- 23:23 Galaxy safe once agian. ur welcome. #
- 23:24 no sorry coach we will not shake hands today. #
- 10:25 @joliecain also shooting 1.2k but that is an every day thing usually i end up -140 #
- 11:39 @basicbrewing i am using a hopped LME. and some roasted barley for my first partial mash would i need to add hops or not? #
- 11:52 @nineinchnails thanks NIN for the free downloads you guys rock! #
- 12:06 @basicbrewing ibu of extract is 21 which is where I want 2 B but want some tone and body so iwas going 2 add some vienna and roastd brly #
- 12:56 @basicbrewing what does that mean? I do not have to worry about the added sugars afecting the ibu in the extractt? #
- 13:00 @zappos we have been 5 since the implementation of the scale #
- 13:09 @basicbrewing gotcha thanks! you are the best james. the very best. I will put in a good word for you on sunday! #
- 13:25 @chikazoemakoto 誰かに触れるだけではありません。お辞儀をお勧めします。 #
- 17:16 twitpic.com/4agoh - this why babies are not allowed in manfacturing enviroments #
- 17:17 twitpic.com/4agr0 - and DO NOT hire this clown he is a OSHA nightmare #
- 18:20 @malflic hey now! #
- 19:37 @TheRudeTypist LOL #
- 19:38 Battle for galactic power to start in 15 mins. #
- 19:40 @malflic oh employing I thought you wrote "enjoying" which was weird but funny as hell #
- 19:41 @bloodstains problem with ur eye teeth? #
- 19:47 twitpic.com/4as51 - to the fucktard behind me: my texting is not making the light stay green #
- 22:42 Galaxy safe once agian. ur welcome. #
- 17:12 swine flu? swine flu! Rev 6:8 authority over a fourth of the earth, to kill its population with the sword, famine, and disease #
- 17:13 ha you all laughed at me for the past three years but what now do you say? what now do you say? #
- 17:14 Rev 6:6 A quart of wheat will cost a day's pay and three quarts of barley will cost a day's pay. That is the third AND the fourth Seal #
- 17:15 Have I told you all that i loved you lately? No? HMMMMM. #
- 18:43 @dewrag1 do not laugh too hard or you may start coughing blood and dieing of the swine flu because only the true children of god are #
- 18:44 @dewrag1 gonna be spared the humiliation and suffering that is the apocalypse. and when you are under the hoofs of the four horsemen #
- 18:45 @dewrag1 I will be the one laughing as your feet and soul is put to the fire. I will be there in all his glory pointing and laughing #
- 18:46 @dewrag1 and kicking dirt into the hole that is your grave. for you sinners are doooomed i tell you doooomed it is the end of the world just #
- 18:47 @dewrag1 as the lord and god told john. it is upon us now repent and save your souls. #
- 19:27 @TalkingSpeaker fear mongering is THE main tool of religion, government, and media. wash your hands and don't kiss strangers. (hamdemic lol) #
- 19:29 @dewrag1 I am the sword and the plow of the lord. I expect to see you at thursdays baptism beatings this thursday! #
- 21:45 Battle for galactic power to start in 5 mins. #
- 21:46 @scottsigler van ness ?!?!? holy crap that's gangland what r u thinking #
- 09:30 I wonder if the ninjas let all the grandmothers go when it rains or do they hold them until the make up game. anyone? imagine the logistics #
- 12:19 @iamcherrygirl you called a good game today blue. (means more from the losing coach) #
- 12:21 @listensto the sad little prayers of the spoiled narcissistic parents and coaches all weekend #
- 18:27 swine flu is really just an ARG for a new zombie shooter game. #swineflu #swine #flu #flew #
- 18:38 For your reading pleasure CH#24 tinyurl.com/daf8mn For your pleasure. #henry #rollins #henryrollins #neighbors #
In my neighborhood #24
In my neighborhood #24
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
The neighborhood does not allow garage sales every weekend. There would be certain individuals that would have a sale every weekend capitalizing on their name more than just getting rid of their unwanted junk.
Metallica, Slayer to name a couple. They would buy other peoples junk to put in their sale so people would buy Metallica’s old toilet or Slayer’s broken weed eater.
We have garage sales as a community twice to three times a year. This means that our neighborhood can look like a trailer park all at once. And only one weekend.
Today I had some stuff to sell so I bought a permit and moved my garage to the driveway.
Henry was on tour and he left me his keys. I piled his mail up on the dining room table and made sure that his two cats “Spoon” and “Mr. Snuggles” are watered and fed. And I grabbed some of Henry’s junk too.
Now do not get me wrong I grabbed stuff he would not really need. Like his African fertility statues, WHAT IN THE WORLD is a guy like Henry need fertility statues for and at his age? And those tribal masks that were really made in China that looked like dark boogey men faces.
I was sitting in the shade waiting for the traffic to sift down to my corner of the subdivision when I heard same yelling down the street. There is always yelling now and again, but this sounded like trouble.
“No Old man you do not know what you are talking about.”
Hmmm I better investigate.
I start walking down to the left by Hammer’s house. Hammer had quite a collection of jammies for sale or maybe they were parachute pants. I do not know but it was a large rack of them.
Living next to Hammer is Chuck Berry.
Chuck had some old furniture and old guitars out for sale. And a collection of bells, ceramic bells from all over the world. Chuck collected bells who knew?
At the curb was one of the new guys P. Diddy, John Paul, and some guy named “Half Dollar” and some skanky broad I have never seen before and Rihanna. They were all yelling up the drive way to Chuck.
