but what now do you say? what now do you say? #
• 17:14 Rev 6:6 A quart of wheat will cost a day's pay and three quarts of barley will cost a day's pay. That is the third AND the fourth Seal #
• 17:15 Have I told you all that i loved you lately? No? HMMMMM. #
• 18:43 @dewrag1 do not laugh too hard or you may start coughing blood and dieing of the swine flu because only the true children of god are #
• 18:44 @dewrag1 gonna be spared the humiliation and suffering that is the apocalypse. and when you are under the hoofs of the four horsemen #
• 18:45 @dewrag1 I will be the one laughing as your feet and soul is put to the fire. I will be there in all his glory pointing and laughing #
• 18:46 @dewrag1 and kicking dirt into the hole that is your grave. for you sinners are doooomed i tell you doooomed it is the end of the world just #
• 18:47 @dewrag1 as the lord and god told john. it is upon us now repent and save your souls. #
• 19:27 @TalkingSpeaker fear mongering is THE main tool of religion, government, and media. wash your hands and don't kiss strangers. (hamdemic lol) #
• 19:29 @dewrag1 I am the sword and the plow of the lord. I expect to see you at thursdays baptism beatings this thursday! #
• 21:45 Battle for galactic power to start in 5 mins. #
• 21:46 @scottsigler van ness ?!?!? holy crap that's gangland what r u thinking #

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• 09:30 I wonder if the ninjas let all the grandmothers go when it rains or do they hold them until the make up game. anyone? imagine the logistics #
• 12:19 @iamcherrygirl you called a good game today blue. (means more from the losing coach) #
• 12:21 @listensto the sad little prayers of the spoiled narcissistic parents and coaches all weekend #
• 18:27 swine flu is really just an ARG for a new zombie shooter game. #swineflu #swine #flu #flew #
• 18:38 For your reading pleasure CH#24 tinyurl.com/daf8mn For your pleasure. #henry #rollins #henryrollins #neighbors #

