Everyday You Wake Up

Everyday you wake up and slobber on the phallus of corporate America. Drinking down their vile seed, begging for more of the bitter spooge.

 There are so many lies and false promises that the air around them tastes of vomit and garbage and deceit.

 But there you are first in line to take them to your chest, like a self-loathing lover, you have no more self-respect than a crack whore.

 Everytime the get a stiffy, you think this time they will care. That you will get some return, but no, they grunt, they pump and they dump. Off they go tossing a lie or two over their shoulder as they head out the door.

 No kiss, no call, no after thought. You are the whore mistress. They don't remember your name when they get to the curb.

 But you allow their evil despicable acts everytime.

 But you spit, slobber and snot yourself and raise the corporate thieves on high. You treat them like saints and canonized miracle makers.

 You'd kill your neighbor to be the one to receive their feces that are thrust down from their sacred mountain built upon the souls of the rest of the consumers and workers.

Licking the balls

Ball lickers.

I was on the bases; I was into my 5th game. 

I was in "C" (3rd base side of pitcher’s mound)

 I was watching the losing team’s pitcher waiting for the runner on second to steal when I looked up and saw the pitcher with the ball in the glove and his face in the glove getting the signal from the catcher.

When lo' the pitcher was taking his mouth off the ball......? He pitched.

Wait what did I just say? Did I really just see that? Really? No effin way did that just happen!

I shifted over to get a better look into the glove. The pitcher received the throw back and looked right into my eyes. 

If this is just a tick then I am going to just warn him and the Maroon Coach.

The pitcher looks again at me and I see the he gauging me. And he sort of turns a bit to make my view off. I shift up and over. He rests his chin on the ball mouth closed and pitches.

He receives the ball and blows on it????? Nothing wrong here, questionable, but no spit, can't call it.

He repeats this ritual a couple of times and then.....

He rests his chin on the ball opens his mouth and rolls the ball up to his lips. Really? He did that? Really?

Time! 

I take the ball form the pitcher starts towards my partner turn to the pitch eject him, no argument no bewilderment from him he just accepts it. I finish my stride to my partner swap out the ball; tell my partner what just happen. I move the runner to third. The Maroon Coach NOW wants to know what is going on.

To The Maroon Coach "the pitcher put his open mouth on the ball."

The Maroon Coach says "What?"

To The Maroon Coach "the pitcher put his open mouth on the ball."

A dad hollers "He did not lick the ball."

I look at the Maroon Coach as he is about to protest some more.

To The Maroon Coach "I said nothing about licking the ball"

They put another pitcher on the mound and the game continues.

Maroon gets their third out and now goes to bat. The Maroon coach stands at first to coach the base. I am behind him in "A".

Three quick outs, Ball game!

To The Maroon Coach, "Coach I need you to sign the card." 

"I'll sign it later."

"Coach I need you to sign the card."

No I won't sign it. 

Coach I will put 'Refused To Sign card."

He keeps walking.

I get the other signature and we beat it out.

Yes I saw him put his open mouth on the ball.

Yes I do not believe this was a "tick" of some kind.

Yes I know he knew exactly what he was doing.

And no I do not feel bad about throwing a 12 year old out of a game.

I know he was cheating, I know he was taught the cheat by an adult. I do not think the cheat gave him an advantage but he thought it did. And maybe soon it would be giving him an advantage. 

I was told I should have given a warning. I told them if it was a tick it would have been a warning but it was a cheat and he knew it was a cheat. I threw out a cheater.

I taught him nothing because he will not get caught again because no one would even think of watching  him like I did.

He will become the President or a CEO and that day will mean nothing to him.

Ejection Report 04-29-2013

Ejection Report

Angels vs. Ranger (?)

Red vs. blue

There is some back story to the attitude and behavior of the red coach.

13 mins before the game time I was at the backstop looking across the field for My Partner. And I was approached by the blue coach asking if we were going to get the game in based on weather (?).

I was explaining that I am sure we would get started and that I was just waiting for My Partner.

The red coach approached us and began to voice complaints that the blue coach had a catcher without head gear and a short stop on the field without a hat.