“You old man,” Half Dollar yelled, waving his hands around like in his videos. “Are so out of it you think you know, but you know nothing.”
“Hell diaper boy I was in the pussy before you were coming out of your momma’s.”
“Leave my momma out of this.”
“Shit boy you walk around here holding your dick with your pants falling down. You do not know anything.”
“Hey, hey,” I interrupt “What’s the problem.”
P. Diddy tells me that they were looking at Chuck’s sale stuff and the Rihanna wanted to know about the old guitar and Chuck said he would make a deal with her. I knew what he meant and I called him out.
“No P. Diddy you do not call Chuck out. He will eat you alive AND make you his bitch. You have nothing on him.”
“Yeah you think so?”
“Yeah I know so.”
“Look I am sure it was a mis-understanding.”
“No it weren’t reverend.” Chuck yelled and I rolled my eyes. “I know my women, not like these shit stained little momma’s boys.”
“You have no concept of pussy, no concept of how to treat it, or tease it. You just want to own it, but what you don’t know is for a real man, pussy owns you! You have to treat it like a queen or it will tear you up.”
“Yeah tell me another story old man.” Half Dollar rolls his eyes and fingers his Pontiac Symbol Necklace.
“You better not old man me. I know my pussy, I know my music and I know I will whoop your ass.” Chuck said coming down a few step rolling up his sleeves.
Half dollar pulled out a .38 pistol.
I moved so fast the “Dollar” guy never saw it coming. I grabbed the pistol and hit him on the side of his head with it.
“What are you doing?” I screeched at him. “Pulling a gun out on Chuck. He does not have a gun.”
“No-one is gonna disrespect me.”
“What disrespect, Half Dollar? You want to tell me?”
“He is right you thugs walk around here like the fucking bulls in prison and you do not know shit from shine-ola.”
“Chuck here made a complement to Rihanna and you girls want to shoot him.”
“What the fuck?”
P. Diddy made a step towards me and I kicked him in the crotch and he just stood there. I looked at Chuck and we both started laughing.
Diddy picked Half Dollar off the ground and they started back to their house.
“C’Mon Rihanna!”
“I will be there in a bit.” And she started up the drive to talk to Chuck about the guitar.
Diddy and Half turned and started to charge up Chuck’s lawn.
Chuck stepped up and clothes lined Diddy putting him on his back.
Half Dollar turned and started towards him again.
Chuck dropped back into a martial arts stance. When Half was within range Chuck began to do Kung Fu on Half Dollar’s ass. Chuck beat he shit out of him. Only stopping when Rihanna stepped up cryin “No Chuck, don’t hurt him anymore.”
P. Diddy was still on the ground holding his throat and crying silent tears.
Half dollar tried to move but he had no strength and gave up to bleed into Chucks lawn.
Rihanna rubbed Half’s shoulder. “You ok baby? You ok?”
I went over to P. Diddy and bent over him.
“Can you breathe?”
He nodded.
“Then I suggest you get up and leave. Because I think Chuck is about to pee on you both. I turned to look at Chuck. We shared a smile.
P. Diddy got up and staggered to Half Dollar and helped him get up.
“Stupid old man.”
Chuck yelled “This stupid old man just schooled your punk-ass, now git before I get angry.”
Chuck you know they are gonna get their posse and come back.
No they are not. I hit them both with the Tibetan monk transsexual implosion punch. They are both gonna turn into women and then they are gonna have a real tough time.
We laughed and laughed.
The traffic started to pick up so I went home to find someone had stolen all of my junk.
Wendy was in her driveway and she had a smile on her face.
I thought about asking her if she knew what happened to my stuff, but, shit, Wendy scares the shit out of me. It is best for me to just go inside, butter up and sit at the knot hole. Someone has to keep an eye on those lesbians.
Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
The neighborhood does not allow garage sales every weekend. There would be certain individuals that would have a sale every weekend capitalizing on their name more than just getting rid of their unwanted junk.
Metallica, Slayer to name a couple. They would buy other peoples junk to put in their sale so people would buy Metallica’s old toilet or Slayer’s broken weed eater.
We have garage sales as a community twice to three times a year. This means that our neighborhood can look like a trailer park all at once. And only one weekend.
Today I had some stuff to sell so I bought a permit and moved my garage to the driveway.
Henry was on tour and he left me his keys. I piled his mail up on the dining room table and made sure that his two cats “Spoon” and “Mr. Snuggles” are watered and fed. And I grabbed some of Henry’s junk too.
Now do not get me wrong I grabbed stuff he would not really need. Like his African fertility statues, WHAT IN THE WORLD is a guy like Henry need fertility statues for and at his age? And those tribal masks that were really made in China that looked like dark boogey men faces.
I was sitting in the shade waiting for the traffic to sift down to my corner of the subdivision when I heard same yelling down the street. There is always yelling now and again, but this sounded like trouble.
“No Old man you do not know what you are talking about.”
Hmmm I better investigate.
I start walking down to the left by Hammer’s house. Hammer had quite a collection of jammies for sale or maybe they were parachute pants. I do not know but it was a large rack of them.
Living next to Hammer is Chuck Berry.
Chuck had some old furniture and old guitars out for sale. And a collection of bells, ceramic bells from all over the world. Chuck collected bells who knew?
At the curb was one of the new guys P. Diddy, John Paul, and some guy named “Half Dollar” and some skanky broad I have never seen before and Rihanna. They were all yelling up the drive way to Chuck.