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In my neighborhood #24

In my neighborhood #24
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx


The neighborhood does not allow garage sales every weekend. There would be certain individuals that would have a sale every weekend capitalizing on their name more than just getting rid of their unwanted junk.
Metallica, Slayer to name a couple. They would buy other peoples junk to put in their sale so people would buy Metallica’s old toilet or Slayer’s broken weed eater.
We have garage sales as a community twice to three times a year. This means that our neighborhood can look like a trailer park all at once. And only one weekend.
Today I had some stuff to sell so I bought a permit and moved my garage to the driveway.
Henry was on tour and he left me his keys. I piled his mail up on the dining room table and made sure that his two cats “Spoon” and “Mr. Snuggles” are watered and fed. And I grabbed some of Henry’s junk too.
Now do not get me wrong I grabbed stuff he would not really need. Like his African fertility statues, WHAT IN THE WORLD is a guy like Henry need fertility statues for and at his age? And those tribal masks that were really made in China that looked like dark boogey men faces.
I was sitting in the shade waiting for the traffic to sift down to my corner of the subdivision when I heard same yelling down the street. There is always yelling now and again, but this sounded like trouble.
“No Old man you do not know what you are talking about.”
Hmmm I better investigate.
I start walking down to the left by Hammer’s house. Hammer had quite a collection of jammies for sale or maybe they were parachute pants. I do not know but it was a large rack of them.
Living next to Hammer is Chuck Berry.
Chuck had some old furniture and old guitars out for sale. And a collection of bells, ceramic bells from all over the world. Chuck collected bells who knew?
At the curb was one of the new guys P. Diddy, John Paul, and some guy named “Half Dollar” and some skanky broad I have never seen before and Rihanna. They were all yelling up the drive way to Chuck.
“You old man,” Half Dollar yelled, waving his hands around like in his videos. “Are so out of it you think you know, but you know nothing.”
“Hell diaper boy I was in the pussy before you were coming out of your momma’s.”
“Leave my momma out of this.”
“Shit boy you walk around here holding your dick with your pants falling down. You do not know anything.”
“Hey, hey,” I interrupt “What’s the problem.”
P. Diddy tells me that they were looking at Chuck’s sale stuff and the Rihanna wanted to know about the old guitar and Chuck said he would make a deal with her. I knew what he meant and I called him out.
“No P. Diddy you do not call Chuck out. He will eat you alive AND make you his bitch. You have nothing on him.”
“Yeah you think so?”
“Yeah I know so.”
“Look I am sure it was a mis-understanding.”
“No it weren’t reverend.” Chuck yelled and I rolled my eyes. “I know my women, not like these shit stained little momma’s boys.”
“You have no concept of pussy, no concept of how to treat it, or tease it. You just want to own it, but what you don’t know is for a real man, pussy owns you! You have to treat it like a queen or it will tear you up.”
“Yeah tell me another story old man.” Half Dollar rolls his eyes and fingers his Pontiac Symbol Necklace.
“You better not old man me. I know my pussy, I know my music and I know I will whoop your ass.” Chuck said coming down a few step rolling up his sleeves.
Half dollar pulled out a .38 pistol.
I moved so fast the “Dollar” guy never saw it coming. I grabbed the pistol and hit him on the side of his head with it.
“What are you doing?” I screeched at him. “Pulling a gun out on Chuck. He does not have a gun.”
“No-one is gonna disrespect me.”
“What disrespect, Half Dollar? You want to tell me?”
“He is right you thugs walk around here like the fucking bulls in prison and you do not know shit from shine-ola.”
“Chuck here made a complement to Rihanna and you girls want to shoot him.”
“What the fuck?”
P. Diddy made a step towards me and I kicked him in the crotch and he just stood there. I looked at Chuck and we both started laughing.
Diddy picked Half Dollar off the ground and they started back to their house.
“C’Mon Rihanna!”
“I will be there in a bit.” And she started up the drive to talk to Chuck about the guitar.
Diddy and Half turned and started to charge up Chuck’s lawn.
Chuck stepped up and clothes lined Diddy putting him on his back.
Half Dollar turned and started towards him again.
Chuck dropped back into a martial arts stance. When Half was within range Chuck began to do Kung Fu on Half Dollar’s ass. Chuck beat he shit out of him. Only stopping when Rihanna stepped up cryin “No Chuck, don’t hurt him anymore.”
P. Diddy was still on the ground holding his throat and crying silent tears.
Half dollar tried to move but he had no strength and gave up to bleed into Chucks lawn.
Rihanna rubbed Half’s shoulder. “You ok baby? You ok?”
I went over to P. Diddy and bent over him.
“Can you breathe?”
He nodded.
“Then I suggest you get up and leave. Because I think Chuck is about to pee on you both. I turned to look at Chuck. We shared a smile.
P. Diddy got up and staggered to Half Dollar and helped him get up.
“Stupid old man.”
Chuck yelled “This stupid old man just schooled your punk-ass, now git before I get angry.”
Chuck you know they are gonna get their posse and come back.
No they are not. I hit them both with the Tibetan monk transsexual implosion punch. They are both gonna turn into women and then they are gonna have a real tough time.
We laughed and laughed.
The traffic started to pick up so I went home to find someone had stolen all of my junk.
Wendy was in her driveway and she had a smile on her face.
I thought about asking her if she knew what happened to my stuff, but, shit, Wendy scares the shit out of me. It is best for me to just go inside, butter up and sit at the knot hole. Someone has to keep an eye on those lesbians.




Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

Also reading

With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

• 08:58 @Tekdiff but we love you for it. the small children you let loose on the interwebs make our drudgery almost palatable. I enjoy my commutes #
• 08:59 balk #
• 09:00 hey blue ain't that a balk? #
• 09:01 pop quiz everyone. how many balks are there #

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• 10:54 no coach the pitcher can not balk when the ball is dead my partner had no play no balk jeez. no balk hey do u have ur keys? u may need them #
• 10:58 is really mad @ the level humanity you humans have achieved thus far. had an 11yo tell my partner to "learn how to call a game". #
• 10:58 good partners make good games though that is one thing I am learning #
• 16:25 @malflic ah ha the revolution is about to be started. now all you spoiled grownups are gonna get yours! #
• 16:27 @malflic ah ha the revolution is about to start. now you spoiled parents are gonna get yours! viva la Gerry Davis! #
• 17:42 RT @jchutchins: scottsigler.com/therookie | code: hutch | $3 off | Go | Krakens | (TweetDeck) Viva La Gerry Davis #

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• 23:32 Once again someone lost and someone won #
• 23:33 Spend the day being told you suck and then talk 2 me about my rage. #
• 23:33 i like my rage. i like the high. i like the red i see and the heat i feel in my chest. #
• 23:37 now @tacobell waiting in drive thru hell. the crunchy shell is what I crave the and the bean burritto is a fave. eating it whle I drve #
• 23:39 being carefful to stay alive. it takes one mishap and the foods in my lap and the car is in the ditch ah man what a bitch! #
• 10:27 @TheRudeTypist that is funnier than well ok it was funny just funny #
• 10:34 @dewrag1 not meth but real rage. you know the stuff when you mortals are driving to work #
• 11:01 @scottsigler #andicannotspelllshoot #
• 11:07 @scottsigler pfffffrt! done. next on the FDO agenda, the burning of all dictionaries and F7 keyboard keys #
• 11:19 @scottsigler Gigli? #
• 11:20 @scottsigler Ahhh The movie was considered a bomb, often called the worst movie of 2003. #
• 13:08 @ResistSkynet why didn't they just use one of the construction bots to do the digging? #
• 13:16 @scottsigler no, that is fall on a knife, fall .... on ..... a ..... knife scott fall on a knife #
• 15:32 @PezWerewolf I am wearing an ugly face 2day #
• 17:11 @jchutchins you know i used to wish for 5 extra hours for myself and then i realized that someone would demand 5 more hours from me. #
• 18:00 RT @malflic: Ch 2 introduces another morally questionable woman malflic.com/books/it-had-been-years/chapter-02-it-had-been-years/ #
• 18:04 @scottsigler haha "you are not authorized to view this page" ? WTF FDO! #
• 18:07 twitpic.com/3x1h8 - @scottsigler WTF? FDO! #
• 18:42 @scottsigler yes it is yes it is #

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• 23:48 @robyngraves Wow. Just wow. #
• 09:57 @tim_taber I umpire Youth sports (fastptch sopftball and baseball). the grown ups all act like it is an epic battle for power #
• 10:31 @joliecain where do all the good authors work? #
• 10:45 Shameless self pimpage tinyurl.com/d8b9yp #rollins #mchammer #Wendyowilliams #
• 11:05 @jchutchins ricky bobby in talladega nights #
• 11:49 @jchutchins the birds #
• 11:54 @jchutchins I win i win wahooo i win ha ha ha ::pointing at the losers:: ::crotch chop to more of the losers:: I win It's my birthday i win #
• 12:14 @ResistSkynet ahh yes vandalism for the greater good. That is always the best way to prove your "good" Intentions. #
• 12:18 @AntiParadox yes they are and so is the student loan people. #
• 12:22 No really i will come for my trial judge. It really is for the kids tinyurl.com/cbe99c. liars and cheats all of them! #
• 15:07 evil clowns of doom www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YFkcwtpGZo #
• 15:34 Currently Browsing: www.instructables.com/id/Waste-Oil-Furnace-For-Melting-Metal/?ALLSTEPS #
• 15:35 Currently Browsing: www.instructables.com/id/Build-a-foundry-and-sand-cast-aluminum/ #
• 20:37 @tim_taber and it waited for IIT to stop their game DOOM to fix our PC we would be send e-mails with smoke and wet blankets #
• 20:38 @tim_taber just kidding. I like it when they screw it up more I can charghe more #

