Hello to the graduating class of 2009.
By Rev. Sleestaxx
This was written for a particular High school class that requested I speak at the ceremony. But it appears that the board and the PTO and some other whinny pussy types decided that a member of the rotary club was better suited for speaking to the future of our world and so they canceled my gig. I got to keep the travel and half the fee but I did not get to speak to the class. Thus the speech is mine and so I shall with you all.
I am going to tell a story of a young man who, like you, was graduating high school.
He was a bright lad, a smart kid with a nice set of parents. He was always thinking about things, girls and cars, engines and girls, and well more about girls than anything else.
He wanted to be famous, and he wanted to have plenty of girlfriends. He wanted the life of a rock star; he wanted to buy his daddy a Cadillac and his mom a big fancy house. He wanted everyone to know his name and he wanted to make sure the world was a place to raise children, because along with the girls, he knew one day he wanted a wife and kids, and he wanted to impart his great knowledge on his child, so that his child would one day grow up and graduate.
He wanted his child to buy him a big caddie, and his wife a big house with a big kitchen. So he thought a lot about what he could do to change the world and make him self famous too.
He finished high school and thought about it and thought about it. He decided that he had no ideas yet and so he decided that college would fill his brain with more knowledge and then he could think of something.
He went to college and the thought. He thought all the way through four years of school and graduated college.
During and after a ceremony much like this one he sat and thought about what he could do.
He thought and he thought. He went home to his parent’s house and thought. One night his father came home and announced that he was being laid off from the car plant because the country was in dire straights and now one was buying new cars.
He mother wept and his father consoled her with sweet whispers and gentle hugs. His mother took to doing the laundry for others in the neighborhood so they could buy bread and dried meat for meals.
Now he knew there was something he could and so he put to thinking more on this dilemma.
His mother died one day from skin cancer from being out in the sun hanging laundry all these years. At the funeral his father wept openly and howled at god. He shook his fist at the sky and rued the day the lord put breath into his own lungs. He had never seen his father so angry before.
The priest at the service died of a stroke while presiding over the service. The priest babbled something about Jesus and banana cups and fell face first into the dais and shat himself. After the wake his father sat him down and asked him what he was going to do.
Do what now Father what do you mean?
Son your mother is dead I am dieing of mesothelioma from the auto plant. You have gone to college and you have a big brain full of learnin’ what are you going to do with your life?
I have been thinking about this a long time dad and I think I want to be famous.
Well that is an ambition son how do you plan on achieving that?
I am thinking about that now.
Ok son but you might as well cover your self in maple syrup and hump chickens.
What is that suppose to mean dad?
Well because famous don't pay shit and you have wasted your life thinking. At least you would have been famous for being covered in maple syrup and having perverted sex with fowls, you would have been sent to prison and been out of my house a long time ago.
[Dramatic pause]
The moral is, you have plans, you know what you want to do, and you have finished high school.
Go to college, get out of college, and do something, anything, make sure it doesn't hurt when you do it, but do something. Get out of your parents house, get into the world and make a change, get into the world and shape it to YOUR will, rest control from the pigs, pirates, dogs, and thieves. Take over the world, steer the world into another direction, but do not stare into the oblivion see your demise and do nothing. That was for the generation in charge and what the generations have done for the past millennia. They all looked in to the event horizon, shit themselves and decided to be criminals and perverts, don’t do that!
Get on the stick, spread the sun tan lotion and get freaking dirty.
Put tape on the computer cards, bend the quarters and fold the dollar bills. Wake everyone up and show them the sunrise.
Shake your fist at the government not god.
Rue the day the government forgot about the people.
Remind companies they are made of people not machines or commodities that can be brokered and marginalized like everything else.
But the most important thing of all is to get out of my house because I have no place for you at my table any more.
Like A Monkey With A HandgunBy Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..
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