“You old man,” Half Dollar yelled, waving his hands around like in his videos. “Are so out of it you think you know, but you know nothing.”
“Hell diaper boy I was in the pussy before you were coming out of your momma’s.”
“Leave my momma out of this.”
“Shit boy you walk around here holding your dick with your pants falling down. You do not know anything.”
“Hey, hey,” I interrupt “What’s the problem.”
P. Diddy tells me that they were looking at Chuck’s sale stuff and the Rihanna wanted to know about the old guitar and Chuck said he would make a deal with her. I knew what he meant and I called him out.
“No P. Diddy you do not call Chuck out. He will eat you alive AND make you his bitch. You have nothing on him.”
“Yeah you think so?”
“Yeah I know so.”
“Look I am sure it was a mis-understanding.”
“No it weren’t reverend.” Chuck yelled and I rolled my eyes. “I know my women, not like these shit stained little momma’s boys.”
“You have no concept of pussy, no concept of how to treat it, or tease it. You just want to own it, but what you don’t know is for a real man, pussy owns you! You have to treat it like a queen or it will tear you up.”
“Yeah tell me another story old man.” Half Dollar rolls his eyes and fingers his Pontiac Symbol Necklace.
“You better not old man me. I know my pussy, I know my music and I know I will whoop your ass.” Chuck said coming down a few step rolling up his sleeves.
Half dollar pulled out a .38 pistol.
I moved so fast the “Dollar” guy never saw it coming. I grabbed the pistol and hit him on the side of his head with it.
“What are you doing?” I screeched at him. “Pulling a gun out on Chuck. He does not have a gun.”
“No-one is gonna disrespect me.”
“What disrespect, Half Dollar? You want to tell me?”
“He is right you thugs walk around here like the fucking bulls in prison and you do not know shit from shine-ola.”
“Chuck here made a complement to Rihanna and you girls want to shoot him.”
“What the fuck?”
P. Diddy made a step towards me and I kicked him in the crotch and he just stood there. I looked at Chuck and we both started laughing.
Diddy picked Half Dollar off the ground and they started back to their house.
“C’Mon Rihanna!”
“I will be there in a bit.” And she started up the drive to talk to Chuck about the guitar.
Diddy and Half turned and started to charge up Chuck’s lawn.
Chuck stepped up and clothes lined Diddy putting him on his back.
Half Dollar turned and started towards him again.
Chuck dropped back into a martial arts stance. When Half was within range Chuck began to do Kung Fu on Half Dollar’s ass. Chuck beat he shit out of him. Only stopping when Rihanna stepped up cryin “No Chuck, don’t hurt him anymore.”
P. Diddy was still on the ground holding his throat and crying silent tears.
Half dollar tried to move but he had no strength and gave up to bleed into Chucks lawn.
Rihanna rubbed Half’s shoulder. “You ok baby? You ok?”
I went over to P. Diddy and bent over him.
“Can you breathe?”
He nodded.
“Then I suggest you get up and leave. Because I think Chuck is about to pee on you both. I turned to look at Chuck. We shared a smile.
P. Diddy got up and staggered to Half Dollar and helped him get up.
“Stupid old man.”
Chuck yelled “This stupid old man just schooled your punk-ass, now git before I get angry.”
Chuck you know they are gonna get their posse and come back.
No they are not. I hit them both with the Tibetan monk transsexual implosion punch. They are both gonna turn into women and then they are gonna have a real tough time.
We laughed and laughed.
The traffic started to pick up so I went home to find someone had stolen all of my junk.
Wendy was in her driveway and she had a smile on her face.
I thought about asking her if she knew what happened to my stuff, but, shit, Wendy scares the shit out of me. It is best for me to just go inside, butter up and sit at the knot hole. Someone has to keep an eye on those lesbians.
Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..
Also reading 
With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..
- 10:54 no coach the pitcher can not balk when the ball is dead my partner had no play no balk jeez. no balk hey do u have ur keys? u may need them #
- 10:58 is really mad @ the level humanity you humans have achieved thus far. had an 11yo tell my partner to "learn how to call a game". #
- 10:58 good partners make good games though that is one thing I am learning #
- 16:25 @malflic ah ha the revolution is about to be started. now all you spoiled grownups are gonna get yours! #
- 16:27 @malflic ah ha the revolution is about to start. now you spoiled parents are gonna get yours! viva la Gerry Davis! #
- 17:42 RT @jchutchins: scottsigler.com/therookie | code: hutch | $3 off | Go | Krakens | (TweetDeck) Viva La Gerry Davis #
- 23:32 Once again someone lost and someone won #
- 23:33 Spend the day being told you suck and then talk 2 me about my rage. #
- 23:33 i like my rage. i like the high. i like the red i see and the heat i feel in my chest. #
- 23:37 now @tacobell waiting in drive thru hell. the crunchy shell is what I crave the and the bean burritto is a fave. eating it whle I drve #
- 23:39 being carefful to stay alive. it takes one mishap and the foods in my lap and the car is in the ditch ah man what a bitch! #
- 10:27 @TheRudeTypist that is funnier than well ok it was funny just funny #
- 10:34 @dewrag1 not meth but real rage. you know the stuff when you mortals are driving to work #
- 11:01 @scottsigler #andicannotspelllshoot #
- 11:07 @scottsigler pfffffrt! done. next on the FDO agenda, the burning of all dictionaries and F7 keyboard keys #
