To the graduating class of 2012

To the class of 2012.

Dear lord

 Grant us the strength to vanquish the evil that opposes your will. Grant us the courage to stand up for what is right and might.  Help us to evangelize your word through our accomplishments. Though our wins lord the blasphemers and the unrighteous will see you your strength and your might.

As I look out on the fresh seemingly innocent faces, I am reminded of how awesome it was when I was young. How when I was taking on the world not as a bringer of justice or herald of the lord, but like most of you, a young mind filled with lusty ideas and fleshy desires. I went out into the world shoving my dick in just about everything it would fit into. I thought that if I fucked enough that I would become powerful and I could change the world.

 But alas the lord knows better and he beat me at every turn, until I found my calling. [Looking skyward and holding up my hands] Oh lord the lessons you taught me! [Now smile at the audience].

You too will go out into the world and fuck it up! You will go out and camp in a park and [air quotes] Blog about how it is unfair that you have to work to find a job and how [air quotes] unfair it all is that the ones before have had all the great ideas and have collected so much wealth.

But you what you don’t realize is that every one of those bastard pirates and corporate whore mongers have sold their soul to get what they have. And they will go to hell for it! They will have their feet placed to the fire for all eternity. And they will be below watching as you, the young, inherit everything that they have built, and stolen. [loud] You will have the opportunity to smelt down their golden calf and cast it into a new image, a new muther fucking idol! You will write a new freaking book on how shit gets done.

You will choose who eats and who doesn’t, you will be in charge or whether or not the pirates and corporate whores get their diapers changed. You and your classmates will be the bringers of a new apocalypse, you will be tearing down this world  and building a new one. You all will bring about a new era of how shit is done and who gets to do the shit. But, [long pause and a wicked smile] there is always a but [look to your left at the last chair or oldest asshole over there], you have to get the power. And the power is sadly more education, [laugh and pause] yeah I know you just finished school and now the good Reverend Sleestaxx is telling you that you have more school ahead of you.

But do not be surprised to find your road a bit hard and rough. They do not want you to wrest the control from them. Right now they are already building defensive blockades raising tuition and mucking up the economy to drive a greater divide between the classes. So do not dally, do not procrastinate, do not go and spend your time foolishly shoving your dick into every hole you find. Get in, get down, and get the fuck out.

 The nice thing for y’all is that with the right amount of power your fight with the fuckers of this world is not going to be very bloody or very costly. Because those grubby, fat fingered piss ants in charge will have retired or be too old and too blind from compliancy to even see you coming,

 So please do not waste your youth on the road side crying about the inequities of the establishment and how the poor stay poor and the rich stay rich. Go out and work hard, learn hard, and play mother fucking hard. Break things, get messy and for the love of god do not cry, because, you know what, when you are their age they will be in need of you to change their diapers and care for them and that is when you can extract your revenge for having to live in a world where we have to fight for stupid shit like same sex marriages, and whether or not some pro-athlete did drugs.

 When you are in charge, and you will be, you can fix all the mistakes we have made. You will have the opportunity to right all of our wrongs.

[signal the sound manager for more bass] [raising voice] You will become the new rulers of the new world! [Yelling] You will be the writers of the new rule book! YOU WILL BE IN CHARGE!

You will be in more control of more shit than just the small little spit of dirt called a country, you will be FUCKING GLOBAL! You and your generation will be in charge of EVERYTHING!

Now go out there and fuck it all up like we did! Congratulations to the class of 2012.

What have i been doing? Free Beer

Celebrity Predictions 2012

So every year I post a list of 10 or so possible public figures that may pass during the year and sometimes I am right and sometimes I am wrong.

This years list is;

Fidel Castro; This man has lived so many years in a country that has been erased from the news by the censors that we know very little about him but I do know he is sick and like his colleague Kim what’s-his-face in that little spit of dirt and jungle he too is running on fumes. God I would have liked to have been in that room when he pissed those people off. I mean seriously we made friends with Russia but it is still illegal to travel to Cuba? yeah pissed some muther fucking people off big time.

Michael Capellas; you can only take out so many mortgages on your soul before Satan comes looking for payment.

Queen of England; Finally her only heir that is not gay, is married to a nice proper girl. She can hand the throne over to a man and be done. I imagine it will be in her sleep.

Mark Hurd; just another fucktard that naked sells shares of his soul and satan is gonna make a market call and old Marky poo will be found empty handed and and in a corner. hope he has enough shares to cover the margin.

Lindsay Lohan; Remember Britney spears 3 years ago. yeah kinda like that but not as pretty. you can only imagine how this meteor is gonna pop.

Brittany Spears; She is on my list every year (it's kind playing the odds) This one may look like she has her shit together but she is still trailer park trash with money it is only a matter of time before the wheels start to wobble and fall off.

Barry Bonds; He lied, he cheated and he got caught. Now he is despondent and will never make the baseball hall of fame. what do you think?

Amy Whinehouse: Just because she scares me and my spirit guardians have said she is tired. (Nailed IT!)

Charlie Sheen; Another train wreck. not as good as some but a train wreck none the less. God loves drunks and little kids but his patience does run out look at the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah.

