A Stinky Contraption

 The shoes were a stinky contraption of leather, rubber and canvas held together by man made threads. The logo design was no longer important because they just hung on the wire. On the wire the shoes told everybody that a bad man lived here and to stay away.

Everyday they were a constant reminder to him that he let a banger take his shoes. Shoes his daddy bought for him, just before he left. His momma was so mad when he came home that she beat him.

 And now he hides under the porch smoking pot barefooted in the mud.

A Stinky Contraption

 The shoes were a stinky contraption of leather, rubber and canvas held together by man made threads. The logo design was no longer important because they just hung on the wire. On the wire the shoes told everybody that a bad man lived here and to stay away.

Everyday they were a constant reminder to him that he let a banger take his shoes. Shoes his daddy bought for him, just before he left. His momma was so mad when he came home that she beat him.

 And now he hides under the porch smoking pot barefooted in the mud.

I do charity some times

So I do charity events damn near all weekend. (Umpire for free)
Friday a fundraiser for the high school fun and nothing really to mention
Saturday was pay at the plate and that was nice 110 for 5hours
Sunday was a toy for tots drive. The teams all bring toys and they get to playa tourney.

Saturday 14 girls fast pitch. I was awesome.
I covered third and my partner was slow to get to home almost blew it.
I pooched a first base safe call and knew it. First was bobbling the ball as the runner crossed the bag. I came up to fast with the call and I knew it.
They asked for the appeal and I gave it to them my partner knew I needed the bail. I changed my call
I lost count once and I missed 3 pitches total for the whole game.

Sunday
I do 10s behind the mound. The strike zone is weird from back there. And when the sun is in your eyes it is worse.
At the start I was told that a kid has to fall off the mound to get a balk.
This is a good time for the coaches to pitch the other boys.
So there was some balks but I did not call them ( I was told they have to drop the ball of fall off the mound to get a balk).
My last game was 12s behind the mound. They thanked me for my time and they thanked me for wearing the Santa hat and they thought that was a nice touch.
White vs. blue.
The sun was in the batters eyes so I tightened the zone a bit.
Whites pitcher was throwing inside 2 balls wide and I would call a ball. then the pitcher would mutter under his breath "come on blue".
The bitching started and a dad yells “that was a curve ball blue haven’t you seen a curve ball before.”
I yell “the ball still has to cross the plate to work.”
More retarded comments form both sides and then the half.
I stand on the offensive side and curve ball dad says "you got to hang with the curve" meaning that he felt I was giving up on the pitch too soon.
“No sir I am here as a volunteer and if you think you are better then maybe you should get out here in my stead.”
“I would love to.”
“Then you should not be so rude and disrespectful.”
He does not move and then says “you got to help the pitcher out some.
You got to hang with the curve ball.”
“No I have had enough of your mouth you sir are done no more you are rude and disrespectful”
“But I was....”
I turn to a coach from his team and tell the coach,
“I have had enough of his rude mouth. any more at all you and him will be in the parking lot charity or not and there is still an hour 10 minutes left to play. “
“do we understand?”
“yes “
Now I was loud enough for everyone to here and everyone knew I had enough
Blue coach said we are just joking with you, you know for fun, keeps you on your toes.
No sir that is not right. I get paid for the abuse and I am not getting paid today.
The white coach later apologizes and says he realizes that I am volunteering and he is sorry for the dad.
“No that is fine the issue is behind us now and the warning stands.”
The score is now blue 8 white 1 bottom of five with 6 minutes left to go.
Two outs and Flair to left gets a boy from blue on base.
Boy steals to second then to third.
Pitcher is trying to hold the boy on but the boy is too quick back to the bag.
The pitch steps to set and starts his motion and I see his foot 13 inches off the rubber.
“That’s a balk“
I balked the winning run into home to finish the game 3 minutes early.

Zombies and The Lord By Rev J. Sleestaxx

This being the Halloween week I thought a bit of Halloween bible would be appropriate.
So we will talk about what the bible has to say about zombies and cannibalism. But first is it cannibalism for a zombie to eat the living.
To eat the corpses of the dead is called Necrophagy. And cannibalism is the killing and eating of the same species. The bible states that this is practiced in the past.

