Inaugural Address

I wrote this last month in case I was asked to be Obama’s speech writer. Alas I did not get the gig so this is all mine

Inaugural Address
By Rev. John Sleestaxx

Today we embark on a new era and new opportunity to make decisions based on our value system and not the one perpetrated by the foreign heathens or the corporate pirates.
Today we start an era that will begin our great divorce from credit demons and the slave traders of the banks. Today we make ourselves known as the new America, a sharper America, and an America that will be forever known as the America that woke up.
We need to retool our economy, we need to get off the horse (heroin) that is credit, we need to kick the crack habit that is materialism, and we need to say no to the pusher that is Wal-mart and the peddlers of the shit that is killing our economy. We need to get out and work and dig in the soil and build new clean plants that rival china’s, plants that can build our own consumables that that the world needs. We need to make the rest of the world realize that they need us too. That without us buying and consuming they would not be in the prosperous position they are in now. Most of those mother fuckers would be in the dark, fucking their relatives and in marriage to farm animals. The world needs to see us for the power that we are. Sure, they all say ‘oh those guys they are too stupid and they are bullies they are an old dog with no teeth.’ But they all want to live here; they all want to live the American dream. Lets us lift our dream to the world again and make it ours again. Let us create a country that is awesome again.
We will reshape our culture to embrace change and diversity, but at the same time swallow diversity. We will not get lost, like we have been, in the sea of political correctness. Because that is our failure of the past. We have tried to embrace, but got lost and we let the change swallow us, we lost our identity and ourselves, we lost our opportunity to strike out and be original. We became watered down version of someone else. We need to reclaim ourselves, reshape our culture so that we again stand head and shoulders above the rest of the heathens and pagans and worshipers of Satan. We need to be the one that is looked up to, we will be the ones that everyone listens too again, this is our time and we will make it happen. This change is going to work and happen and we are going to work to make it happen.
We need to redefine our position in the global community. In the past we were the ones that brought the conveniences and the innovations to the planet. We were the ones that defined what was new and cool. We captured the lightning and brought light to the darkness that was an age, we harnessed fire and heat to drive progress across the entire globe, and we tamed the wind to carry our dreams around the world and to the rest of the planet. We thought that the current system of communication was to slow we made new faster ways to carry our thoughts and words to the rest of the heathens. And when the rest of the world thought that all that had been invented and thought of and nothing else could be made or thought of, we took our shit to the stars man. We fucking left this world and fucking stood across the greatest divide and looked down on the earth and said “this planet isn’t so fucking big.”
And then we developed a machine that can predict the weather and we saved lives. We developed the internet and porn was unleashed to even the poorest pervert in the farthest corner of this globe.
We have always been the ones to make change. We have always been the ones to developed better conveniences. We, the ones that were cast out of Europe and sent to this lousy spit piece of land and look what we have done for this world and now we have gotten lost, we have wallowed and fucking screwed our fellow American at every turn to the point that the global community have forgotten that we are the “shit”! We need to get up and out and remind them that we are the “shit” again. We will be the ones that develop the next big thing and we need to be prepared to capitalize on this. Be it stem cells and life saving medicine or new transportation that will cripple the fuel markets and create new ones. But we need to get up off our asses and do this. We need to “kick this mother out!”
We also need to keep ever sharp for those that want to do us harm. Because we are the shit, we have our fair share of haters. There are those that want to do us harm. We may not have been the most proper in the past, but we also have had many attacks on us for the simple reason that we are the shit!
Let me address these haters, these detractors, these heathens and worshipers of Satan and false gods. No matter whether your god has a beard or wears a beanie or a turban or your god really is not a god because he does not exist does not exclude the fact that we are all bipedal animals with opposable thumbs that use tools and are basically social, we are all stuck on this rock for a reason. Stop thinking that you can break our backs, that your god in a turban is better than our god in a robe. We will be victorious because we are the shit! We are the mother fucking shit! And we bring change that will rock your socks and kick your ass.
America is going to wake up today and kick this mother out!

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