To the class of 2012.
Dear lord
Grant us the strength
to vanquish the evil that opposes your will. Grant us the courage to stand up
for what is right and might. Help us to
evangelize your word through our accomplishments. Though our wins lord the
blasphemers and the unrighteous will see you your strength and your might.
As I look out on the fresh seemingly innocent faces, I am
reminded of how awesome it was when I was young. How when I was taking on the
world not as a bringer of justice or herald of the lord, but like most of you,
a young mind filled with lusty ideas and fleshy desires. I went out into the
world shoving my dick in just about everything it would fit into. I thought
that if I fucked enough that I would become powerful and I could change the
world.
But alas the lord
knows better and he beat me at every turn, until I found my calling. [Looking
skyward and holding up my hands] Oh lord the lessons you taught me! [Now smile
at the audience].
You too will go out into the world and fuck it up! You will
go out and camp in a park and [air quotes] Blog about how it is unfair that you
have to work to find a job and how [air quotes] unfair it all is that the ones
before have had all the great ideas and have collected so much wealth.
But you what you don’t realize is that every one of those
bastard pirates and corporate whore mongers have sold their soul to get what
they have. And they will go to hell for it! They will have their feet placed to
the fire for all eternity. And they will be below watching as you, the young, inherit
everything that they have built, and stolen. [loud] You will have the opportunity
to smelt down their golden calf and cast it into a new image, a new muther
fucking idol! You will write a new freaking book on how shit gets done.
You will choose who eats and who doesn’t, you will be in
charge or whether or not the pirates and corporate whores get their diapers
changed. You and your classmates will be the bringers of a new apocalypse, you
will be tearing down this world and building
a new one. You all will bring about a new era of how shit is done and who gets
to do the shit. But, [long pause and a wicked smile] there is always a but
[look to your left at the last chair or oldest asshole over there], you have to
get the power. And the power is sadly more education, [laugh and pause] yeah I know
you just finished school and now the good Reverend Sleestaxx is telling you
that you have more school ahead of you.
But do not be surprised to find your road a bit hard and
rough. They do not want you to wrest the control from them. Right now they are
already building defensive blockades raising tuition and mucking up the economy
to drive a greater divide between the classes. So do not dally, do not
procrastinate, do not go and spend your time foolishly shoving your dick into every
hole you find. Get in, get down, and get the fuck out.
The nice thing for y’all
is that with the right amount of power your fight with the fuckers of this
world is not going to be very bloody or very costly. Because those grubby, fat
fingered piss ants in charge will have retired or be too old and too blind from
compliancy to even see you coming,
So please do not
waste your youth on the road side crying about the inequities of the establishment
and how the poor stay poor and the rich stay rich. Go out and work hard, learn
hard, and play mother fucking hard. Break things, get messy and for the love of
god do not cry, because, you know what, when you are their age they will be in
need of you to change their diapers and care for them and that is when you can
extract your revenge for having to live in a world where we have to fight for
stupid shit like same sex marriages, and whether or not some pro-athlete did
drugs.
When you are in
charge, and you will be, you can fix all the mistakes we have made. You will
have the opportunity to right all of our wrongs.
[signal the sound manager for more bass] [raising voice] You
will become the new rulers of the new world! [Yelling] You will be the writers
of the new rule book! YOU WILL BE IN CHARGE!
You will be in more control of more shit than just the small
little spit of dirt called a country, you will be FUCKING GLOBAL! You and your
generation will be in charge of EVERYTHING!
Now go out there and fuck it all up like we did! Congratulations
to the class of 2012.