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• 10:24 really bad coaches last night i actually prayed for the apocalypse so i could watch the coaches suffer. #
• 10:25 yes there is a reason i doubt the human race can ever be civilized. and youth sports is it! #
• 23:04 Galaxy safe once agian. ur welcome. #

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• 09:22 @Gbro green court? i remember it was black #
• 09:33 what is Ursodeoxycholic acid #
• 09:35 is one of the secondary bile acids, YUMMM! Muther fkrs!! #
• 09:41 Currently Browsing: tinyurl.com/d2vj3l #
• 10:00 Diltiazem is a drugs known as benzothiazepines, which are a class of calcium channel blockers, used in the treatment of hypertension #
• 10:07 In My neighborhood #23 tinyurl.com/cq7aoe #
• 10:12 @robyngraves But it ain't Monday! #
• 13:24 @ResistSkynet Bre is a conspiracy nutcase. there is no "evil" coming out of skynet. maybe bre should do a weekend project of "aluminum hats" #
• 13:25 @SkynetResearch Bre is a conspiracy nutcase. there is no "evil" coming out of skynet. maybe Bre shud do a weekend project of "aluminum hats" #
• 13:27 @tonyhawk along with Mondays i also invented the 405 #
• 13:33 @malflic all the other tinyurls are working on my side also. hMMM maybe @ResistSkynet is trying to create a false issues on the net #
• 15:55 @ResistSkynet oooh scary robots and attack of computers? Propaganda, this is like when the railroad was first invented and the telephone #
• 15:56 @ResistSkynet and when electricity was first brought forward. all the fearers of change denounced it as evil. #
• 16:00 @ResistSkynet i have seen nothing menacing from skynetresearch yet #
• 16:01 @ResistSkynet now from you i get propaganda and some crazy rants of a conspiracy nutcase and a few tweets of doom and gloom #
• 16:02 @SkynetResearch you all should see the scary rantings of the lunatics that are following me! WOW. evil computer empires and enslaving robots #
• 18:08 @tim_taber yeah seriously. = #
• 18:40 @SteveIsaacs can i have my two minutes of life back. no? that's fine i would have just touched myself anyways #
• 19:47 @tim_taber yeah then B4 u know it flesh covered unitainium assainrobots are shooting through time to alter thew future #
• 19:51 @resistskynet now you r gunna tell us all that evil ninja robots are out todestry humanity. bleeh #
• 19:52 Battle for galactic power to start. #
• 19:53 of epic proportions #