Lam 4:10 The hands of tenderhearted women cooked their own children, who became their food, when my people were destroyed.

WOW their own children that is harsh. But you got to do what you got to do.

John 6:54 The one who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day.

The bible also speaks of zombies. Celebrating Zombies even;

Isa 26:19
Your dead will come back to life; your corpses will rise up. Wake up and shout joyfully, you who live in the ground! For you will grow like plants drenched with the morning dew, and the earth will bring forth its dead spirits.

Wow even the lord and god believe that the dead are allowed to come back and walk and dance and sing. Although zombie purists would say that true zombies can not articulate at all. But the bible's zombies can shout joyfully about being a zombie and grow like plants.
It would appear that being a zombie would be a state in which one would be happy about.

The bible also speaks about feeding zombies and zombie residency.

Deu 14:21
You may not eat any corpse, though you may give it to the resident foreigner who is living in your villages and he may eat it, or you may sell it to a foreigner.

So I guess that if you are a zombie you are no longer a resident of your country. I would guess that that would make sense and that you would automatically become a member of the zombie nation. the lord loves everyone so i imagine that when Jesus died and then became a zombie it was also for the salvation of the undead also.

1Cor 15:29 Otherwise, what will those do who are baptized for the dead? If the dead are not raised at all, then why are they baptized for them?

Mat 22:13 Then the king said to his attendants, ‘Tie him up hand and foot and throw him into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth!’ 22:14 For many are called, but few are chosen.”

For one to be "thrown to zombies", sounds to me, to be a celebrated position and one that should relished and a position of pride and stature.
I would think that this is because at some point in the feeding you are now a zombie too and the other zombies stop eating you and then you begin to look for live flesh to consume.

John 6:55 For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink.

The bible even speaks of a whole city of undead.

Eze 11:6
You have killed many people in this city; you have filled its streets with corpses.

Can you imagine the film prospects and television shows that could be generated from a city like this today? There could be a competition reality show of contestants having to navigate though a city of zombies with out becoming one for cash and prizes. All the prizes you obtained could be given to your loved ones should you not make it!

Deu 25:5
If brothers live together and one of them dies without having a son, the dead man’s wife must not remarry someone outside the family. Instead, her late husband’s brother must go to her, marry her, and perform the duty of a brother-in-law.

You could have a MTV real life in Zombieville and the dysfunctional teenagers can fornicate and drink to excess and sin in zombie town. They can have the sinners of the show date some of the zombies. They should not mind since the bible protects them from marring the zombies.

Luk 20:35
But those who are regarded as worthy to share in that age and in the resurrection from the dead neither marry nor are given in marriage.

The sinners and felons in prison who worry about the injection being too painful can be thrown into zombie city. There they can carve out an existence with the undead until they succumb to the ways of the zombie. This would take care of the prison problem, and the zombie feeding problem that would arise.

Eze 39:18
You will eat the flesh of warriors and drink the blood of the princes of the earth – the rams, lambs, goats, and bulls, all of them fattened animals of Bashan.

I could also see the nut cases starting a zombie advocacy group saying the television shows and movies were taking advantage of the zombies and that someone had to speak for them since they can only say brains.
I would imagine this city of zombies is not unlike the malls in the movies, You know where the mall is filled with zombies looking for more flesh and brains to consume. Why the mall?? I personally would try to get away from the rest of the zombie pack and maybe hide in the bushes by like the IRS office. Then I would leap out and grab the auditors as they came by.

No one knows why living flesh is needed but zombies have needed living flesh since the dawn of time. There must be something in the flesh that appeals to zombies. But the bible states that living flesh is indeed needed by zombies.

John 6:53 Jesus said to them, “I tell you the solemn truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in yourselves.

To eat the flesh of the son of man is to give life. So both life and a zombie state is talked about in the bible as being a state one would not mind being in.