- 11:19 @scottsigler Gigli? #
- 11:20 @scottsigler Ahhh The movie was considered a bomb, often called the worst movie of 2003. #
- 13:08 @ResistSkynet why didn't they just use one of the construction bots to do the digging? #
- 13:16 @scottsigler no, that is fall on a knife, fall .... on ..... a ..... knife scott fall on a knife #
- 15:32 @PezWerewolf I am wearing an ugly face 2day #
- 17:11 @jchutchins you know i used to wish for 5 extra hours for myself and then i realized that someone would demand 5 more hours from me. #
- 18:00 RT @malflic: Ch 2 introduces another morally questionable woman malflic.com/books/it-had-been-years/chapter-02-it-had-been-years/ #
- 18:04 @scottsigler haha "you are not authorized to view this page" ? WTF FDO! #
- 18:07 twitpic.com/3x1h8 - @scottsigler WTF? FDO! #
- 18:42 @scottsigler yes it is yes it is #
- 23:48 @robyngraves Wow. Just wow. #
- 09:57 @tim_taber I umpire Youth sports (fastptch sopftball and baseball). the grown ups all act like it is an epic battle for power #
- 10:31 @joliecain where do all the good authors work? #
- 10:45 Shameless self pimpage tinyurl.com/d8b9yp #rollins #mchammer #Wendyowilliams #
- 11:05 @jchutchins ricky bobby in talladega nights #
- 11:49 @jchutchins the birds #
- 11:54 @jchutchins I win i win wahooo i win ha ha ha ::pointing at the losers:: ::crotch chop to more of the losers:: I win It's my birthday i win #
- 12:14 @ResistSkynet ahh yes vandalism for the greater good. That is always the best way to prove your "good" Intentions. #
- 12:18 @AntiParadox yes they are and so is the student loan people. #
- 12:22 No really i will come for my trial judge. It really is for the kids tinyurl.com/cbe99c. liars and cheats all of them! #
- 15:07 evil clowns of doom www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YFkcwtpGZo #
- 15:34 Currently Browsing: www.instructables.com/id/Waste-Oil-Furnace-For-Melting-Metal/?ALLSTEPS #
- 15:35 Currently Browsing: www.instructables.com/id/Build-a-foundry-and-sand-cast-aluminum/ #
- 20:37 @tim_taber and it waited for IIT to stop their game DOOM to fix our PC we would be send e-mails with smoke and wet blankets #
- 20:38 @tim_taber just kidding. I like it when they screw it up more I can charghe more #
- 10:24 really bad coaches last night i actually prayed for the apocalypse so i could watch the coaches suffer. #
- 10:25 yes there is a reason i doubt the human race can ever be civilized. and youth sports is it! #
- 23:04 Galaxy safe once agian. ur welcome. #
- 09:22 @Gbro green court? i remember it was black #
- 09:33 what is Ursodeoxycholic acid #
- 09:35 is one of the secondary bile acids, YUMMM! Muther fkrs!! #
- 09:41 Currently Browsing: tinyurl.com/d2vj3l #
- 10:00 Diltiazem is a drugs known as benzothiazepines, which are a class of calcium channel blockers, used in the treatment of hypertension #
- 10:07 In My neighborhood #23 tinyurl.com/cq7aoe #
- 10:12 @robyngraves But it ain't Monday! #
- 13:24 @ResistSkynet Bre is a conspiracy nutcase. there is no "evil" coming out of skynet. maybe bre should do a weekend project of "aluminum hats" #
- 13:25 @SkynetResearch Bre is a conspiracy nutcase. there is no "evil" coming out of skynet. maybe Bre shud do a weekend project of "aluminum hats" #
- 13:27 @tonyhawk along with Mondays i also invented the 405 #
- 13:33 @malflic all the other tinyurls are working on my side also. hMMM maybe @ResistSkynet is trying to create a false issues on the net #
- 15:55 @ResistSkynet oooh scary robots and attack of computers? Propaganda, this is like when the railroad was first invented and the telephone #
- 15:56 @ResistSkynet and when electricity was first brought forward. all the fearers of change denounced it as evil. #
- 16:00 @ResistSkynet i have seen nothing menacing from skynetresearch yet #
- 16:01 @ResistSkynet now from you i get propaganda and some crazy rants of a conspiracy nutcase and a few tweets of doom and gloom #
- 16:02 @SkynetResearch you all should see the scary rantings of the lunatics that are following me! WOW. evil computer empires and enslaving robots #
- 18:08 @tim_taber yeah seriously. = #
- 18:40 @SteveIsaacs can i have my two minutes of life back. no? that's fine i would have just touched myself anyways #
- 19:47 @tim_taber yeah then B4 u know it flesh covered unitainium assainrobots are shooting through time to alter thew future #
- 19:51 @resistskynet now you r gunna tell us all that evil ninja robots are out todestry humanity. bleeh #
- 19:52 Battle for galactic power to start. #
- 19:53 of epic proportions #
In my neighborhood #23
In my neighborhood #23
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Our Neighborhood Take Back The Night celebration was last night. This is where we as a bunch of middle class individuals living in our suburban cocoon are suppose to go out in the dark and meet our neighbors and prove to the riff raff that we are not scared of them and our neighborhood is our own.
Aside from the pirates in the Shawn Fanning shanty town next door we really have no trouble. So an occasional drunken lout or a strung out lesbian pop star is the real trouble. Oh yeah there was the Sid and Nancy problem but that has started to run it’s course and even they have gotten on the bus so to speak.
So here we were, out in our yards after sunset. A perfect 72ºF. I was in a portable chair at the curb watching the neighbors mingle. Pam and Kid came over I shared some homebrew with them. We talked about the neighborhood gossip and the possibility of a Baywatch Movie deal in the works.