A half more dozen Occupy protesters; You can only put so many whinny liberal pacifists in one park before the predators and freaks smell the blood and start circling.

Dr. Conrad Murray; My feelings about that freak Michael aside, You can not kill a pop icon and live. Even in county jail they are gonna kill this man and eat his intestines on a top ramen pizza right there in jail and then skull fuck his eye sockets.

White Favoritism by Major League Home Plate Umps Lowers Minority Pitcher Performance and Pay, Baseball Study Finds

I call absolute shenanigans!

“The finding builds on an earlier study that discovered Major League Baseball's home plate umpires called strikes more often for pitchers in their same ethnic group -- except when the plate was electronically monitored by cameras, Sulaeman said”

Southern Methodist University (2011, September 7). White favoritism by Major League home plate umps lowers minority pitcher

Bullshit bullshit bullshit.

That means the umpires performance and his correctness is decided by who when the plate is not monitored electronically?

And you are saying that the umpire is concisely deciding to be bias. Again I call shenanigans.

And then you are saying that the minority pitcher is scaling back his risk taking because he fears the white guy behind the plate.

OMG what a fucking load of crap!

You sir are a hack and a pencil whipping dirty data pusher. You suck as a scientist and a author of papers.

The plate umpire is not going to be judgmental based on race. His concern at the plate is the freaking ball.

You even stated he is not when the plate is monitored. So when the plate is monitored he is being judged without bias and he is found to be not bias, but, when his only judge is the person or observer is in a booth or on a bench or in the stands with an agenda, and a very poor angle and perspective he, the umpire, is found to be bias.

That alone shows your data is dirty and you have gathered data and written a paper with an agenda and bias to start.

I say your paper shows favoritism and racial biasing and you have cherry picked your data and whipped your statements into a flaming pile of pooh.

Now I will admit that if you looked into the past historical relationships of umpires, pitchers, batters, and managers, you may find some biasing based on run-ins and conflict.

But not race.

I can tell you the plate umpire is only concerned about that 100mph ball and a invisible box that has to stay consistent regardless of hour, jeering, and earlier mistakes.

Go read this piece of filth first and then you will understand this rant more.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/09/110907124351.htm

I have just recieved word from the lord

The lord just told me that there is a great new tool that i can use to help spread his word.

http://www.atomicmpc.com.au/News/271210,win-a-space-marine-chainsword.aspx

so here is my entry.
I am Reverend John Sleestaxx. I fight evil everyday I can wake up and breathe. And to have such a powerful tool to vanquish evil heretics would save me a lot of time and bibles.

Why just today I just saved the souls of 2 car jackers. And it is just 8:00 AM.

I was on my way to work when these two Satan possessed individuals approached my car. They demanded I give them the keys. I told them I would give them a large helping in the lord’s word. They looked at the bible in my hand and laughed.

The first one stepped towards me and I took my bible thumped it across his face and he fell down calling our fathers name.

The second raised a pistol I swung the good word across his hand and brought the bible up. Bringing the bible down, spine first, across the bridge of his nose and he too fell to his knees under the mighty words of our creator.

I know if I was to wield the might of a glorious tool of the lord, such as the Mortifax, I would be able to save many more souls.


but unfortunately the web form does not proper populate for united states citizens. i am sure that before you all go and scream into their feedback forms that they are prejudiced against us people in the states. give them time to fix the problem.

FW: Enter to win the Dr Pepper Million Dollar Tuition Giveaway

---

From: Dr Pepper <DrPepper@drpepper.com>
Sent: Tuesday, September 21, 2010 7:30 PM
To: sleestaxx@yahoo.com
Subject: Enter to win the Dr Pepper Million Dollar Tuition Giveaway

To view the web version, click here.

[The entire original message is not included]

Elbow Snakes and Lawn Gnomes

It was in the middle of the night and I woke drenched in sweat. I had another one of those dreams were the zombies are after me and they all look like old dead friends.

My best girl did not stir so I must not have been screaming this time.

I lifted my feet over the edge of the bed to get up and fuck me if the room was not filled with water. Not spring water either but black brackish swamp water. The smell of rotting dead vegetation was tremendous.

I turned to wake my lover, but now I see she why she was not stirring because she was dead, her cold eyes staring at the ceiling like so many other nights making love.

I lifted my hand to my mouth and there I saw it, a freaking snake or something and it was at least three feet long and growing from my elbow. I leaped from the bed making a huge splash. I ran like a clown in the water to the bathroom.

I flicked the light switch. Sparks flew from the switch plate, but in that quick instant in the flash of orange light I saw the snake writher and turn to face me. I saw it’s eyes and TEETH the freaking goddamn snake had teeth and huge sharp gnarly fangs.

In a panic I turned to hide my face from that hideous sight on my elbow and slipped on the half floating bathroom rug. As I went under water I saw that freaking gnome from my neighbor’s yard.

What the hell is it doing here? I thought.

He turned and smiled at me. Yeah the lawn gnome smiled, AT me.

Holy Jesus this is too weird. I thought.

And then I really woke up covered in blood and my girlfriend yelling my name.

I looked around at the blood and then I found I had picked this wart off my finger.