I looked over and saw no catcher and explained the same to the red coach and he said the boy was out there on the field without a hat. I said the game had not started but I am sure that if the player had a hat that he would wear the hat during the game. He began to talk about some other game in which the blue coach 'got him about the sunglasses and he was going to be sure that he was going to get the coach for the hat. I told the red coach that the game had not started yet. He said that was fine that us two could politic all we wanted and he walked away again stating that we were politicking. I asked the coach not to do that or to say such things.

5 mins before the game time My Partner arrived and we began the plate meeting. I covered the ground rules asked if everyone was properly and legally equipped. They both stated affirmative and then the blue coach said that he had a player whose hat was broken (the back tensioner part). I explained that I was in contact with The League and that we could not think of a  Baseball Association rule that would prevent a player from playing without a hat and that since the hat was broken and the league knew about the broken hat That I was sure there should be no problem and that if the blue coach had an extra player on the bench that the boy should borrow a hat.

Top of the second inning 1 out with a runner on first the blue team’s pitcher made a pickoff move and the runner on first was tagged out. The red coach became irate and began to jump up and down and yell at My Partner and pantomime the tag. My Partner talked with the coach for a moment and then went to his position.

At the beginning of the bottom of the second the red coach was talking a long time to get his players on the field. I asked the coach for a pitcher and a catcher. He stated that the boys had diarrhea and he was trying to fix it. I asked again for a pitcher and a catcher. He said that catcher was getting ready; I stated that a coach should then warm up the pitcher he ignored me and continued his group huddle. A pitcher and a coach did come out to warm up. The catcher arrived and I asked the catcher to "call balls in".

At the top of the third, runner on first (unknown outs) the pitcher attempted a pick off to first and the runner was tagged out. The red coach ripped off his hat and began to jump and stomp about yelling at My Partner. The red coach then looked at me and yelled that that was "2 missed calls". I asked the batter to step out of the box and I called time. I walked up first base line towards the red coach and asked him to talk to me.

I explained that his actions were not sportsman like and that he was to stop. He said he was allowed to take his hat off because his head itched, I started to explain that he knows what he did and that everyone knows what he did and to not do that anymore. He started to walk away, I told him that we were not done talking and that I was giving him his last warning on sportsmen like conduct and any more behavior like that would put him in the parking lot.

We started to part and he yelled at me to "get down there and call strikes!" this was irrecusable and I turned and told him he was done and he was out of the game. I turned and walked back to the plate.

I observed him stand at the bleachers and he was coaching the players on the field, but since he was neither commenting on the game nor talking about past plays I was not going to keep him from watching his boy play.

The red coach approached the dark side of my vehicle and attempted to talk to me. I backed away from him while I told him we had nothing to discuss. He would not leave nor did he come around towards the back of my vehicle I again told him we had nothing to discuss and that would he please step away from my vehicle after a long awkward pause in the dark he walked away and stated I was a male private part. A mother asked my name, I gave her my full name.

There was no incident after that point

A New Baseball Story

I have not posted any baseball stories in a long while because they all are basically the same story; One team gets their asses handed to them and they bitch and complain the whole game until I either throw the coach out or I call ball game.

This weekend I scheduled 7 games. Seven games in one day, for those that know, 7 games is a VERY long day, more than 14 hours of baseball. Yeah, there is a 20 minute break in the schedule but rarely does a game end on time or start on time so there is no break except to turn in the score card, grab some baseballs and water head back out to the field.

 So Saturday in the 4th game the team that refused to practice and felt that the sport is played by complaining was doing their part to win. The coach asked why every ball call was not a strike. Seriously they wanted a pitch 4 balls off the plate and into the batter’s box called a strike. They wanted to know why a tie did not go to the runner.

"Com'on blue seriously that was a tie, and the tie always goes to the runner."

"No coach there is no “tie” in baseball. The word "tie" is not even in the rule book." "The rule reads 'the batter-runner must beat the ball to the base in order to be called safe'"

"Oh my god the catcher did not even move his glove."

"Yes you are right he did not and he is holding it 12 inches off the plate."

"Jesus Christ!" exclaiming as he is throwing his hat into the dirt. "I swear to god blue, you are doing this on purpose."

"Time!" I say holding up my hands. "Coach, please come here."