But the bible also has instructions on how to kill a zombie. This was written before the shotgun was invented to blow the heads off of fucking bad zombies.
I say bad zombies because I can not think of a reason why the lord would instruct in how to kill a zombie after speaking so highly of the creation and care of zombies. But how to kill a zombie is also talked about.

So I will say these instructions are fro a time when there was only one way to kill a sinning zombie.

Jdg 4:21 Then Jael wife of Heber took a tent peg in one hand and a hammer in the other. She crept up on him, drove the tent peg through his temple into the ground.

The bible also speaks of the living eating zombies and the dead. I can imagine during war and great famines when the lord was angry, that his people would need to eat something and eating the dead and the evil sinners that entered you city or domicile would make complete sense to me and the lord.

Eze 11:7
Therefore, this is what the sovereign Lord says: ‘The corpses you have dumped in the midst of the city are the meat, and this city is the cooking pot.

To be sure that your in fact dealing with a zombie and to be sure that anyone who has comein contact with a zombie is not or is a zombie the bible also leave provisions or a test when one comes in contact with a zombie.

Num 19:11
“‘Whoever touches the corpse of any person will be ceremonially unclean seven days.

I imagine that 7 days is a sufficient time to be sure that the zombie infection has not taken a hold of you. So if you are in a situation where you think that a loved one has been in contact with a zombie you must keep them away for 7 days. if after 7 days they are showing sign of zombie ism then you may break bread and have them in your domicile.

There was a time in history that the lord created 185 thousand zombies over night. I am willing to bet that this was around Halloween.

Isa 37:36
The Lord’s messenger went out and killed 185,000 troops in the Assyrian camp. When they got up early the next morning, they were all corpses!

Now did he bring them back after Halloween? The bible does not say so. But I can imagine that it would suck to wake up and be dead.
Maybe we will find out on the morning of the 31st. Maybe the lord will turn us all into the undead for Halloween. We can wake up dead on one day and wake up alive on the next. We will all have a better appreciation for being alive after being dead for a day.
Plus I bet you can get a free personal day from work if you can say that you were dead.
So when the 31st rolls around do not be surprised if you wake up dead. Do not be surprised by the dead knocking at your door. And be mindful of the malls during this time also.
The church will be offering candy at a Halloween fair for the kids since there are too many fucking freaks out there. If you do not want to risk taking your wonderful devils witches angels and movies heroes out in the neighborhood bring them on down to the fair.
We will have a haunted house, a jumping thingy and we will also have a marathon boxing lesson for any of the kids.
The street evangelizing has been very successful and we have beat the lord into many of the thugs and sinners in the city over the past month.
We have had a large turnout in the applications for deaconship and I would like to announce that the first female deacon has been accepted.
Please welcome Shannon Lark as the first female deacon. I am sure that you will all make her feel welcome.
Please find the time to stop in the foyer and welcome slash congratulate her on the position

Memories and darker places

I was touching bad memories and evoking disturbing emotions the other day and thought that hey this ruined my Sunday how about I ruin everybody’s Tuesday. I am sorry but this is a bit of therapy for me and I now think I can start putting this to down I a tangable format.