Johnny Cash came over; we spoke, but did not talk, if you know what I mean. No beer for him he gets moody real fast.
Wendy came over. She makes me feel anxious. We talked about vegan choices at Chilis and she began to start blathering on about ‘the travesty of the human condition.’ Then she started on about the destruction of eating red meat the treatment of cows in the slaughter house. I wanted to know if they should be giving all the cows their religious last rites and satin pillows.
But I do not argue with her she is very mean spirited sometimes and I do not want her mad at me.
Finally she left and I could breathe again.
Henry came over we talked about his last tour, he postulated about the current political climate and how the world as a community should do this night out thing to raise awareness of unethical practices of some other countries. I told him it is called United Nations.
He went “Ahh yeah that’s right. Hmm how do I get hooked up with that gig I could be of some real help with all my worldly knowledge from all my fact finding tours abroad.”
“Henry? Really? Are you serious? “
“Yeah man, I have been to Afghanistan and India and Singapore and Korea and Russia. I have even been to Iraq.” Henry’s chest puffs out with pride.
“And how do you suppose that we fix those countries?” I pointedly asked Henry. And standing up to his monster frame asked “If you are against war and economic sanctions what do you propose we do to get the mean bullies to play nice in the sand box?”
“We bring them up to our industrial level. We educate them on global warming and how a better more affluent citizen makes a better countryman.” He says like he has been waiting for this moment to tell his grand secret.
“But you forget that if we raise the lowest up to above poverty that the ones above poverty will also be risen and the ones in control will make sure they stay in control and thus we have economic slaves with better clothes and wood on the floor of the tar paper shacks. Nothing really changes and we have more people on the planet because they are all healthier.” I reminded him.
“Righteous!” Henry beams like he found another jewel of wisdom.
“NO NO NO. I ranted in my passionate sermon voice. “More people means more farts and more farts means more methane gases and more methane gases means a warmer green house and that means we all die sooner. Yes more comfortable but still sooner.”
“Nah man that won’t happen farts are not the cause of the green house.” Henry says like he is scared he may be wrong.
“Yes methane is one of the main abundant gases that are attributed to the global warming problem. And farts are methane gases.” Arms now flailing and spit flying from my lips.
“HMMM you may have something there.” Henry said looking down at his impossibly small feet. “I will have to start not farting.” Now looking up Henry has a gleam in his eye. “I am going to arrange a ‘No Fart’ tour to raise awareness to this global issue. If I can get just one other human to stop farting then I have reduced the problem by two fold from my perspective. And if I can get more people to do the same we can get this fart thing licked. I know I can get Al Gore to back this whole fart thing up.” Henry said excitedly.
Henry getting excited is kind funny he starts bouncing on the balls of his feet. And he looks like Tigger or a jack in the box just after it sprung.
“Yes this sounds like a plan Henry.” I encouraged. “You should get on this right away before it mushrooms out to an even more devastating problem.”
“Stop the farts and raise free the economic slaves!” I raised my voice in mock excitement and sarcasm.
“I can see the fan base jumping on this and making this a very relevant issue very fast.” Henry said as he started to pace. “I could recapture some of the lost share when I left Black Flag.”
“Yeap I can smell a Nobel peace prize Henry. You da man.” I said like a boxing trainer watching his bull go down.
“Thanks John you are a great neighbor.” He said as he started to pull out his bio-degradable cell phone. Then he turned back to me, “Hey do think I could get that ,….. “ I interrupted. “No you can not get a bird bath installed. Birds fart too you know.”
“They do?” he asked not knowing what to do.
“Sure they have an ass don’t they?” I asked like it was common knowledge to everyone else.
“Yes but they…. Hmmmm you may have something there.” He replied, but I heard the one gear turning and grind on something.
“Wow think about that?” I said with my best sarcastic smile.
“What’s that?” Henry asked.
“The world’s global warming problem solved on my lawn.” My voice still dripping with intense sarcasm.
“Yeah do not worry I will give you credit too.” Henry said as his gear ground and ground on this idea.
“Yeah I am sure you would but you know Henry I am a reserved individual, a humble person and I would appreciate you not mention my name.” I asked in my most pleading and reasonable voice.
“Alright I am going to try and get my agent to return my call so I can get this “No Fart” tour rolling.” Henry lifting the bio-degradable cell phone to his ear.
“Yeah later Henry see ya.” I said as he wondered back to his house.
Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Our Neighborhood Take Back The Night celebration was last night. This is where we as a bunch of middle class individuals living in our suburban cocoon are suppose to go out in the dark and meet our neighbors and prove to the riff raff that we are not scared of them and our neighborhood is our own.
Aside from the pirates in the Shawn Fanning shanty town next door we really have no trouble. So an occasional drunken lout or a strung out lesbian pop star is the real trouble. Oh yeah there was the Sid and Nancy problem but that has started to run it’s course and even they have gotten on the bus so to speak.
So here we were, out in our yards after sunset. A perfect 72ºF. I was in a portable chair at the curb watching the neighbors mingle. Pam and Kid came over I shared some homebrew with them. We talked about the neighborhood gossip and the possibility of a Baywatch Movie deal in the works.
Johnny Cash came over; we spoke, but did not talk, if you know what I mean. No beer for him he gets moody real fast.
Wendy came over. She makes me feel anxious. We talked about vegan choices at Chilis and she began to start blathering on about ‘the travesty of the human condition.’ Then she started on about the destruction of eating red meat the treatment of cows in the slaughter house. I wanted to know if they should be giving all the cows their religious last rites and satin pillows.