The coach walks over smirking to his peanut gallery bleachers, and gets 1 step too close to me, on purpose. I do not step back, I lean in 1 inch and say "Really? Who are you that I would care that much to do something like that to you?"

"I don’t know" he says "but you have not given us one call."

I smile "Given you a call? No one gives anybody a “call” in this game. In fact this game was already decided on Wednesday night with software."

"Wait what?" He steps back and blinks. "Already decided?"

"Yes sir" I hold my poker face. "Yeah it’s just like wrestling; baseball has been a scripted sport from the beginning."

"Bullshit!"

"Now hold on coach, keep it down, all sports are scripted even the Olympics. Well except high school. obviously." 

"Fuck you!" He says looking at me like I just said something about his mom.

"Now" Placing my hand on his shoulder and slightly guiding him towards his dug out. "Here’s what I am going to do, I am not going to throw you out for cussing or for behaving like a poor sport. I am telling a secret and if you do not like it, then you should go and talk to the tournament director. Tell him what I told you and tell him that I said I felt bad about you paying your tournament fees, and that he should reimburse you, because I said you were a nice guy and should not be taken advantage of like this." we ended our short walk at the gate and my partner had already opened the gate and he passed through the gate and we shut it.

The look on his face was priceless, it was a mixture of dumb ass and 'what there is no Santa?'

As we turned to get back to the game, he called after us, "Hey blue? Are you serious?"

I turned back and looked at him with the dead pan seriousness of a reporter, "Coach, is this your first game today or your second?"

He looked even more bewildered "Our first."

I made a face resembling pain, "oops you weren't supposed to lose the first game." Sucking air through my teeth and glancing at my partner who was now smiling and facing outfield, "It was supposed to be the second game; I got the whole thing screwed up. I am very sorry; really you should go talk to the tournament director. Tell him what happened, tell him I got your two games mixed up, He will know what to do. Tell him I told you he should make it right for you."

We finished the game with a run rule, 20 run difference , (23-3) after 3 innings of baseball 1 hour and 5 mins.  That gave us a break of about 25 minutes.

My partner and I went out to our cars to change and get a drink of water.

At the cars, the tournament director and the "Umpire In Charge" walk up. "Hey ahh John," The tournament director started, "what happened on your field just now?"

Squinting into the 3:00 sun "Why what do you mean?"

 The tournament director continued, "I had the craziest conversation with the East Nicolas coach. He said you told him that all the games were rigged and that he was not supposed to lose the first game but only loose the second and you made a mistake."

"Yeah" I said, "he was acting like a jerk and making the game personal, so I told him some stuff to get him off the field."

"Why would you tell him that?"

“I dunno it seemed kinda funny and it was either be funny or be a lunatic I choose funny. Did you keep him in the office?”

“Yeah, Thanks. I do not need your craziness in the office!”

“And I do not need their craziness on the field.”

“You know you have his team at the 8:00 game? “

“So?” I said, "he was ejected you have to bar him from the next game.

"well," the UIC was now smiling, "you did not eject him so I have to let be in the next game."

“Crap!” I exclaimed.

“Exactly!” They both said with big ass, stupid smiles on their faces.

Needless to say the 8:00 game was with no events, no complaining, I do not know what the coach was thinking as he watched his team win the next game. Did he think they actually won? I have no idea. The game ended 3-2 in favor of East Nicolas and I went home.

White Favoritism by Major League Home Plate Umps Lowers Minority Pitcher Performance and Pay, Baseball Study Finds

I call absolute shenanigans!

“The finding builds on an earlier study that discovered Major League Baseball's home plate umpires called strikes more often for pitchers in their same ethnic group -- except when the plate was electronically monitored by cameras, Sulaeman said”

Southern Methodist University (2011, September 7). White favoritism by Major League home plate umps lowers minority pitcher

Bullshit bullshit bullshit.

That means the umpires performance and his correctness is decided by who when the plate is not monitored electronically?

And you are saying that the umpire is concisely deciding to be bias. Again I call shenanigans.

And then you are saying that the minority pitcher is scaling back his risk taking because he fears the white guy behind the plate.

OMG what a fucking load of crap!

You sir are a hack and a pencil whipping dirty data pusher. You suck as a scientist and a author of papers.