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In my neighborhood #23

In my neighborhood #23
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx


Our Neighborhood Take Back The Night celebration was last night. This is where we as a bunch of middle class individuals living in our suburban cocoon are suppose to go out in the dark and meet our neighbors and prove to the riff raff that we are not scared of them and our neighborhood is our own.
Aside from the pirates in the Shawn Fanning shanty town next door we really have no trouble. So an occasional drunken lout or a strung out lesbian pop star is the real trouble. Oh yeah there was the Sid and Nancy problem but that has started to run it’s course and even they have gotten on the bus so to speak.
So here we were, out in our yards after sunset. A perfect 72ºF. I was in a portable chair at the curb watching the neighbors mingle. Pam and Kid came over I shared some homebrew with them. We talked about the neighborhood gossip and the possibility of a Baywatch Movie deal in the works.
Johnny Cash came over; we spoke, but did not talk, if you know what I mean. No beer for him he gets moody real fast.
Wendy came over. She makes me feel anxious. We talked about vegan choices at Chilis and she began to start blathering on about ‘the travesty of the human condition.’ Then she started on about the destruction of eating red meat the treatment of cows in the slaughter house. I wanted to know if they should be giving all the cows their religious last rites and satin pillows.
But I do not argue with her she is very mean spirited sometimes and I do not want her mad at me.
Finally she left and I could breathe again.
Henry came over we talked about his last tour, he postulated about the current political climate and how the world as a community should do this night out thing to raise awareness of unethical practices of some other countries. I told him it is called United Nations.
He went “Ahh yeah that’s right. Hmm how do I get hooked up with that gig I could be of some real help with all my worldly knowledge from all my fact finding tours abroad.”
“Henry? Really? Are you serious? “
“Yeah man, I have been to Afghanistan and India and Singapore and Korea and Russia. I have even been to Iraq.” Henry’s chest puffs out with pride.
“And how do you suppose that we fix those countries?” I pointedly asked Henry. And standing up to his monster frame asked “If you are against war and economic sanctions what do you propose we do to get the mean bullies to play nice in the sand box?”
“We bring them up to our industrial level. We educate them on global warming and how a better more affluent citizen makes a better countryman.” He says like he has been waiting for this moment to tell his grand secret.
“But you forget that if we raise the lowest up to above poverty that the ones above poverty will also be risen and the ones in control will make sure they stay in control and thus we have economic slaves with better clothes and wood on the floor of the tar paper shacks. Nothing really changes and we have more people on the planet because they are all healthier.” I reminded him.
“Righteous!” Henry beams like he found another jewel of wisdom.
“NO NO NO. I ranted in my passionate sermon voice. “More people means more farts and more farts means more methane gases and more methane gases means a warmer green house and that means we all die sooner. Yes more comfortable but still sooner.”
“Nah man that won’t happen farts are not the cause of the green house.” Henry says like he is scared he may be wrong.
“Yes methane is one of the main abundant gases that are attributed to the global warming problem. And farts are methane gases.” Arms now flailing and spit flying from my lips.
“HMMM you may have something there.” Henry said looking down at his impossibly small feet. “I will have to start not farting.” Now looking up Henry has a gleam in his eye. “I am going to arrange a ‘No Fart’ tour to raise awareness to this global issue. If I can get just one other human to stop farting then I have reduced the problem by two fold from my perspective. And if I can get more people to do the same we can get this fart thing licked. I know I can get Al Gore to back this whole fart thing up.” Henry said excitedly.
Henry getting excited is kind funny he starts bouncing on the balls of his feet. And he looks like Tigger or a jack in the box just after it sprung.
“Yes this sounds like a plan Henry.” I encouraged. “You should get on this right away before it mushrooms out to an even more devastating problem.”
“Stop the farts and raise free the economic slaves!” I raised my voice in mock excitement and sarcasm.
“I can see the fan base jumping on this and making this a very relevant issue very fast.” Henry said as he started to pace. “I could recapture some of the lost share when I left Black Flag.”
“Yeap I can smell a Nobel peace prize Henry. You da man.” I said like a boxing trainer watching his bull go down.
“Thanks John you are a great neighbor.” He said as he started to pull out his bio-degradable cell phone. Then he turned back to me, “Hey do think I could get that ,….. “ I interrupted. “No you can not get a bird bath installed. Birds fart too you know.”
“They do?” he asked not knowing what to do.
“Sure they have an ass don’t they?” I asked like it was common knowledge to everyone else.
“Yes but they…. Hmmmm you may have something there.” He replied, but I heard the one gear turning and grind on something.
“Wow think about that?” I said with my best sarcastic smile.
“What’s that?” Henry asked.
“The world’s global warming problem solved on my lawn.” My voice still dripping with intense sarcasm.
“Yeah do not worry I will give you credit too.” Henry said as his gear ground and ground on this idea.
“Yeah I am sure you would but you know Henry I am a reserved individual, a humble person and I would appreciate you not mention my name.” I asked in my most pleading and reasonable voice.
“Alright I am going to try and get my agent to return my call so I can get this “No Fart” tour rolling.” Henry lifting the bio-degradable cell phone to his ear.
“Yeah later Henry see ya.” I said as he wondered back to his house.






Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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