In My Neighborhood #8 By Rev. J. Sleestaxx

It was garbage day and I was putting the cans by the curb and I hear "what Up Dawg".
Why does anyone believe they have the right to call me a dog and not get their ass kicked. Oh well. I turned to find Vanilla Ice standing there in all his heavy metal tattooed glory. Although he was now a proud metal performer and he had shed the “white boy who could dance” he reeked of poser.
He had had his fight with drugs, divorce, and scandal that had not really put a real edge on him. He was still looking every bit the poser, the fake, the wanna be.
I do not remember him moving in anywhere.
“I just moved in last night, into that house over there.” He points to Marilyn’s house. The one across from Johnny, and I best not speak any more about that matter.
“That house there?” I asked.
“Yeap, signed the papers yesterday and everything. He smiled the smile of a car salesman. Yeap that’s the ticket. Signed the paper yesterday.”
“You know who used to live there before you.”
“No no-one its mine who’s been talking and what have they been saying? Cause I signed the papers yesterday.”
“Yeah you said that.”
“You want to see them?”
“No, no dude that will be quite all right.” Hoping to end this stupid banter.
“Cause you know I was totally crucified over a double beat that every could not get except my manager and producer.”
“I want to make sure that everyone knows that this is my house.”
“I built it and everything with my own two hands, hammered the nails myself. plumbed the copper tubes myself.”
“Copper pipes” I corrected
“What?” he was clearly lost in an alternate universe and did not have a map to get back.
“Copper ….yeah uh O Kay what ever”
“No dude really I did.”
“Sure you did what ever.” I said less convincing than I wanted to be.
“You know what you better show some respect.”
“Or what? “ I challenged.

I'm trying to get away before the jackers jack
Police on the scene you know what I mean
They passed me up confronted all the dope fiends
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it
Ice 1990

“No dude relax just relax.” And I am thinking please do not sing any more of that fucked up lame ass song or it may get embedded into my brain for a week.
“I do not care in fact it is probably better you moved in.”
“Why? What’s up?”
“Here's the deal what ever you do, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT landscape that front flowerbed. Leave the flower bed alone and you should have no trouble at all.”
“The flower bed?” he twisted his forehead all up and you could almost hear the one functioning gear grind on all the stripped ones.
“Yeah, you see Johnny is very particular about his view.” I said kind of leaning in and whispered, trying to make it seem official.
“HEH, Johnny Cash? Really? No problem. I do not want any trouble with him I heard he killed a man just to write a song.”

Gunshots rang out like a bell
I grabbed my nine all I heard were shells
Falling on the concrete real fast
Ice 1990

"Yeah, ok." I said getting bored with the conversation already.
"Welcome to the neighborhood." I said not really to him but just out there so I did not seem like an asshole.
And I turned away. Thinking to myself, "Can I live with Vanilla Ice in my neighborhood? Can I pull a Johnny and make the house vacant?"
Milli Vanilli tried that squatting thing with the model, but everyone knew they were squatting and the house builder knew the model was not sold. They were not the sharpest tools in the music industry either.
Here at least Vanilla is trying to squat a sold house.
I wonder how long he will be able to stay there before anybody realizes he is squatting and the house is like his music, not his own.

Currently reading Like A Monkey With A Handgun By Rev. J. Sleestaxx Release date: By 3 December, 2007

In my neighborhood #3

In my neighborhood #3
By John Sleestaxx


It is funny and it is not.
Marilyn Manson moved into the house on Wendy’s left it is the first house on the left hen you turn onto the cul-de-sac and across from him is Johnny Cash.
Marilyn was very neighborly that day. After humping all of his furniture he moved it in side.
Then he came out to greet us and offer us cookies and introduce himself. I picked a cookie from the plate and he then offered to Kidd, Wendy and Henry. Kidd and Wendy took one and then Henry said he was not eating any refined sugar because of the terrible tragic exploited things that we do to the Hawaiians in the past.
I smirked as Marilyn explained that the cookies were a special recipe that did not use any refined sugars and as I lifted the cookie to my mouth I got a whiff of shit.
Yes poop, fecal matter.
I furrowed my brow and looked sideways to Kidd who was eating his and Wendy who was smiling at me and shifting her eyes to Kidd.
“Oh I get it” and in palmed the cookie and slid it into my back pocket,
Wendy winked and we smiled at Kidd.
We welcomed Marilyn and I was already thinking that I had to get rid of this freak cause he was really going to ruin the house value now. Now do not get me wrong, I like MM’s music and persona but I do not need that crap across the street from me and ruining my house value.
The market is already volatile and shaky already I do not need to have trouble selling when I need to pull the equity out and retire or upgrade. I mean, I could maybe hide the lesbos Britney and Pink, but this freak, holy shit I was doomed.
Maybe I would not have to worry.
Johnny was out of town when Marilyn moved in so we all kind of wanted to see how Johnny reacted to having Marilyn across the street.
Johnny came home later Sunday afternoon. He was in bike shorts and his chest waders were hanging on the ladder rack of his beat up ford pick up so we all knew he was fishing and he was going to be in a foul mood.
"You know you are not going to catch anything" we all say "but you go anyways".
"Yeah but I get to get out and breathe and think and talk to nature."
"But you are in a foul mood for weeks later"
"Maybe I do not like what nature ahs to say" he would joke.
It was perfect timing when john came home because Marilyn was out in the yard planting some flowers in the front flower bed.
He was dressed in that plastic boob shirt thingy and a wide brimmed straw hat. No pants and rubber boots.
John turned to me and waved. Then he saw that the rest of us were out also.
He looked puzzled and perplexed. He looked at us and Lemmy who lives next to Kidd nodded towards Manson.
John followed his nod and saw Manson’s ass in the air as he dug another hole for another daisy plant.
John's shoulders slumped and his head dropped.
He reached into the back of the truck and pulled out a shovel and crossed the street.
Marilyn caught the sight of Mr. Cash and stood.
He must have saw the shovel and thought John was going to be a nice neighbor, cause he smiled and began to say "hey thanks but.." John raised the shovel and brought down on Manson’s head. There was a movie style twang and Manson dropped like a rag doll.
John is a great neighbor. He took care of the shit that floated in across the street.
John brought the shovel up and down four more times on Manson’s head and then began to dig a hole in the front flower bed.
We all turned our backs and went inside.
Later it rained and the flower bed looked normal and I am sure that later when the stink begins we will not talk of this EVER!