The plate umpire is not going to be judgmental based on race. His concern at the plate is the freaking ball.

You even stated he is not when the plate is monitored. So when the plate is monitored he is being judged without bias and he is found to be not bias, but, when his only judge is the person or observer is in a booth or on a bench or in the stands with an agenda, and a very poor angle and perspective he, the umpire, is found to be bias.

That alone shows your data is dirty and you have gathered data and written a paper with an agenda and bias to start.

I say your paper shows favoritism and racial biasing and you have cherry picked your data and whipped your statements into a flaming pile of pooh.

Now I will admit that if you looked into the past historical relationships of umpires, pitchers, batters, and managers, you may find some biasing based on run-ins and conflict.

But not race.

I can tell you the plate umpire is only concerned about that 100mph ball and a invisible box that has to stay consistent regardless of hour, jeering, and earlier mistakes.

Go read this piece of filth first and then you will understand this rant more.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/09/110907124351.htm

Take no shit

This weekend I umpired a state tournament. No this was not a World Series but the winner received a berth to a world series and no again, it would not be a world series that would be on ESPN.
I started the weekend by doing 9s. Aaaahh nine year olds so focused so attentive so unable to stop the ball before it hits the umpire. Dads in the back with radar guns and talking about curves and sliders and changeups.
If I have, one more dad tell me to hang with the curve I swear I will eat him with red beans and rice and wash the entire meal down with the blood of a badger.
Therefore, I have done this tourney a few times in the past few years and I know this is life and death, the winner of every game gets to decide the gas prices, someone's grandmother is held captive by ninjas and her life and the life of 500 virgins hang on the balance of this game. However, I also know that the shit has to be stopped before it gets out of hand.
I decide to approach it differently then in the past. In the past, I wait until I can no longer take the insults the jabs the drive bys and I warn a coach and then I never ever get to eject him because I keep re-drawing the line. Therefore, this year I am drawing the line at the top and hold it fast.
First chirp gets a "we are not going there today. We are not going there do I make myself clear?" I start the plate meeting with a personable pleasant attitude and humor but when they chirp I jerk the lease tight and hard. This seemed to be very effective.
My son said that he was embarrassed at one point because I came out too fast on one dad but when I asked my son if he thought the game was more enjoyable after the dad was told to keep quite. He admitted that I was right.
I did 18 games in three days I will not talk about all 18 as many went with no issue.

Game one 9s
Red vs. white
I on bases and newbie [not my son] on plate.
No one on
Screamer up third base line
I pivot but I peek at the ball as it passes third (it is foul but I hear no indication)
[I now that if I do not hear foul I am going to have a shit storm on my hands]
I watch the runner cross first and go to second I hear the shit storm thunder "what's the call blue?.....you have to make a call blue!" now there is no way to convey the anger and rage that is in this voice but trust me when I turned I expected to see this coach holding my 16 year old partner by the throat.
Runner stops I turn to handle the shit storm and there is my partner doe eyed and in full panic mode. The coach is screaming and he is not telling the coach a thing. I call time and the coach starts to come out to me. I hold the umpire hand out to him and tell him to stay there he keeps coming "No coach you will go to the dug out right now!" he stops. I offer the umpire a chance to come talk to me.
"What’s the call?"
I do not know
It is either fair or foul
What do you think?
First, I was not supposed to look, I should not make that call from first base line. You had the angle it was your ball.
Yeah I know but I do not know what to call it.
Well in this case ... what is the count?
Two Two
OK if you call it foul everybody gets to go back and the batters count does not change.
I peeked at the drive and I can say that it was foul but do not plan on that rather help all the time be ready to make a call.
OK I will call it foul.
He calls it foul and not a soul complains not one chirp.
Later in the same, there is contact and although I did not see it as I watched my play, I know it was malicious. The world is screaming at the kid the pitcher is 8 feet from the plate and the runner is trotting back to the dug out. I call time the coach again wants to yell at me I hold him at bay and I talk to my partner.
The runner is out
No pitcher dropped the ball
No the runner is out for contact
You have to decide was the contact malicious.
No, it was not
Are you sure, because my back was turned on another potential play.
Yes, it was not malicious.
Turn around and call the runner out for contact he did not exercise one of his four options.
He turns, calls the runner, the coach comes out to me you cannot turn his call over.
No, I cannot
However, you just did
No, I did not
He changed his call
However, you told him to
no I did not we discussed the rule and clearly your player failed to slide, your player failed to stop, your player failed to go around, and he clearly failed to go back, so the only discussion we had was to eject him and you or just call him out.
Is he ejected?
Are you still in this game talking to me?
He turns and goes back to the dug out.
I explain the conditions to the other coach. He wants malicious contact I tell him I cannot give him that because I did not see the play.
Why not?
Because you might have wanted that out at second too.
We did not get one at second but you might have and I would have missed it if I were watching the play at home.
OK you are right.
Thanks coach.