I remember lying in bed at night praying that I would get to sleep before they got home. She would be too drunk to occupy him and once she fell asleep and he found me awake....well never mind that horror show. But I remember lying in bed thinking that there has to be a better place than this. Some place that did not hurt. Some place that was warm and nothing was threatening.
I used to think that I could remember a time when that was true. That if I squinted just right and pulled on the edges of my young memory I could see my real dad and my mom smiling and the sun out and there is a fish on the end of my line on my bamboo pole.
I remember laughing at my mom running from the fish as I pulled it out of the water too fast. I remember my dad, my real dad and how brave he was grabbing the squirming flopping fish without hesitation and pulling the hook out of the mouth that made the OH but never spoke.
Another time
I remember the principle coming to my house. I felt so proud when I opened the door and he was there. Man he seemed tall in the door way.
I remember the smile he greeted me with. I remember my mother asking if I was in trouble and him laughing and saying "John? Heavens no."
Then my square headed “Frankenstein” step dad coming in from the back yard and grumbling "who is this"
And my principle introduced him self.
My mother asking if he would like a drink or something. And he said that would not be necessary.
I got embarrassed then because principles do not eat or drink anything, and this must be a special occasion for him to leave school. Man, Mom you had to have known that!
My step father demanding to know why he was here.
He said 'he was here to talk about john'
I was told to go to my room.
I heard the principle say that last week there was test and
The dip shit failed...
No..... I shut the door.
There was murmuring and laughter
Then I heard my step father yelling and then I heard a slap
Then I heard my name being called
And I came out and I was asked what my name was and I told him “John Sleestaxx”.
My mother just sat there with her hand on her cheek and the principle sat there uncomfortable looking at his shoes.
Then my step father said, "there you go he's a Sleestaxx and there is no way a Sleestaxx is smart his real daddy is stupid and he is too.
You made a mistake and I want you all at the school to forget it. There will be no more tests for him and you will leave him in the class he is in." Leave me in my class? Man I must have really failed bad. They wanted to put me back into third grade.
I was glad about that because Miss Meyers was pretty and I liked being in her class.
Mom just sat there as the principle got up, looked at me and smiled, and said that he was sorry for intruding. He shook my hand and I remember my hand just disappearing in his.
And then my step father said that he had overstayed his welcome.
The principle said that he was sorry again and left.
The door closed and I wondered what had happened
I asked my mom as she got up to make dinner "why did Mr. Steiner come over?"
But she said that it was mistake and my stepfather said, "You know Johnny you are just a Sleestaxx and if you were special your daddy would have you at his house with his new wife and kids."
At that moment I knew my step father was right. If I was special I would be with my father, he would have kept me. I would not be here.
But that is as far too happy or proud as I ever get.
I can not recall anything happy about my child hood from that point on.
Just dodging the drunk and the angry mom.

Sermons have been moved

 Subscribe in a reader

A boy with Down syndrome is at the park with his father. They walk by a baseball field and the boy stops to watch the other boys play a close game of baseball. The boy is speaking to his father about how he would like to play and his father is explaining that the game had already started and that the game was too close to have him join in. The boys playing over hear dad and ask the boy to join in the game.
The score is still very close and the boy is on the "on deck circle". The boy sees the cleats on the boy that just struck out, making the outs two with a tie score.
The boy begins to scream that he wants the spiky shoes too. Left field offers to let the boy borrow his and he'll play bare foot for the last out.
The pitcher lobs the ball across the plate for the boy to hit. The boy drills one into the pitchers ball side wrist shattering every bone and piece of cartilage. Short stop fields the ball cleanly and takes his time to throw the ball to first. As he does the throw goes errant, a little over the first baseman's head. First base then stretches and leans back to reach for the ball and as the first baseman misses the ball the boy stomps on first baseman's right ankle snapping it at the joint.
Right field, who has always thought he should be allowed to play third, notices at that instant that there is a fuzzy caterpillar in the grass at his feet, and holy cow look 7 lady bugs all in one place. How weird is that?
The boy rounds towards second as the catcher picks up the overthrown ball and throws towards second who is still looking at the first baseman's right angle ankle. The ball hits the second baseman in the temple and he drops like a sack of laundry.
The runner now touches second and begins to head to third as the short stop retrieves the ball and throws to third who is preparing for a tag. Third moves into the tag position and receives the ball and starts to throw the tag as the boy drops into a slide. The boy raises a foot and slams it into the third baseman’s groin rupturing his left testicle causing him to drop the ball.
The boy pops up and begins toward home as short again retrieves the ball and throws to home.
The catcher closes the gate as the ball and boy converge at the plate. The boys drops into a text book figure four slide and collides with the catcher's shins, hyper extending both of the catchers knees, tearing the meniscus and ACL of both of his young joints. The catcher falls back like a 300 foot redwood.
The boy touches home, gets up, kicks clay into the crying eyes of the catcher and yells to the field, "You have just been schooled by a retard."
The first baseman who is now permanently crippled sues the city and wins.
The father of the second baseman begins to drink heavily and one night drives his car into a house. The family that lived in the house wins a multi-million dollar lawsuit over the death of a cat, two gold fish, and a hamster. The depressed and despondent mother testifies as a vice president of a large tobacco company, that the tobacco industry has known forever about the cancer and addiction and still produced dangerous products to the public with malice. The attorneys receive 100 billion dollars and the rest of everyone who felt they were injured by cigarettes and tobacco received coupons for free tobacco products and plenty of public service announcements every 13 minutes.
The family of the third baseman started a foundation for the children of one nutted third basemen. The boy was made president and now receives 500,000 dollar yearly salary.
The catcher is a mechanic in service station in a small town in Arizona
The short stop lives in the Dallas-Fort worth area and can be regularly seen on johntv.com with prostitutes.

