Celebrity death predictions for 2014

This year’s list is;

Lindsay Lohan: Bet hedging again! I suspect that she is on the dick again and her female lover will exact vengeance. I predict gunshot in a Chelsea hotel and NYPD will find her nude, in a pile of Hong Kong dollars and her "ex-lover" high on bath salts.

Brittany Spears: Although it appears that she has surrounded herself with some good people and her last album is reminisce of her early work I have to keep her on the list. It is always calmest before the storm.

Lorde: She is the new Amy Whine house. You all remember i won on Amy Whinehouse (2011)? Well this tart is clearly on the same road.

Bill Clinton: Last year i bet on George Bush. I lost! So for this year’s dead president i am going to go with someone who's life style is more conducive to the theme. This chubby chaser eats like a pig, He isi due for a heart attack from blockage and quite frankly also has a pissed off wife. I predict he either has the heart attack or his wife in a bid for the sympathy vote has him offed, do you all remember Vince Foster?

Warren Ellis: This man has escaped tragic death for the last five years and his personal physician has been secretly treating genital fungus from an orange  gourd.  He will finally succumb. His agent will make the statement but will never mention this man’s fetish with vegetables.

Piers Morgan: This limey pumpkin fucker is doomed to die from an accidental discharge or a spoon surprise fork attack.

Ke$ha: No normal person spells their name with a dollar sign and can expect to live long. I expect someone who spells their name like that AND has an eating disorder to escape the reaper's scythe.

Sunny Leone: “You can never EVER leave the Indian porn industry. The Indian Mafia will make an example of her. The authorities will find her poisoned from a Porter House steak from China.

Hulk Hogan: The aliens that are sucking the life from him can only suck so much, before they pull the dregs from the souls of his feet.

Al Gore: The plane crash into the Arkansas Mountains will not kill him, but the natives of the hidden town will force him into a “fight to the death” cage match and he will not last more than 5 minutes.

Michael Capellas:  This poser will probably find himself in “Club Fed”. He will be found shanked by a knife made from a steak bone, left to bleed out in the chapel while praying to the false god “Andbanc”.

Mark Hurd: Dear lord why do I have to endure a world with this fucker?

You gonna let’em call you that?

“That’ll be seven sixty seven buddy.” Said the clerk.

The guy behind me said. "Buddy? Last I heard a buddy was a bump on a dog's ass. Don’t let him call you that?"

He was right. No Mother Fucken human should be allowed to call anybody "buddy" that’s just too disrespectful to let slide. So I took my Slurpee and beef jerky out to my car and got my gun. I went back in and shot the bastard in the knee.

 I told him, while he was crying like a little girl, that he better think about calling people names.

You gonna let’em call you that?

“That’ll be seven sixty seven buddy.” Said the clerk.

The guy behind me said. "Buddy? Last I heard a buddy was a bump on a dog's ass. Don’t let him call you that?"

He was right. No Mother Fucken human should be allowed to call anybody "buddy" that’s just too disrespectful to let slide. So I took my Slurpee and beef jerky out to my car and got my gun. I went back in and shot the bastard in the knee.

 I told him, while he was crying like a little girl, that he better think about calling people names.

Representing Umbrella Corp at Biotech Industry Growth Discussion and Intellectual Contribution Kvell.

I was recently asked to share my research at Umbrella Corp. I may also get to do a speaking gig at the Biotech Industry Growth Discussion and Intellectual Contribution Kvell.

My work in nerve regeneration and weaponizing (being the best way to describe the planned process of repair) of certain DNA proteins has been an important goal for the biotechnology dept. of Umbrella corp.

Three mechanisms of repair to the double-strand breaks (DSBs) and flaying damage to axons is being worked on here at Umberlla Corp. Two have been partially published in certain journals so legally I have no trouble sharing some of this information with you.

Anon-homologous end joining (ANHEJ),

Using extracted Uracil-DNA glycosylase from nematodes we are designing DNA-binding proteins that have a specified DNA-binding site for regeneration, augmentation and enhancing of spinal nerve endings as well as the cognitive brain functions of reposing test subjects.

By placing single Zinc finger protein to the severed end of certain flat worms we have been able to, through said flat worm implantation, been able to create a "bridge" across failed nerve endings. This along with specific gene protein protocols our group has been able to bring positive response back from and into unresponsive (dead) muscular tissue. Using this same process we have been able to generate certain responsive activity in the cognitive brain areas of cadaverous test subjects.