Game 3 nine
Me on bases
Newbie [not my son] on plate (you have to do it at some point)
He gets a fucked up convoluted play at the plate and I would have made the same call as him but the coach wants to yell and intimidate the young man. He yells, "That is horrible that is terrible that is totally UN acceptable"
I call time and I make the coach walk all the way to me at first base. I tell him that his attitude is horrible that it is a terrible example and that it is unacceptable and if he is to lose his cool one more time, I do not care the reason and how much time is left on the clock I will send him to the parking lot and then my report will ensure that he is out for the rest of the tournament.
He says that I am right and that he is sorry
I tell him that he needs to apologize to the players not me.


Game 13
White vs. blue nine
98ºF 88%H
High shoulder pitch for the third ball in a row at the top of the first half (third pitch of the game) white moans and says something.
I turn and say We Will Not Go There Today. No, we will not. Am I clear?
Five heads nod yes
An out later runner steals third catcher throws and beats the runner but the fielder is too slow to swipe a proper tag my son calls the runner safe.
A coach screams BULLSHIT!
I did not hear it
My son did and he turned and in three steps crossed from third to first base line and says to the white team "there will be no profanity on the fields at any time". The five coaches all look like whip lash victims. Here is a 16-year-old telling 30-year-old gansta/MS13 looking men to stop swearing and he does so with all the authority of a grown man. I tell you I was never so proud at that moment.
Not a word fro the rest of the inning.
At the half-blue coach comes down to warm the pitcher. “I am going to call you the no nonsense umpires"
It is too hot to deal with anything other than just baseball.
He agrees.
My son arrives at the plate
I say to him "a warning for profanity?" man that coach owes you a steak dinner." he has no idea that he should be in his car right now.
My son says he did not know which coach said it.
I said if you had tossed the manger, he would have ponies the man up right quick
Yeah you are right
Wow, he is lucky I did not hear the profanity.
The white coach walks up, apologizes, and says that he has the situation under control.
My son says I hope so because it will not be tolerated around these young men.
You are right blue I am sorry
((You know what? My son fucking rocks!))(At 16 he gets it, he has the maturity to do the things it takes to be a man. I did not I was still trying to live and stay alive)

Game 16
Green vs. Blue 13s
me at the dish
3 minutes left of playtime losing team at the plate
Coach complains about a narrow escape at home.
I hear something from his side about picking sides
In addition, he has just said, "you have to call that pitch for both sides blue"
I stop the game.
"Coach, I know that there is 3 minutes left to play and I do not care if there is 30 seconds left to play if I hear one more remark that questions my integrity of my sportsmanship I will toss you to the parking lot and then call ball game.
Do not ever question my honesty I am not here to pick a winner I am here to make the decisions the two coaches cannot.
Yes blue I am sorry.


Game 18
Championship 12s
Yellow vs. white
This game was a tightly played well-pitched game that resembled two boxers in the ring trading punches. Honest to god the first two innings had no more than 13 pitches thrown.
No runner advanced past third base, we played for 3 hours something like 8 innings, and the game ended 7-0.
How you might asked.
White’s #12 was on the mound and the coach told me he was going to sub him in this half as he only had one out left in his allowable count for the tournament, but he was going to let him pitch while his number 2 boys was warming up.
Are you?
Yes.
Yellow coach says hey coach you now he has only one out right.
Yeah I am going to leave him in for it. Thanks for reminding me.
No problem.
I start the game. The pitcher clearly walks the first batter to burn sometime.
I look to white coach to see if he wants time.
I let the yellow batter in the box and he sees three balls and then the pitcher lets one drop into the zone just enough and the batter hits it to third. Third scoops and throws to second. OUT! In addition, the second turns and throws to first for a banger. OUT!
The play could have gone the other excessively. The white coach drops to his knees. The yellow coach is calmly walking up to me. The players and the parents have no clue what just happened except a double play was made and on a bang bang. The umpire on the field has no idea either because he is going back to his position.
Yellow coach goes to me and says the pitcher has pitched too many outs. Yes, I think you may be right, get the tourney director.
The white coach is now explaining to his side what just happened. My partner hears and he just smiles.
The tourney director confirms that the double was too many outs and the white has to forfeit the game.
I told my partner that this is the first time in history that a defensive coach is pissed that an umpire called a double play.







Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

Also reading

With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

Ejection report, bad attitudes and stinky old men. By John Sleestaxx

Ejection report, bad attitudes and stinky old men.
By John Sleestaxx


So this week-end was a real humdinger.

A pushed tournament schedule.
Rain and power pushed Friday’s games to Saturday and that pushed Saturday down.

Saturday
Red vs. blue (me at the plate)
Red coach refuses to come to the plate while we wait for him to write out his line up. He could have done that while he waited the 30 mins (damn should have thought of that at the time).
Then during the plate meeting he refuses to listen and would not even face the other coach or my self or my partner. I covered 2 of the 6 things in plate before I said "we will flip and you (blue) were here first so you get to call it.
My partner said really is that all?
Yes that is the important things and we will cover the rest when they come up.
Blue loses the flip
My partner said this is going to be a rough game
Red wants to know why
I said rough crowd rough game
My partner said we are on the clock
Red get your boys on the field and get them to work
They need to warm up
No they have got to warm up get them on the field
No we need to warm up you are running 30 mins late that is your fault
No it is not my fault and you will get them on the field
No we need to warm up
You are burning his clock too now get to work]
Red says the other coach "we will get on the field in 3 or five minutes"
No will get on the field now you have had 10 mins already
No we have not
I pull out my watch and look at it yes you have now get on the field
Some dad gets on the field for something and yells "let’s not worry about little arms lets just stay on schedule"
I say to the red coach “you are responsible for your spectators this is your one and only warning"
He gets his boys on the field.
Three pitches in and off the plate by two balls red coach says "WHAT?"
I take off my mask "and say very nicely "We are not going to go there today am I clear?"
No nod, no acknowledgement, but I know he knows
I have a thing that was taught to me in all my clinics about game management "do not let the batters stand and time the pitches while the pitcher is warming up. They are to be in the dirt circle. If you do they could get beaned by the pitcher in the box and if I let them time then I better not say a word about the intentional pitch." So I do not let them do so.
At one point the red coach asks me "why not let them cross?"
I reply "because I said so."
He wants to know "is it a rule?"
Yes it is
At what level?
USSSA to high school to college to major leagues
Really?
Yes it states that the umpire behind the plate is in charge and because I say they can't, they can't.
Oh
And now every half it are trying to get on the other side.
About the fifth inning in reds batter bunts and is in fair territory I call batter out and send everyone back
He wants to know why
I said he was in fair territory when he struck the ball it is a dead ball play no one advances
He says he knows that
Then why did you ask
I wanted to know why the batter was out
And I told you that the batter was in fair territory when he struck the ball and it is a dead play no one advances what is the problem?
No problem.
Then after the half he wants to know where his player was
I told him he was in fair territory (with out moving from my position on the side)
I know but exactly where was his foot
Ok sure I will do you a favor and I step just out side of where the box would be and in font of the plate
Ok
then he goes to the back stop where all the fucking whinny dads are and they begin to have a conversation about "he can't see balls and strikes how can he see where the foot is?" today I am fresh and full of Job and patience I let it go in retrospect or the next day I should have popped the dad on the spot.
The coach bitches and whines like a school girl about how he is never coming here for another tournament (but the babies all say the same thing but guess who you see later next month?)
Game finishes and that is Saturday