But I do not argue with her she is very mean spirited sometimes and I do not want her mad at me.
Finally she left and I could breathe again.
Henry came over we talked about his last tour, he postulated about the current political climate and how the world as a community should do this night out thing to raise awareness of unethical practices of some other countries. I told him it is called United Nations.
He went “Ahh yeah that’s right. Hmm how do I get hooked up with that gig I could be of some real help with all my worldly knowledge from all my fact finding tours abroad.”
“Henry? Really? Are you serious? “
“Yeah man, I have been to Afghanistan and India and Singapore and Korea and Russia. I have even been to Iraq.” Henry’s chest puffs out with pride.
“And how do you suppose that we fix those countries?” I pointedly asked Henry. And standing up to his monster frame asked “If you are against war and economic sanctions what do you propose we do to get the mean bullies to play nice in the sand box?”
“We bring them up to our industrial level. We educate them on global warming and how a better more affluent citizen makes a better countryman.” He says like he has been waiting for this moment to tell his grand secret.
“But you forget that if we raise the lowest up to above poverty that the ones above poverty will also be risen and the ones in control will make sure they stay in control and thus we have economic slaves with better clothes and wood on the floor of the tar paper shacks. Nothing really changes and we have more people on the planet because they are all healthier.” I reminded him.
“Righteous!” Henry beams like he found another jewel of wisdom.
“NO NO NO. I ranted in my passionate sermon voice. “More people means more farts and more farts means more methane gases and more methane gases means a warmer green house and that means we all die sooner. Yes more comfortable but still sooner.”
“Nah man that won’t happen farts are not the cause of the green house.” Henry says like he is scared he may be wrong.
“Yes methane is one of the main abundant gases that are attributed to the global warming problem. And farts are methane gases.” Arms now flailing and spit flying from my lips.
“HMMM you may have something there.” Henry said looking down at his impossibly small feet. “I will have to start not farting.” Now looking up Henry has a gleam in his eye. “I am going to arrange a ‘No Fart’ tour to raise awareness to this global issue. If I can get just one other human to stop farting then I have reduced the problem by two fold from my perspective. And if I can get more people to do the same we can get this fart thing licked. I know I can get Al Gore to back this whole fart thing up.” Henry said excitedly.
Henry getting excited is kind funny he starts bouncing on the balls of his feet. And he looks like Tigger or a jack in the box just after it sprung.
“Yes this sounds like a plan Henry.” I encouraged. “You should get on this right away before it mushrooms out to an even more devastating problem.”
“Stop the farts and raise free the economic slaves!” I raised my voice in mock excitement and sarcasm.
“I can see the fan base jumping on this and making this a very relevant issue very fast.” Henry said as he started to pace. “I could recapture some of the lost share when I left Black Flag.”
“Yeap I can smell a Nobel peace prize Henry. You da man.” I said like a boxing trainer watching his bull go down.
“Thanks John you are a great neighbor.” He said as he started to pull out his bio-degradable cell phone. Then he turned back to me, “Hey do think I could get that ,….. “ I interrupted. “No you can not get a bird bath installed. Birds fart too you know.”
“They do?” he asked not knowing what to do.
“Sure they have an ass don’t they?” I asked like it was common knowledge to everyone else.
“Yes but they…. Hmmmm you may have something there.” He replied, but I heard the one gear turning and grind on something.
“Wow think about that?” I said with my best sarcastic smile.
“What’s that?” Henry asked.
“The world’s global warming problem solved on my lawn.” My voice still dripping with intense sarcasm.
“Yeah do not worry I will give you credit too.” Henry said as his gear ground and ground on this idea.
“Yeah I am sure you would but you know Henry I am a reserved individual, a humble person and I would appreciate you not mention my name.” I asked in my most pleading and reasonable voice.
“Alright I am going to try and get my agent to return my call so I can get this “No Fart” tour rolling.” Henry lifting the bio-degradable cell phone to his ear.
“Yeah later Henry see ya.” I said as he wondered back to his house.
Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..
Also reading
With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..
- 09:49 is getting his ass handed to him by by some guy named peesleeper21. there are that many named peesleeper that he had to add 21. #
- 09:50 xbox call of duty 5 not so cool anymore. #
- 11:19 has found out his liver is fatty and has a cyst. is this serious? he does not know. but it don't sound good. #
- 11:19 I may be extra cranky for a bit #
- 11:57 @malflic i should rephrase this 2 fullon on a rage binge. The doctor will not say anything more than it could be serious go 2 the specialist #
- 11:58 can't we just slap that sucker on a tread mill and work it out? #
- 11:58 if i drank a lot i would understand but this is crap. #
- 12:09 @tim_taber why don't you? they cost 3k to 5k. share the trans fee with the courthouse and your in business. i am working a deal with my LL #
- 15:52 @tim_taber no way get in the mud with the rest of the pigs and pirates and the whores beat them at their own slanted oppressive game. #
- 17:31 @Revsleestaxx was here before @oprah herebeforeoprah.com #herebeforeoprah #
- 17:58 Currently Browsing: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fatty_liver #
- 17:59 Currently Browsing: tinyurl.com/c8cv9l #
- 17:59 Currently Browsing: tinyurl.com/yeaybf #
- 17:59 Currently Browsing: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corticosteroid #
- 17:59 Currently Browsing: tinyurl.com/c4amhs #
- 17:59 Currently Browsing: www.mayoclinic.com/health/medical/IM03725 #
- 18:00 Currently Browsing: tinyurl.com/d6ayfg #
- 18:01 Currently Browsing: tinyurl.com/cc9arf #
- 18:01 Currently Browsing: tinyurl.com/cjl9ez #
- 18:02 closing for the end of the day have much reading to do tonight! #
- 18:43 @malflic I have whooped the grim reapers ass afew times and I have diverted fate on more than one occasion. #
- 18:50 @tim_taber whos that? the grime reaper of fate? #
- 18:56 @tim_taber sorry i meant grim reaper OR fate or both? #
- 18:57 @tim_taber i may have to send fate your way to divert him again but no one should ever send the reaper to anybody. that Muther is mean #
- 18:57 @tim_taber and he does not fight cleanly. fortunately neither do I #
In my neighborhood #22
In my neighborhood #22
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
The HOA sponsored an Easter celebration for the neighborhood kids. And Easter egg hunt was had. Candy (no brown M&Ms) was handed out and Henry Rollins was in the Easter bunny suit for pictures and entertainment for the kids.
