Diapers and revenge

 When my children were potty training they would yell from the bathroom “I am done. Come wipe my butt.”

 My wife and I would play rock paper scissors to elect the butt wiper. When I would lose she would smile. And when I won I would smile. It was love pure and simple.

 Now as I get older I now realize that there will be a time when I will be in need of bathroom assistance.

 I do not look forward to the day that I have to yell, “I am done come wipe my butt.” But will they smile?

Eat the dog

The chant was so unison it was almost one voice.

 It was his first band camp.

 He wanted to make new alliances, this was to be his year, he was going to be the man, he was going to get a girlfriend AND kiss her.

 And then his parents sent him to this camp.

 Now he’s in the circle, with the whole camp chanting and watching him.

 What's this going to accomplish?

 It's a team building exercise. Now you will share in their strength and share a bond that can not be broken.

 Now it’s simple, just Eat The Dog

A Letter To New York After Sandy

Dear Mayor Bloomberg,

 I would like to be the first in Texas to write you and extend our deepest sympathies over the tragic hurricane attack your shitty has fallen victim too. Rivalry aside, this is a terrible time for you all.

 We down in the gulf region know all too well the terrible devastation a hurricane attack can cause. Cheer up though you are a resourceful bunch, resilient in your strength and tenacious in the face of adversity and strong in your convictions. We here in Texas applaud you all and are certain that if you all stick together you can get the "Big Apple" on its feet in now time.

 I do want to say though, please do not come down here. We in Texas are still reeling from the welfare influx from Katrina the support we are still giving New Orleans is crippling and time consuming. We do not need or want your criminals mixing with the criminals from New Orleans. We do not need to be handing out any more welfare to any from your part of the United States, seriously the burden on our already hobbled budget is too taxed as it is and there are many other states that have the resources and the cash to accept your troubled citizenship. And quite frankly you all talk kinda funny.

 You all should stay up there focus on rebuilding "the city that never sleeps". Yeah that's the ticket, if you all work 24 7 like you all claim you could probably rebuild in the half the time it take New Orleans to recover (recovering).

 So um yeah that's all I really wanted to say. "Stay up there. DO NOT come down here!" and see if that fancy pants guy in the big house can send you all some help.

 Some advice though, don’t let those FEMA guys try to help they are more trouble than they are worth.

Sincerely

Rev. John Sleestaxx

 A Texas citizen.

Elbow Snakes and Lawn Gnomes

It was in the middle of the night and I woke drenched in sweat. I had another one of those dreams were the zombies are after me and they all look like old dead friends.

My best girl did not stir so I must not have been screaming this time.

I lifted my feet over the edge of the bed to get up and fuck me if the room was not filled with water. Not spring water either but black brackish swamp water. The smell of rotting dead vegetation was tremendous.

I turned to wake my lover, but now I see she why she was not stirring because she was dead, her cold eyes staring at the ceiling like so many other nights making love.

I lifted my hand to my mouth and there I saw it, a freaking snake or something and it was at least three feet long and growing from my elbow. I leaped from the bed making a huge splash. I ran like a clown in the water to the bathroom.

I flicked the light switch. Sparks flew from the switch plate, but in that quick instant in the flash of orange light I saw the snake writher and turn to face me. I saw it’s eyes and TEETH the freaking goddamn snake had teeth and huge sharp gnarly fangs.

In a panic I turned to hide my face from that hideous sight on my elbow and slipped on the half floating bathroom rug. As I went under water I saw that freaking gnome from my neighbor’s yard.

What the hell is it doing here? I thought.

He turned and smiled at me. Yeah the lawn gnome smiled, AT me.

Holy Jesus this is too weird. I thought.

And then I really woke up covered in blood and my girlfriend yelling my name.

I looked around at the blood and then I found I had picked this wart off my finger.

[Flame War Quitter]