Recently transcription activator-like effector nucleases (TALENs) have been created, which are based on natural proteins secreted by Xanthomonas bacteria via their type III secretion system when they infect various plant species. These along with specific growth gene proteins and gestation hormones from Neotomys ebriosus we have been able to create some control over the test subjects.

To see if the nematodes can "automatically" find and repair broken axons as they transverse through the host body the DOE is to plant many of these modified nematodes into a test subject. While "automatic" repair of mortified test subjects is evident, there is still massive a loss of higher reasoning and fine motor control.

When the test subjects gain full mobility they are single minded and focused on DNA extraction. It seems that for now the instinctive memories and survival of the "bridge" symbiotes is to obtain more DNA from subsisting sources for further repairs.

Micro-homology-Mediated End Joining (MMEJ),

Using Trans-lesion synthesis (TLS) as a DNA damage tolerance process we are allowing the DNA replication machinery to replace past DNA lesions with thymine dimers to the axons AP sites. This involves switching out regular DNA polymerases for specialized trans-lesion polymerases (i.e. DNA polymerase IV or V, from the Y Polymerase family)

The ultimate goal being is the use of bacterial cells and plasmids to replicate the same repair process of the nematode but in a smaller vehicle. Progress here has been slow but there is some positive direction, By controlling the formation of pyrimidine dimers with irradiation from high wavelength UV light, the results in an abnormal covalent bond between adjacent pyrimidine bases have shown to be receptive to photo-reactivation process directly reversing the damage to the broken cells by the action of the enzyme photolyase.

Another type of base excision repair (BER) to the severed and or reposed nerve cells, which repairs damage to a single DNA base pair caused by death is alkylation-hydrolysis which has shown great promise in re-animation. The damaged base and glycosylase is removed by the gestation androgynous hormone of a paddocstol and using phonosemantic matching from inert Ebola DNA. The "missing tooth" is then recognized by an enzyme called AP endonuclease, which cuts the phosphodiester bond. The missing part is then resynthesized by a DNA polymerase where TALENs take control of the growth, and the DNA ligase performs the final nick-sealing step.

Yes, the Nucleotide excision repair (NER), is clumsy and not totally controllable, but with the Zinc finger protein as a marker and extracted Uracil-DNA glycosylase in a synthetic reproduction environment the bacteria in specialized synthetic polymerase plasmid envelopes should recognize the bulky, helix-distorting lesions such as pyrimidine dimers and 6,4 photoproducts. With the specialized form of NER known as transcription-coupled repair, the new self-replicating organism will deploy NER enzymes to genes that are being actively transcribed.

Generation and control of self-replicating and repairing, methylation of guanine bases, is directly accelerated by the protein Methyl Guanine Methyl Transferase (MGMT), the bacterial equivalent of which is called OGT. Right now this is an expensive process because each MGMT molecule can be used only once. But we are also on the verge of being able to force the MGMT to replicate itself using some of the DNA from the inert Ebola virus DNA mentioned before.

The nerve cell and brain cell reaction is stoichiometric rather than catalytic. And a generalized response to the methylation agents in the bacteria are the adaptive response to and from the gestation androgynous hormone of a paddocstol and confers a level of acceptance to alkylating agents upon sustained exposure by upregulation of alkylation repair enzymes. The DNA damage is reversed by neighboring cells as the repaired/replaced DNA is certainly traded by methylation of the base pairs using the cytosine and adenine found in the delivering plasmid envelope.

Homologous Recombination.

This, I am told cannot be talked about without proper NDA filings and disclosure of asset investments to the proper SEC channels

 

As you can see we are very busy at Umbrella Corp and "We have your future in control."