Sunday is a bitch it was 100ºF 87% humidity and every field is running late and I have commitments that evening
Blue vs. white (different blue) (me on bases [I hate the bases more work than the plate and I am not in charge])
Blue is whining about some of the pitches but too bad nothing serious and that is my partner’s problem, not mine.
A couple of pick off move that were not even close and you can hear the thunder on the horizon. I have a hungry near sighted coach. Ah Hah! Something is going to happen.
A play at second from the catcher to short not even freaking close!
Blue jumps up and screams "Jesus make a call!"
I call time and motion for the coach to come out to me (I make it a long walk too).
Coach I will not tolerate another out burst like that this is your one and only warning. Am I clear?
He nods
I am sorry I have a deaf ear I did not hear your answer
Yes
Ok then let’s finish the game.
Yes I know I am a fucker at times but you can not sit there in the fucking shade on a fucking bucket over 80' and watch me make a safe call and tell me that I am not making calls. I am making fucking calls all over the place I made calls at first and I made calls at second and I made calls at third. Safe is a call. When I am in B and C position I make calls in the out field too "catch" "no-catch"
Make a call indeed! Harumpff bastard coach whose breath smells of ass!

Red vs. green (different red) (me at the plate)
Plate is nice and crisp but I smell shit in the air.
Greens second batter is rung up on an outside pitch clearly a strike be he just fucking froze. He bangs the plate and yells "that was not a strike!"
I call time and I approach the coach "that player is now on warning for sportsmanship conduct another out burst and I will eject him"
Yes sir that was not tolerable and we will fix it ASAP
Thank you
Top of two the pitcher throws 3 balls off the plate (as far off the plate as three balls) the catcher is signaling they are strikes. On the fourth that was a high pitch at the damn freaking shoulder the parents become a choir.
On the second walk they break into a rendition "oh my god" "that is terrible" "he is horrible pick" "a damn strike zone" it is an eruption of wailing to their pagan baseball gods.
I call time I approach red's coach
Sir you are responsible for your spectators this is your warning and you will not get another do you understand.
No I do not
Well let me explain it to you then
You are responsible for your players your coaches and your spectators. Your spectators are not behaving in a sportsman like manner that is expected from the stands as well in the dug out.
But they are fans I have no control
Then you better because I will eject you for them
You can not do that
You are now just arguing with me, go to the parking lot!
What you can not do that

Which ones
I turn and with out really looking that one and that one
Why them
Because I was asked to pick and they were closest to the parking lot
I can not do that
Ok let me make it easier for you then. You and a player. you want to pick or no let me, you number one....
I will go
I turn go back to the plate I hold the game until I saw him walk past the backstop.
the tournament director came up shortly and asked what is happening
I explain the the stands were arguing balls and strikes I gave the coach a warning he began to argue with me I sent him to the parking lot and he argues soem more so I began to pick players to be ejected.
did you eject a player
No not yet but if it keeps up I will
At this point some old stinky man walked up and began to yell at me. I went back to my game.
The reds catcher began rolling his eyes on every ball call and on every play that was safe he would yell "of course they are not going to call that". (You know here I thought I was being nice)I finally bent down and told the catcher that he better not say any more like that because he can be replaced. (I could have talked to the coach and just gave him his warning right then but I was meaning to give the catcher two this one and then the one to the coach if it continued) But this was clearly a mistake on my part. I should have just replaced the catcher from the top of remarks and been done with it.
Red loses and I am baked. I am fucking down. I lost my 3:30 game because of all the games running late (they gave the game to someone else)
I am at my car getting undressed and the red team is passing through the parking lot and stinky comes shuffling through
"That was the worst game ever"
Thank you. Have a nice day sir
He begins to walk towards telling about how terrible I was.
Sir does not come any closer
Do not step any closer
I reached for my phone
I am going to call the police if you come any closer
He stopped when I put the phone to my ear
You said you were going to eject the catcher to get into his head he said.
No that is not what was said.
Trailing cries of anguish as I explain to dispatch that I no longer was in need of a police officer.
Yes ma'am I am ok there is no danger. I am an umpire and I thought I was going to have trouble with a fan but he has decided to depart. Sorry to have bothered you. Yes I am sure.
They called back. LOL no ma'am everything is all right.

You know if they would just enforce day care for the parents and mandate coaching classes for the managers my life would be easier and I would probably get paid less. Oh well
Happy day it is Monday and I am still alive.







Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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