I received a new friend request from some fucktard . I accept and I leave a comment to thank him for the add and that he should stop by the Blog and I would see him on Thursday and he sends flame about how he is a Satanist and blab bla bal yackity smackity. and he does not have to do anything. I ask if he understands the reference to Thursday and that is why I said about reading the Blog. he says no enlighten him.
I write about the sermons and the baptisms that I call for on Thursdays and he write more hate about how I am stupid because he is a Satanist and that there is no god, Satan heaven or hell and I was a twit and ewwww I was a Tales Of Terror fan
ok I get the 'tude and I play along and I explain that I understand how Texas did not know what to do with TOT when they toured but I was not going to hold it against him. and I told him he was not a Satanist but an atheist
he flames back that TOT hung around Houston for too long because their home town did not miss them.
and that my definitions were lame.
then he sends a pilot light that he was this wondrous rock god from Texas and bla bla bla yackity smakity.
I write back that there were no good bands that ever came from Texas and that Texas was a cultural waste land and that he was a waste of human skin. that my son had a better vocabulary and that Texas fought for the land and now they are giving it back and dragging down the rest of the country while they bleed illegal’s ( remember he started this game)
Well he realized that he was out matched.
he shot back three lines about how special he was and how he was some piece of shit that really did not matter to me and did not mean anything to me and then he deleted me so I could not participate any more, what a pussy!
Your chin smells of balls and your breath of semen. You do not know anything other than how I would have destroyed you in your little bad attitude game! you are nothing but a fucking rookie in the attitude department.
I have fucked with the best. I have guilted Johnathin Christ into giving me 10 dollars and 3 spots on the guest list by just reciting 2 lines from one of his songs.
I have made cops weep at traffic stops.
I make entire bleachers of 40+ grown people wail to their lousy gods.
I have the power to make you cry to the god you do not believe in. When I am done with baptism you will see god!
You will circumcise yourself and touch your foreskin to the feet of Moses himself.
You sir are nothing in my world other than a quitter.
You quit the game before the game even got started as you saw the might that was before you.
Fuck you indeed!
Cry me a river you two bit musical hack in a cultural waste land of illegal’s and Selina music knockoffs.
I hope that both of your daddies die of herpes.

Pink You Ignorant Slut!

This is total liberal celebrity crap. Let me ask you bitch what do you do for the fucking homeless?? What do you do to support the troops? What are you doing to help make the world a better place?? Yeah that is what I fucking thought! you are out to get what you can for pink and you will use what ever you can to get it! You use your celeb status to take a few fucking shots at a job that is always ridiculed by everybody. I would like to your pansy pampered ass do the job. Making the tough decisions that need to be made, I would like to see you make the decision to storm another country and disrupt their economy and then find that the old wood administration had dropped the fucking ball and you made a mistake. He admitted that there was a mistake we all know that he made the best decision based on the best data he had at the time.

What would you have done when the fuckers dropped the towers?? ' now that is not right you guys you all should stop that rough play before more people get hurt.' yeah fucking right! How about when you were given the information that some crazy person had dangerous weapons and was know to attack other countries?? 'Now Saddam you really need to find the inner child and learn to love everybody.'

Why don't you stick to making bubble gum records, and trying to look hardcore. And leave the politics to the rest of the world that really cares. You do not care, your real concern is, am I getting paid? Who is stealing from me? And when do I get to eat? when did you wake up and say 'you know what I have the cash to help out 1000+ people by donating to habitat for humanity and I will swing a hammer for a week to build a few homes.' No you meet with some people and you eat lunch and you talk shit about some people.

Now I know you worked hard to get where you are and to do the things you do and want to do. But the president asked to have the job of running the country, asked to make the toughest decisions in the country and in the worlds best interest, and we as a group said yeah go ahead. Now when the decisions are made there are the pussies that want to complain, and cash in on his job right or wrong better or worse. why don't you take your fucking pop album divide it up by the number of songs and take the "GROSS" percentage of that one song and donate that to a charity that will help the homeless, the war displaced, the hungry children of the single mothers who made bad decisions and had babies that they should have not had yet. then you and your record company can then split the remainder for the costs and royalties.....

Yeah I thought not, you fucking, greedy, bitch fucker, spit in your face, whore, duce bag, fake, wanna be human!

kasdbfpiqwbfiyqwisjbdefash aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

P!NK - Mr. President

I Have An Angry Penis

I have an angry penis. I am an angry penis. I am under attack because I have a penis. -[EDIT]-


Because some other ethnic and gender groups have chosen not to pursue a specific career path.-[EDIT]-

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Fuck You and your horse, your dog and cat your family and the rest of the fuckin' world. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK


Am I pissed off? Hell yes! FUCK FUCK. This smells of so much bullshit.

Can I be mad at god? Why not he made me white and he made me male. He could have birthed me to another race he could have birthed me to as a girl. No he birthed me white and male.

I may start to claim another race. Let them tell me I am not another race. How dare they? How dare they tell me that my mother was not the race I claim she was stranger things have happened look at Dinah Shore. -[EDIT]-
I do not think so. There's your fuckin' diversity right there bitch.

FUCK! I am so mad I could spit.