81162-070821-728752-51

© 2007 All Rights Reserved.

More kool-aid please

i was goign to write something here about how my job is marginized and the work enviroment has tanked but then i realized i just needed another cup of kool-aid

It is not a sport to abuse the umpires

What has happened in our culture that has made it a sport to verbally abuse umpires??
Where and what strike zone are these bones teaching our kids.
The strike zone exists where the umpire says it does as this is a judgment call
As the ball crosses any part of the fucken plate. The written strike zone reads "a strike is called if any part of the ball enters the strike zone." And this is as just below the god-damn knees to the leading arm pit as a batter was to swing at the ball.
That word "any" means a thread, a 1/4, the black, the white, if the damn ball starts above the knee and ends in the fucking dirt.
The strike zone is not a flat plane but a 3 dimensional rectangle drawn at every pitch. And your little Xerox turd copy can duck, bob, dive back and make faces all they want but the box was drawn when the stood at the plate, and if they jump out, or duck the box bigger, I am not going to penalize the pitcher because your child can't stand in the box.
I have grandpa behind me calling pitches. I have mommies taking it personal when their kid strikes out looking (not swinging at the third strike). Believe me I hate to ring a kid up more than any umpire. I as a coach hated the backwards "K". It stood for not trying, not protecting your strike zone.
Mommies talk to your coaches and your husbands about what a proper strike zone is before you start treating me like a monster out to eat little kids. If that pitcher can consistently paint the corner of the plate a double "oh" brush with a 3" freaking ball I am going to give him his strike. And you parents can act as if I am killing kittens on field all you want, the fact remains that was a strike it had been when your pitcher was throwing the goddamn ball and it is a strike now.
And when the rule says "pitcher and catcher of record" and you are visitor and you are at the top of the 1st inning. You do not have a catcher or a pitcher yet. The rule is states of record so you can not arbitrary decide that your slowest runner is now a catcher but later you change you mind and choose another player to catch. And if the tournament director says “they can” switch means “they will allow it” not that that is the correct interpretation. "They can" means “they are allowed to”. The rule literally states "of record" which means until your player has played that position he is not that position player. AND DO NOT COME UP TO ME AFTER THE GAME TO INSURE THAT I WAS INSTRUCTED ON THE RULE!! WHAT THE FUCK YOU STUPID TURD!! THEY SAID THEY WILL ALLOW IT NOTHING more than that. Then to jump up and down insisting that I was wrong AFTER the game, is just trying to have a pissing contest. So do not be offended when I ask “why are we still having this conversation” the freaking game was over. And do you realize how retarded you looked when you yelled after me as I walked away?? HA HA HA HA man did you look stupid “We know you are going to make bad calls just know the rules?” and just about every person I came into contact with after that said "what was that coaches problem?" As I always explain it as “when you are on the short side of any score you will try and find any reason why it is not your fault.”
And to the coach about the balk, yes your boy balked, he paused on his movement to third, which I deemed a feint, regardless of his lifting and turning to first, he paused it was a feint with the foot on the rubber. I may not have explained that properly and I was a bit pissed from the last game and the opposing coach had I pissed off because he made my job harder by calling balk before I did. I am trying to slow down my calls so that my calls do not have to change because of stupid kid player crap. Like dropping the ball, over running the bag