I was done handing out candy and potato plastic Easter baskets so I decided to sit on a bench by the playground equipment.
“hey John you really a reverend?” I turned to see Eminem sitting next to me.
“Yes Marshall I am”
“Can we talk?”
“Sure what about.”
“I have been having anger issues and I have been in the dumps lately. Do you think there is really a god?”
“Yes I know there is because he speaks to me everyday. What has that got to do with your anger and depression?”
“I just want to know if there is really a reason for it all. You know what I mean?”
Just then Henry starts flopping on the ground in front of the kids. He looks like a fish until he starts yelling about grenades and the kids start throwing the hard boiled eggs at him.
He starts talking about his arms and legs being blow’d off. Some of the kids stop giggling and start to look frightened.
Henry starts to lecture the wee tikes about the evil of wars.
“Hey Henry” Eminem yells. “Give it a rest, you’re starting to scare the kids.”
Henry looks at us. “But…” Just then some entourage member of Eminem’s stepped toward Henry.
“Yeah you’re right Em, We should be just celebrating the rise of commercial religion and the monsters that consumerism has breeds.”
Eminem throws an egg at Henry maybe a little too hard and the egg bounces off the left side of Rollins’ head. He yelps and the kids start to giggle and throw the eggs at Rollins a bit harder now, but he plays along acting now like a rabbit, then a duck, and then a rabbit again.
“Marshall what were you saying about being worth it?”
“No,” he says looking straight at me to make the point of the seriousness. “it is worth it but is there a reason for it all. I mean I work hard to write these deep meaning lyrics and the only thing that gets play is the same bubble gum crap. I try to educate the fan base but they all just act like sheep. Why? What is the reason for the fire in me to write real shit and he only thing that gets noticed is me riffing on the stupidity of it all and the insults I make towards other famous people.”
“What has this got to do with god?” I ask.
“Well if there is a god like you say and he has a purpose for me and I am fulfilling that purpose, then why do I still feel so empty and angry all the time?”
“Why are my real songs being ignored, why does it depress me about the shady, stealing shifty, fuckers that have latched on to me like a leeches.” He paused looking out over the small crowd of children.
The pause was so long that I thought he was done. And then he restarted
“If there was a god he would make my other stuff noticed and keep the suckers off my back. Right?”
“Well actually no.” I said already sorry for the answer before I could finish. “See the lord gave us all free will and so he can not make other people like your truer songs.”
“You are fulfilling your purpose. It seems that gods plan for you is to be a father better than your father, a performer that entertains and educates, and a voice for the many that are suffering poverty.”
“You are doing all these things. You should be happy and feel fulfilled.
“But I am not.” He sighed visibly frustrated.
“Then I would say you are guilty of something.” I said rather Harsly but he is a man he can handle the truth.
“WHAT?”
“Now it is my experience that if one is doing what one loves to do, then that person is happy, but if that person is not happy then they are guilty of something and in your case it would be your success.”
“What why would I be guilty of my success?” He said puzzled.
“You do not feel you are worth the admiration and accolades that are thrusted upon you. You feel that somewhere there was a point that you should have failed and stayed PWT. But here you are old fat and rich. You grew up fighting for everything and now everything is handed to you and you have all this fight left and no real channel for the energy.” I paused for this to sink in a bit.
“Dude, accept that you are successful, that you are old, you are fat, and you are rich. Accept that you have become all that you despised when you were young and relish in the fact that you can make positive changes in other people’s lives.”
“Is that why Henry is so happy?”
“Well henry is too dumb to be happy because he has never realized that he is old, fat, rich and irrelevant.” We laughed and watch him mock wrestle a stuffed panda bear.
“He still does not have that stupid bird bath and he is happy. I think that maybe he was behind the door when the brains were being handed out.”
Marshall smiled that evil smile he had when he was young.
“Thanks John you were a big help. So there really is a god?”
“Yes there is.” Staring into the sun behind his head. {Fucker}
“Are you sure?” Cocking his head to one side.
“Yes I am, he just told me to tell you to come by on Thursday.”
“Really? What happens on Thursday?
“Just some more education I think you deserve it you old fat man.
“Ha you are older than me John.” He smiled.
“And yet I am happier.” I smiled back to meet his
Marshall scooped up his kids and headed home.
Johnny Cash was playing gospel songs for the crowd. It was a nice day.
Henry came up covered in egg and candy with grass stains on his furry knees.
“Hey John, do you think the HOA will pay for he cleaning bill of my bunny suit?”