Regards

John Sleestaxx

In My Neighborhood #26

By John Sleestaxx

It was time for the yearly HOA meeting. The developer was to release another seat. The rest of the seats were two year terms as was this one so I was not in need of re election but I wanted a partner for the new seat. I wanted someone in the chair that would play ball and look out for the best interest of the neighborhood.
We were going over the old business and just finished reading the minutes from the last meeting. When Bono walked in, he was followed by the Edge and an entourage of ass-wiping, yes people and ego strokers that would leave any real politician in a state of koro so severe that he would run out of the room crying.
Bono tried to address the assembly but was politely reminded that this was the old business and any new business from the floor had it’s time and this was not it.
“I am sorry for interrupting” Bono apologized, “I just got here from an AID concert somewhere on the planet that was to benefit some oppressed global citizen somewhere not even near the concert and probably was not even interested in the music my band mates and I produce.”
“That is fine” Lee said “but..”
“I heard there was a seat on the committee of this community and I decided that I would like to be on the board.” Bono just spoke over Lee.
“The seat is for residents of the neighborhood” I interjected.
“Yes I bought two houses one for me and the other for my hat.” He said.
“Fine but we are still not to that part of the meeting.” Lee said
“I want to make positive changes in the community like I have globally.” Bono said. “I demand that this position be appointed to me. For I am Bono of U2.”
Everyone sort of shifted in their chairs when they realized that there was an asshole in the room.
Lee looked down at his notes and then to me. I shrugged.
Edge just leaned on the wall in the back watching the spectacle unfold.
Bono begins to talk about how there is too many houses and not enough green space and that what we need to do is tear down one house and put a park space on every street.
Henry gets all giddy like a school girl. Henry starts to bounce in his chair, eyes wide in admiration and star struck non-gay love for Bono.
Henry starts to ooh and aww over the drivel Bono is spewing onto the floor. So much so that he can’t help himself and he does not care that Bono is trying to take over.
“That would mean more animal habitats and more wild life, we need less displacement of the natural residents before we moved in.” Bono spoke to no-one.
Henry finds a pause in the diatribe and shoots his hand up and speaks in a nervous cadence “What about lawn art?”
Bono shakes his head and Henry sags. “No lawn art, but bird baths should be a mandatory artifact in all the remaining yards.” Henry beams with joy.
Just then Brit and Pink break into a fight.
Everyone starts to chant “Fight, fight, fight.”
They roll around on the ground knocking over chairs. They grapple and pull hair “bitch” “fucker”. They slap and gouge and begin to tear each others clothes, it was quite the cat fight spectacle.
Finally Bono breaks them up. He separates them and they are sitting on the floor legs spread and hair all a mess. He squats down between them and talks to them.
“You know there is too much rage in the world. Too much hate. And too much anger. The other night I had a dream. And I was on this space ship and I was taken into space and I was looking back on the world from afar. And I could see all the hate and anger radiating from the big blue marble.”
“And I could see how ugly the humans look when they are arguing and fighting. And this being an alien spaceship the aliens told me that we humans are the most primitive creatures in the universe because of our hate and anger. I wept and cried like a baby asking him to tell what to do and he said that I should play more of my music and make more albums because our U2 music is the most humanizing sounds anywhere."
Just then Pink and Britney started crying and they hugged each other and apologized to one another and then hugged again then the kissed. And the community gave a collective ahhh and clapped.
Then Jello nominated Bono for the new position and Sammie Hagar babbled something drunken and incoherent and fell face first into the ground. Rob Halford looks away and shakes his head.
We all kind of looked round because of the distraction. Since we were lost I tried to put us back on the rails with.
"Look we can't all just tear down houses and make parks. We can't just decide to let this freak on the board."
Bono starts to jump up and down and yell. “Who the hell are you? I am the great Bono and I deserve that position because I am Bono.”
Well I am the Great Reverend Sleestaxx. This neighborhood is mine and I am the sword and the plow of the lord.
“You should have no say.” He said.
“Yeah, I said this is MY neighborhood.” And at that Bono just disappeared. The crowd gasped and awed.
The Edge looked about.
“FUCK yeah! Finally the piece shit sheep shagger is gone man” Edge’s arms flailing, spit flying from his lips showing his passion and pent up rage. “If I had to hear about the world’s poor one more fucking time I thought I was going to fuckin’ puke. I just want play and drink and bed women.” Said the Edge.
“I “ The Edge continued, “am so glad the damaged fucker is gone.”
And Bono reappears in the back of the room.
“I “ The Edge starts to prowl around the rooms perimeter, “hated that bitch since I kicked his pussy ass in some pub in Dublin. Man he whines...” Bono taps the Edge on the shoulder.
“Hey Bono, and good to have you back it seems this reverend guy is a witch he made you disappear.”
And he made me talk ill of you while you were gone.
No that is fine I under understand now. I would like to request a position.
Henry chimes in "What about the bird baths?"
Bono looked to me. I shook my head. Bono said "No Henry that would not be prudent or in the neighborhood’s best interest.”






Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..