“No Henry they will not. They did not ask you to roll on the ground and act like a wounded war vet. They did not ask you to dress up as a bunny. You volunteered. Hey why do you have a bunny suit anyways?”
“My sexual preferences are none of your business.” He shot back in defiance and shame.
“Well you could have said ‘it was a charity thing you do’ but, now we all know you are a sick twisted, bird loving, old punker with little else to do but get kinky in a bunny suit.”
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
The HOA sponsored an Easter celebration for the neighborhood kids. And Easter egg hunt was had. Candy (no brown M&Ms) was handed out and Henry Rollins was in the Easter bunny suit for pictures and entertainment for the kids.
I was done handing out candy and potato plastic Easter baskets so I decided to sit on a bench by the playground equipment.
“hey John you really a reverend?” I turned to see Eminem sitting next to me.
“Yes Marshall I am”
“Can we talk?”
“Sure what about.”
“I have been having anger issues and I have been in the dumps lately. Do you think there is really a god?”
“Yes I know there is because he speaks to me everyday. What has that got to do with your anger and depression?”
“I just want to know if there is really a reason for it all. You know what I mean?”
Just then Henry starts flopping on the ground in front of the kids. He looks like a fish until he starts yelling about grenades and the kids start throwing the hard boiled eggs at him.
He starts talking about his arms and legs being blow’d off. Some of the kids stop giggling and start to look frightened.
Henry starts to lecture the wee tikes about the evil of wars.
“Hey Henry” Eminem yells. “Give it a rest, you’re starting to scare the kids.”
Henry looks at us. “But…” Just then some entourage member of Eminem’s stepped toward Henry.
“Yeah you’re right Em, We should be just celebrating the rise of commercial religion and the monsters that consumerism has breeds.”
Eminem throws an egg at Henry maybe a little too hard and the egg bounces off the left side of Rollins’ head. He yelps and the kids start to giggle and throw the eggs at Rollins a bit harder now, but he plays along acting now like a rabbit, then a duck, and then a rabbit again.
“Marshall what were you saying about being worth it?”
“No,” he says looking straight at me to make the point of the seriousness. “it is worth it but is there a reason for it all. I mean I work hard to write these deep meaning lyrics and the only thing that gets play is the same bubble gum crap. I try to educate the fan base but they all just act like sheep. Why? What is the reason for the fire in me to write real shit and he only thing that gets noticed is me riffing on the stupidity of it all and the insults I make towards other famous people.”
“What has this got to do with god?” I ask.
“Well if there is a god like you say and he has a purpose for me and I am fulfilling that purpose, then why do I still feel so empty and angry all the time?”
“Why are my real songs being ignored, why does it depress me about the shady, stealing shifty, fuckers that have latched on to me like a leeches.” He paused looking out over the small crowd of children.
The pause was so long that I thought he was done. And then he restarted
“If there was a god he would make my other stuff noticed and keep the suckers off my back. Right?”
“Well actually no.” I said already sorry for the answer before I could finish. “See the lord gave us all free will and so he can not make other people like your truer songs.”
“You are fulfilling your purpose. It seems that gods plan for you is to be a father better than your father, a performer that entertains and educates, and a voice for the many that are suffering poverty.”
“You are doing all these things. You should be happy and feel fulfilled.
“But I am not.” He sighed visibly frustrated.
“Then I would say you are guilty of something.” I said rather Harsly but he is a man he can handle the truth.
“WHAT?”
“Now it is my experience that if one is doing what one loves to do, then that person is happy, but if that person is not happy then they are guilty of something and in your case it would be your success.”
“What why would I be guilty of my success?” He said puzzled.
“You do not feel you are worth the admiration and accolades that are thrusted upon you. You feel that somewhere there was a point that you should have failed and stayed PWT. But here you are old fat and rich. You grew up fighting for everything and now everything is handed to you and you have all this fight left and no real channel for the energy.” I paused for this to sink in a bit.
“Dude, accept that you are successful, that you are old, you are fat, and you are rich. Accept that you have become all that you despised when you were young and relish in the fact that you can make positive changes in other people’s lives.”
“Is that why Henry is so happy?”
“Well henry is too dumb to be happy because he has never realized that he is old, fat, rich and irrelevant.” We laughed and watch him mock wrestle a stuffed panda bear.
“He still does not have that stupid bird bath and he is happy. I think that maybe he was behind the door when the brains were being handed out.”
Marshall smiled that evil smile he had when he was young.
“Thanks John you were a big help. So there really is a god?”
“Yes there is.” Staring into the sun behind his head. {Fucker}
“Are you sure?” Cocking his head to one side.
“Yes I am, he just told me to tell you to come by on Thursday.”
“Really? What happens on Thursday?
“Just some more education I think you deserve it you old fat man.
“Ha you are older than me John.” He smiled.
“And yet I am happier.” I smiled back to meet his
Marshall scooped up his kids and headed home.
Johnny Cash was playing gospel songs for the crowd. It was a nice day.
Henry came up covered in egg and candy with grass stains on his furry knees.
“Hey John, do you think the HOA will pay for he cleaning bill of my bunny suit?”
“No Henry they will not. They did not ask you to roll on the ground and act like a wounded war vet. They did not ask you to dress up as a bunny. You volunteered. Hey why do you have a bunny suit anyways?”
“My sexual preferences are none of your business.” He shot back in defiance and shame.
“Well you could have said ‘it was a charity thing you do’ but, now we all know you are a sick twisted, bird loving, old punker with little else to do but get kinky in a bunny suit.”
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